A character on Six Feet Under said something, in an episode a few weeks ago, that made me think of you: “If you think life’s a vending machine where you put in virtue and you get out happiness, then you’re probably gonna be disappointed.” Tragically, many Virgos suffer under this kind of delusion. It’s easy to believe that life is a simple equation: you work hard, do good things, help people, and you’ll be happy and fulfilled. The equation’s often true—but not always. The trick is believing in and practicing it, even after some exceptions blow it off the page.
LIBRA (SEPT. 23-OCT. 22)
What happens this week is huge, only you may not notice it. A vastly important decision will be made, but with so little fanfare it’s likely to be eclipsed by something tiny and petty. It won’t even dawn on you that this huge step’s actually been taken until you start experiencing one of its many significant consequences, somewhere down the line. So what? It’s nice that this one’s an easy one, and there’s no point in making a big deal about it, or getting in the way. I just mention it so you can appreciate, admire and relish the moment as it happens, instead of having to do so in retrospect.
SCORPIO (OCT. 23-NOV. 21)
What do you do when you need a haircut but just don’t have time or money to get one? (Well, if you’re a teenage Scorpio, you just say, “Fuck it,” and cut it yourself—which usually results in a glamorously-shaved head.) Nowadays, you wear a hat (or head scarf, or wig, or gallon of product). You have the same attitude towards emotional baggage, I see. It’s no big deal to cover something up as a temporary measure, but some people take it too far, amassing huge hat collections (or their equivalents) to hide their guilty secrets. Go ahead and keep yours under a hat—for now. But if it’s still there in three weeks, you’re in deep doodoo.
SAGITTARIUS (NOV. 22-DEC. 21)
Let’s pretend we’re robots. Some of our parts are hard-wired, and others are simply software. The former: things we just can’t change, no matter how hard we try or how much we want to. Adding new programming can mitigate or modify them, but they’ll never go away. Yes, people can transform—especially you, Sagittarius. But there’s a limit to how much transformation is possible, and how permanent it is. Recognize this and figure out if the problems you’re having with someone you love are software conflicts—which can be resolved, with patience and time—or irreconcilable hardware incompatibility. Once that’s clear, how you proceed should be, also.
CAPRICORN (DEC. 22-JAN. 19)
Capricorns have a way of dissolving into the background when they want to (and occasionally when they don’t). This is one of those times. It doesn’t mean shit’s not happening to you, or that you’re not going through anything; it just means that no one notices unless you specifically call their attention to it—which can often take quite a lot of effort. So if you’re perfectly happy working through (or playing with) whatever’s going on for you by yourself, by all means, keep at it. But if you want companionship on this leg of the journey don’t suffer (or celebrate) in silence—go out and get some.
AQUARIUS (JAN. 20-FEB. 18)
Here it is again, your perpetual dilemma: practical considerations duking it out against impractical dreams. What’s it going to be? Buckets of money, doing something that isn’t especially bad or soul-killing, but also isn’t all that inspiring? Or the leap of faith that may amount to nothing and cost you everything (or possibly be the coolest thing you’ve ever done)? I urge you: at least consider both options. That’s all I’m asking: seriously think about it. It might be exactly the right decision for you to keep on the path you’ve been on and wait for a better time. But I guarantee you’ll be happier walking that path once you’ve rigorously questioned it.
PISCES (FEB. 19-MARCH 20)
So many Pisces have less-than-perfect eyesight for a reason: You have trouble focusing. Sometimes all you can see is the big picture, without any details. And other times you view everything through such a tiny filter that your whole life seems just one way, i.e., you’re as perpetually unlucky and miserable as Lemony Snicket’s Baudelaire orphans, or as chronically upbeat and happy as Big Bird. This is why you occasionally need the perspectives of those around you, to keep things in balance, to help you remember that yes, your life is not all shit, or that you’re not always such a righteous and perfect person. This week, notice who the people are who do this for you—and figure out what you can do for them.
ARIES (MARCH 21-APRIL 19)
There’s no question you’re full-on. You rarely do things halfway; when you discover something new you’re into, you barely do anything else until you’ve exhausted your interest in it. Then you move on to the next thing. A tiny fraction of these exploratory ventures become part of your semi-permanent repertoire; most of them fall by the wayside and are rarely or never picked up again. Unfortunately, you occasionally (though thankfully not as often) do this with people. The problem: people can come back to haunt you. Beware this kind of haunting this week. However if it occurs, don’t flee from it in terror. There’s something you can learn here: making things right by making room in your life for something that’s not the absolute IT thing at the moment can still be quite rewarding.
TAURUS (APRIL 20-MAY 20)
There are some skills and assets you possess that you just can’t easily and tastefully reveal in mixed company (no matter how interested some of the other parties might be). For instance, how do you let someone know they should date you because you’re fantastic at oral sex, without being so crass you put them off? This is why you should also develop a vast array of front-line credentials, things people can be impressed by during casual small-talk. You’re already the shit once people get to know you—this week, work on improving your first impression.
GEMINI (MAY 21-JUNE 20)
Three is your magic number this week. Nothing in pairs is likely to work. If you choose to hang out with just your lover, or one parent, or anyone one-on-one, you’re not likely to have a good time; about the only thing you’ll have is problems, and some of them might persist for an aggravatingly long time. Stick to threes and you’ll have a surprising amount of fun. This might mean consideration of some unusual companions—in fact, your best new friend might be someone you’ve usually considered a third wheel, not a happy third of a menage a trois.
CANCER (JUNE 21-JULY 22)
Cancers like being prepared for things. You may claim to like surprises, but you secretly despise them. When you’re startled, you’re quite likely to clam up and retreat into your shell, and like any shy hermit crab, it takes you quite a while to come out again. In the meantime, even patient visitors usually get bored and take off. That’s why I’m delighted to advise you this week—stay alert but not on edge. You’re likely to be caught off-guard at least three times this week. Happily, not a single one of these shocks will turn out to be anything but good news and good times.
LEO (JULY 23-AUG. 22)
You’re like weather; everyone around you is affected by whatever you’re up to, whether they like it or not. Consequently, you tend to be surrounded by flexible, spontaneous, good-hearted people; those who aren’t up to being battered by your moods keep a good distance, if they can. However, every so often one of these more delicate individuals washes up next to you, and for whatever reason, can’t escape—like this week. Don’t take it personally when they find everything you do abrasive, offensive, or annoying. It’s them, not you. Instead of being hurt, be compassionate—go easy on the poor things, and turn down the brightness, just a little.