Instincts aren’t always what they’re cracked up to be. A startled bird, finding itself indoors, will often instinctively launch itself at a window, battering itself senseless or dead against the glass, which is a substance apparently beyond its comprehension. Although I’m a big fan of trusting your gut, there are times when it’s simply not equipped to understand the real situation. It may consequently guide you towards responses that aren’t actually in your best interests. This is one of those rare occasions when your animal self will just mess you up. Think things through, and then think them through again. Then act.
VIRGO (AUG. 23-SEPT. 22)
Get your fingers in the dirt. Virgos are way too goal-oriented, and while crossing things off of lists and racking up millions of minor accomplishments to feel good about aren’t bad things, they’re just time-fillers, ultimately. The best kind of medicine to keep you happy and healthy is, ironically, something you rarely do: get lost in the moment, doing something that doesn’t really matter to your long- or short-term goals, like gardening. Be warned: losing track of time—a frequent experience of yours—is not the same as getting lost in the moment. Spend some time being active (I would never expect you to actually sit still) but not busy. Notice the distinction, then practice it.
LIBRA (SEPT. 23-OCT. 22)
Bad ideas can be so deliciously compelling; erotic, even. There are at least 73 fantastic reasons why you shouldn’t act on this one, but I’m guessing you will, anyway. Somehow, that pair of feeble (yet somehow undeniable) rationales are going to outweigh all the solid wisdom generated by that increasingly ostracized part of you that you once called your better judgment. Well, sometimes mistakes like these can be enjoyable and, more importantly, can only be learned the hard way. I suspect this one will grant you a little intense fun (and sadly, a lot of really boring suffering). But you’ll be wiser afterwards, and that’s never a bad thing.
SCORPIO (OCT. 23-NOV. 21)
You’re sunk ankle-deep in some kind of gripping muck. It’s not life-threatening, but you can’t move without losing your boots forever, and you haven’t been driven quite to that extreme, yet. Nevertheless, I hope that you don’t choose to stand your ground for too long. You are sinking, despite appearances—it’s just imperceptibly slow. In other words, move, already. Your situation is definitely not getting any better, nor will it. I believe it’s already too late to escape this mess without some kind of sacrifice; most likely your expensive footwear. However, if you leave now, keeping your pants is still a possibility.
SAGITTARIUS (NOV. 22-DEC. 21)
One of your specialties is tearing down walls, and that includes—in your most altruistic moments—helping others shatter boundaries that hold them back. However, this isn’t always as good as it sounds; for some, freedom is frightening, not liberating. They shrink in the face of it, where they might grow and expand when confronted with an obstacle. Good things can come of challenges and adversity, and our efforts to overcome them. When you encounter other people’s walls this week, think twice (at least) before you go ahead and knock them down. It might be easier for you than it is for them. But that, of course, is exactly my point.
CAPRICORN (DEC. 22-JAN. 19)
Ernest Vincent Wright wrote his fourth novel without using the letter e. This kind of restriction, in the end, proved too much for the poor fellow; he expired when it got published. But you must respect his resolve in trying to write something good while working within very difficult limits. You, too, need to get used to the shrunken borders of your world. You’ll find, once you do settle in to this re-envisioned territory, your proficiency is undiminished. It is, in truth, extended, to the point where nigh on no one even notices. (Those who do will only be impressed.)
AQUARIUS (JAN. 20-FEB. 18)
Our parents’ generation always had this thing about keeping up appearances, not airing dirty laundry in public. Times are different now; if they’re important enough, all those metaphorical skidmarks in your underwear get exposed, sooner or later. It’s impossible to keep them hidden forever, as you’ve known all along. So now the only question becomes: who’s going to reveal your messy past mistakes, and in what context? Hint: Most of those who have something to hide or obfuscate (hello, White House) attempt to break breaking stories first, so they have some chance of controlling or steering them.
PISCES (FEB. 19-MARCH 20)
Happy accidents rock; some of your best work has resulted from them. Of course, their very nature precludes generating them. They always occur when you’re actually aiming for something else. In other words, stop trying to reproduce your past greatness, “only different.” You’ll strike gold again, I’ve no doubt, but only once you take a different tack and stop looking so hard for it. You’ve got to dramatically change direction—something that’s no problem for you, of course—but also to stop expecting things to happen the same way twice, because nothing could, at the moment, be less likely to occur.
ARIES (MARCH 21-APRIL 19)
I know Rams who measure their accomplishments not by how much fun or trouble they got into, but by how many people they managed to drag along with them. Almost nothing excites you more than recruiting partners for your shenanigans. However, for your fiery nature to ripen properly, there are certain journeys that need to be undertaken alone. This is one. That means you’ve got to say goodbye to your stalwart traveling companions at the mouth of this particular tunnel. It might even require a bit of tough love to get them to let you go on alone. But there’s no point in even entering if you’re not by yourself—the wisdom within is like a shy forest animal who’d be scared off by more than one pair of boots echoing off the stone. Embrace your friends and go, now, calling, “See you on the other side!”
TAURUS (APRIL 20-MAY 20)
As much as you’d love to go around being a moral superhero this week, exposing hypocrisies wherever you find them, please hesitate laying their shittiness before the vengeful masses. It’s not that these assholes don’t deserve to have to dance naked in front of leering millions—it’s just that this needs to be about more than just their humiliation. You have a chance to do some real good here—as well as deliver the public comeuppances the fuckheads deserve—as long as you don’t rush it. Take your time and set up the game carefully. You’ll soon get your chance to enact everything you’re dreaming of now—and then some.
GEMINI (MAY 21-JUNE 20)
There it is, darling. The broad expanse of the blank white page, the empty stage, the half-hour of prime-time, just waiting for you to fill it with something. This is your worst nightmare; finally having the perfect opportunity to say something but nothing compelling to say—at least nothing that springs to mind. Don’t freak or back out. Instead, just stall. This is simply part one of your little public saga; the sequel comes in two weeks. Set yourself up; by the time the your next bout with the spotlight comes around, you’ll know exactly what you’re doing there.
CANCER (JUNE 21-JULY 22)
Silence is your worst enemy these days. We both know your imagination is harsher to you than reality ever is. Not knowing why someone broke up with you, or why you got fired, or even why someone said something shitty to you—these are terrible tortures inside your head, because your mind is only too willing to come up with scenarios and reasons that are invariably crueler than whatever’s actually the case. Of course, getting those life-saving, kinder (if still brutal) answers out of those who’d prefer to remain quiet is often virtually impossible. Nevertheless, for your mental health and ours, that is this week’s task.