It’s summertime. Your life should be about sunshine and abundance right now, not sickly shades of depressing gray. Nevertheless, I see you getting bogged down in the muck of modern complications and implications, because a few of your recent attempts at good deeds generated some shitty negative fallout, through no fault of your own. I don’t blame you for feeling disheartened, but buck up, boy scout. It’s true there’s a dark side to every act, if you look for it (you could see helping someone as robbing them of the chance to help themselves, for example). But this week, there are at least a couple of old ladies who need (and would welcome) your aid in crossing a few busy streets.
VIRGO (AUG. 23-SEPT. 22)
A skilled quilter uses whatever he’s got on hand, and figures out ways to incorporate every interesting shred of material into his final product. Eventually, he patches together something workable—and usually beautiful—out of a pile of seemingly useless scraps. You can work the same magic, socially, if you’re determined enough and willing. Pick up the tatters of a few threadbare and badly frayed relationships and start mending. It may involve swallowing your pride (especially if you had a hand in ripping the seams, originally), and some odd and inspired match-making, but I’m betting that the end result will be something stronger and prettier than anything that came before.
LIBRA (SEPT. 23-OCT. 22)
You’ve made your offer. There it sits, on the table, like a massive slab of incredibly rich triple-fudge cake. Now all that’s required is patience, while your prey sniffs the bait. Wait! What the hell are you doing? Why the hell would you even consider sprinkling sugar on top of this already very sweet gesture? Are you crazy, or truly too insecure to see clearly the delicious value and generosity of what you’ve already put on the plate? Please keep yourself from sweetening the deal. It’ll make whoever you’re trying to romance not only suspicious, but downright nauseous.
SCORPIO (OCT. 23-NOV. 21)
You’re in your element at the moment. Perversely, that means you blend in so well that it may take a concerted effort to stand out and get noticed. It’s like you’re standing in a lightless room, garbed in black. Although this might be a little scary at first, resist going back to more well-lit scenes where it’s easy to reap dramatic-seeming victories. You’ve been there and done that for far too long. You’ve outgrown the minor leagues; there’s no challenge left there. Welcome to the big time—or at least its foyer. You’re where you belong. The challenge, my dear, is proving it.
SAGITTARIUS (NOV. 22-DEC. 21)
It’s a good week to tie someone up and have your kinky way with them, or allow yourself to be bound and toyed with. There’s something highly erotic about this kind of power sacrifice. Sagittarians attach so much import and desire to the concept of freedom that temporarily taking someone else’s, or giving up your own, carries quite a charge. That kind of electricity could jumpstart a whole new chapter for you. Try it; you’ll see what new horizons become visible once that lightning has struck. I find it deliciously ironic that it may take a pair of handcuffs to reveal that your old idea of freedom is just a faint mocking echo of your new one.
CAPRICORN (DEC. 22-JAN. 19)
Don’t hold your breath waiting for that pat on the back and you just might get it. Hide (or at least don’t flaunt) whatever doubts you’ve had about any big decisions you’ve made recently. Your dreams are more likely to attract support (and success) when backed by your vigorous and confident approval than when eroded by your qualms. The powers that be are watching you, and as soon as they believe that you’re going to succeed, they’ll make sure that you do so, by offering their validation and support. In other words, as soon as you don’t look like you need their help, you’ll have it, and then some.
AQUARIUS (JAN. 20-FEB. 18)
The other night I dreamt someone chopped off your hand, right in front of me. Instead of the fountains of red blood I expected, your wrist oozed thick globs of butter, as you watched in bemusement. This was not some nocturnal fable about your cholesterol levels, however. It’s more reflective of the sluggish nature of your internal affairs at the moment—how slow you’ve been to embrace and encourage change from the heart out. I understand your reluctance, but things need to move and flow before you calcify and keel over before your time. Luckily, it’s summertime, and heating things up is easier than usual. Let’s melt that fatty mess out of your veins and get them ready for some red, passion-rich blood—and the chaos and change that comes with it.
PISCES (FEB. 19-MARCH 20)
Pisceans are creatures of faith. Some other signs need to try to make everything make sense, to relentlessly apply logic to the world until it all seems to line up and cooperate. You’re wise enough to know this is all more or less impossible. You accept contradiction, variation and incomprehensibility so sagely that on those rare occasions things do fit together with the neatness and perfection of a mathematical equation, you often fail to recognize them—without some help. Well, here’s the hint: This is quite possibly one of those times. Look for the simple, logical answer. It’s there.
ARIES (MARCH 21-APRIL 19)
Here’s 23 billion bucks. You’ve got one week to spend it, but at the end of the seven days, you can’t keep a single cent, and the stuff you bought will vanish as if the money had never existed. What will you do? Concentrate on creating memories, of course; they’re all you’d retain from this magical week of fabulous wealth. My advice: live that way anyway, incomprehensible affluence or no. In the end, the experiences you have are all that matter. Don’t worry about stuff. The stuff will sort itself out. When you have a choice between doing something and having something, choose experience over acquisition every time. You’ll never regret it.
TAURUS (APRIL 20-MAY 20)
Love is all well and good but can you eat it? Does it put a roof over your head and make sure your telephone doesn’t get cut off? These are incredibly unromantic thoughts, to be sure, but every Taurus has entertained them at least once or twice, and many have made their romantic decisions with at least one eye on financial and practical concerns. However, enough is enough. Sometimes you need to do shit that’s just foolish, because someone you love demands it, or because you demand it of yourself. Screw the rent and the bills. Go be in love, right now—with your family, with a lover, with life.
GEMINI (MAY 21-JUNE 20)
How long can you hold your breath? Because at the bottom of this pool is an incredible treasure. However, simply getting to it and bringing even a part of it back to shore will require tremendous determination. As you plunge into the depths, the pressure to turn back and breathe will become more and more intense. Give it your all right off the bat, Gemini. Remember this, if it gives you courage; chances are if you don’t make it on your first try, you’ll never make it—at least not before someone else gets there first. Fill those lungs, right now, and dive.
CANCER (JUNE 21-JULY 22)
I wish I could just plug you into a wall and charge you up every night, like my cellphone. But sadly, your recharge capability isn’t anywhere near that simple at the moment. You’re too complex to get everything you need in one convenient place. And because getting what you need involves more than two (and probably more than five) people, someone important might end up jealous, or otherwise upset. It’s easy to conceive of the concept that no one can be everything to anyone else, but sometimes it’s hard to accept. I know you’re busy getting the juice you need, but if you have a little time to let that special one know s/he’s still special, please do.