This week’s theme: Cancer control issues. Unfortunately for your clutching instinct, the big juicy fish you’re embracing at the moment needs to be held loosely. Squeeze it too tightly and it’ll just freak out and wriggle free, back into the vast ocean, where you’ll never find, let alone recapture it again. The only way to keep this baby close is to barely hold it at all. Don’t give it anything to struggle against, or you’ll quickly discover just how slippery those shiny scales are. It’s a tough choice: Will you keep this love close, on his or her terms, forsaking all your own? Or will you decide it’s your way or no way, and force this one to escape forever?
LEO (JULY 23-AUG. 22)
Fine motor control is tricky for an ogre. And since this week the part of the violent, ham-handed giant is being played by you, be especially careful. What you intend as a gentle and friendly critique could easily turn into a full-on evisceration. A pat on the back is likely to crush those you want to congratulate. Turn down your intensity meter 90%. Tiptoe and whisper, or better yet, hold still, and allow everyone to approach on their own terms and in their own time, like timid forest creatures. They’re all fragile butterflies at the moment, compared to you. You could accidentally destroy them with a breath, a touch or a word. You can’t help being an ogre, perhaps—but you can at least be a patient, peace-loving one.
VIRGO (AUG. 23-SEPT. 22)
Virgos are generally kind, but your tongues have razor edges when you choose to wield them as weapons (which is, thankfully, rarely). However, the temptation to verbally flay those you despise, oppose or merely look down upon (however secretly) will be virtually irresistible this week. You’ll be nearly as surprised as everyone else when the vitriol simply begins spewing from your mouth. Chances are, you won’t be able to stop this thing. Time for damage control. Steer this baby. Go ahead and give those guys the tongue-lashing they’ve evidently got coming to them. Just try not to say anything that’s going to completely burn bridges. Don’t exceed a light char and you’ll be doing just fine.
LIBRA (SEPT. 23-OCT. 22)
Better watch your soul, it’ll leave you like a hundred bucks. So sings songwriter M. Ward, and I’d heed him if I were you. You’re likely to be presented with a myriad of temptations this week, all of which endanger your integrity; something much more important than you think, which you’d discover to your dismay once it became compromised. I’d rather you didn’t experience that dark and virtually irreversible revelation. Keep a tight rein on your activities and the things you agree to. Sleep on any big decisions, and if anyone pushes you to act faster than that, simply say no—regardless of what’s on offer.
SCORPIO (OCT. 23-NOV. 21)
Illusions abound this week. For example, we already know our country isn’t nearly as free as it pretends to be (with a higher percentage of its population in jail than virtually any other nation); kids are never as innocent or worldly as they present themselves; same goes for adults. There are layers and layers of glamour all around you; and each one has its own origin and intention. Your job this week (and every week, really) is to unravel these. See through them. Being a master of disguise and deception yourself, you’re more equipped than anyone else I know to pierce these veils and expose what’s behind them.
SAGITTARIUS (NOV. 22-DEC. 21)
The other night at a club three total strangers approached me to tell me I was a good dancer. They weren’t even hitting on me; as far as I could tell, they had no ulterior agenda besides exchanging a friendly word. This is the kind of thing you can expect (and accept) this week: sweet gestures from friends but also (especially) strangers, for no reason you can (or should bother to) discern. Maybe they’re just trying to improve their own karma, or earn a metaphysical boy scout badge by doing good deeds. My advice is simple, and easy to follow: when someone is nice to you this week, simply accept it. Sometimes face value is exactly what it’s worth.
CAPRICORN (DEC. 22-JAN. 19)
You’ve heard of blue moons, right? You probably know this as the phenomenon of two full moons in a single calendar month. There’s a second kind: when the moon is full in the same sign twice in a row. It’s fairly rare (the next time is in 2008) and pretty intense and important. It’s not just a second chance to fix or finish whatever you didn’t get done last month, it’s an opportunity to up your game, and the stakes. In other words, you’re this blue moon’s star, and it’s last call at the bar, baby. Whatever big thing you screwed up last month, or somehow didn’t get to—do it now.
AQUARIUS (JAN. 20-FEB. 18)
The suspense (or lack thereof) is killing you. If your life were a novel, these chapters might bore the hell out of you, pertaining as they do to some sub-plot you have no interest in. However, even if you have the opportunity to skip ahead and read the end of the book this week, I beg you not to. You’d not only be missing out on a lot of good stuff (as well as more of this boring crap, I admit) in between, but you’d cheat yourself as well. Let me explain: The ending changes (or at least takes on a whole new meaning) when you have no idea what came before.
PISCES (FEB. 19-MARCH 20)
I’m particularly fond of genre-crossing media. Horror-comedy, western-sci-fi, fantasy-space opera, and so on. This kind of creative boundary-crossing and territory-mixing really gets me off, and works for a lot of other people, too. In other words, you’re in luck, because you’re the ultimate genre-mixer. You can’t help it; you’re in trouble whenever anyone asks you to be just one thing. Thankfully, more people are realizing that being just one thing is as dull as dishwater. All that care you’ve been taking to keep the chocolate out of the peanut butter? Fuck it. It’s exactly that delicious combination we’re interested in.
ARIES (MARCH 21-APRIL 19)
Love and sex don’t always line up for you. It’s special and rare when they mesh well into some kind of cohesive whole. That’s why I want you to treasure this week, because your heart and your genitals are on the same page for once. If you have someone to celebrate this with, well hallelujah. If you don’t, you at least have the chance to actually figure out what kind of person is going to take care of both these parts of you—which will also give you the chance of finally finding him or her.
TAURUS (APRIL 20-MAY 20)
You don’t usually cope well with disappointment, although you may hide your dismay expertly. It’s gotten so you get anxious whenever anyone promises to do anything for you, because you’re worried they’ll let you down. Luckily, this week, you can let your concerns go. Yes, you’re surrounded by flakes (almost everyone’s flaky compared to you). But every once in a while they actually get their shit together and come through. Relax. This is one of those golden times when people will actually do what they say they’re going to do, and well. Leave them to it.
GEMINI (MAY 21-JUNE 20)
When your dog comes in from outside reeking of whatever dead thing he was just rolling in, you don’t cast him out of your life forever. You might get annoyed or angry. But you give him a bath, then you forgive him and move on. He’s just being a dog, after all. Why, when an important human you know makes a similar “mistake,” do you consider leaving her by the wayside? Should she have known better? Absolutely. Will it happen again? Probably. Can you live with this? Actually, yes—provided you’re willing to let go of or alter some preconceptions you’ve held onto from day one. Which is it going to be? Do you want to lose some silly ideas, or a pretty great person (who’s just not perfect)?