To Mr. Hairy Bubblegum: I just wanted to say THANK YOU for lettin’ me see your hairy bubblegum. I didn’t even have to ask! I bet you got real excited as you saw me riding my bike home around 9 p.m. on the Puamana side of Front Street. You just happened to be lingering under the streetlight wearing only your baseball cap and Nike shoes. But your dick was so small it wasn’t much of a thrill for me. Next time get a flashlight and a magnifying glass for your little flashing expedition. You’re lucky I didn’t have a can of pepper spray or I would have laced your small, deflated dick. Then again, you probably would have liked it. But I did have my cell phone so I promptly called Maui’s finest. They asked me for a description, so I said you were the guy with the tiny dick wandering around naked on Front Street. I honestly doubt they were fast enough to catch a perverted cockroach like you but I promise I’ll be more prepared the next time I see you. You may fuck the neighborhood pets and jack off in front of the kids, but the next time I see you I’ll pull a Lorena Bobbitt and you won’t be able to prey on any of us anymore.