This Halloween, I’m going to be a hypocrite. The best part is that I won’t need to spend a dime on a costume. This is good, because between the two kids I’ve already dropped over 100 clams.
My boy is going to be a dog. This was a no-brainer, because I’m pretty sure that he was canine in a past life. He’s not even two and he’s got the fetching thing down. All I have to say is, “Hi puppy” and he’ll drop to his fours and start panting. Cute? Nuh-uh. He’s never had a dog and I have no idea where he may have picked it up. Unless, of course, my daughter taught him how to be a puppy because she’s been nagging for one.
Speaking of Hannah, this year she’s going to be (surprise!) Hannah Montana. For those of you who don’t know all about Hannah Montana, here’s a brief rundown: Tween pop star, daughter of country singer Billy Ray Cyrus (the “Achy Breaky Heart” guy), hit show on Disney Channel, wears hooker-clothes during concerts.
Did I just say hooker-clothes again? Crap, that term always gets me into so much trouble (See “Nothin’ but a Hoochie, Mama,” Aug. 9, 2007).
To be honest, Hannah Montana doesn’t really wear hooker-clothes. It’s more like conservative club wear. She doesn’t show her mid-drift and if she’s wearing a short skirt, she’s also wearing tights. But on the other hand, she wears a big blond highlighted wig and industrial quantities of makeup.
I was actually surprised when my daughter asked to dress as Hannah Montana. She’s kind of tomboyish and I was expecting her to be a superhero or a pirate”¦ again. Without thinking about it, I said okay. I mean, it’s not like she asked to be the devil or something.
But when I was at Ross flipping through the racks of little girl clothes to find “club wear,” I thought to myself, “I sure hope no one recognizes me here being a total hypocrite about what is and isn’t appropriate for kids to wear.”
We found a beige shrug with sequins on it and a pair of jeans with graffiti looking graphics and rhinestones, but I drew the line at the Apple Bottom’s kid line. Yes, they actually said “Apple Bottom,” to which I replied, “Jesus Christ!”
I bought an official Hannah Montana wig on eBay ($30) and now all we need is a shirt to go under her, um, five pounds of makeup, large hoop earrings and heeled boots. Then she’ll be set.
Really though, I just want her to have a great time on Halloween. I don’t care if I have to drop a bunch of money, fend off funny looks from people, or be deemed a hypocrite. She’s happy as hell with her costume, and come to think of it, it’s the one day out of the year where she can dress up and look like all the other little girls.
But I’m wondering if people are even going to know who she is when we go Trick or Treating. I wince every time I imagine a person asking, “Well what are you supposed to be, dear?” to which my daughter replies, “Hannah Montana” while batting two -inch false eyelashes.
Hannah Montana sounds like a porn name, you know.
Starr Begley welcomes Billy Ray Cyrus to leave his boots under her bed, anytime. MTW