Cancer (June 21-July 22) Although I’ve occasionally been known to badmouth Cancers (usually after an especially hard (and often unintentional) pinch), if only by repeating—and therefore reinforcing—less-than-flattering stereotypes, I don’t want you to think that I don’t adore you. I usually only mention your supposed shortcomings to point out their source—the hardships you … [Read more...] about Your Horoscope
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Your Horoscope
Cancer (June 21-July 22) Sexually, you consider yourself pretty adventurous, open-minded, and versatile. But the hermaphroditic sea hare has you beat. Since individuals possess both male and female genitalia, they can screw in long daisy chains, with each sea hare playing both roles. You’re simply not physically equipped to duplicate their acrobatic underwater orgies, but it … [Read more...] about Your Horoscope
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Gemini (May 21-June 20) Although you might suddenly develop the mutant ability to walk through walls, vault barriers, or freeze time, I wouldn’t count on it. Let’s face it, the easy ways out you’re praying for are simply unlikely to happen, not without an unprecedented barrage of cosmic rays or supernatural spider bites. Although the other solutions are vastly more complicated, … [Read more...] about Your Horoscope
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Taurus (April 20-May 20) This week, you’re sort of a commando of love, forcing people together at gunpoint. Wielding your AK-47 like some kind of kamikaze cupid, you’ve been wreaking romantic havoc with fearsome glee. Just be careful; being the love child of Rambo and Aphrodite comes with responsibilities, not just ardor-tipped bullets. Although you’re to continue spreading … [Read more...] about Your Horoscope
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Taurus (April 20-May 20) Your mantra this week is: It all balances out. Although this may seem like a Libran sentiment, it more correctly applies to you Bulls right now. The whole clichéd business of new doors opening when old doors slam shut is especially true in your case. Your life’s equilibrium is unshakeable right now (unfortunately forbidding dramatic advances as well as … [Read more...] about Your Horoscope