Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) Sure, you could bake a traditional apple pie, but these particular guests would probably be more excited if, when they cut into that innocuous crust, they discovered bacon and pecans, or avocado and kiwi – something surprising and just as delicious, if not more so. Thinking outside the box isn’t your […]
Sign Language: It isn’t magic, Scorpio
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) What makes you happy? I’m worried that you’ve forgotten three-quarters of a once quite-extensive list. That’s made the remaining items unreasonably important, and it can consequently be devastating when one of them goes missing. Spend some time this week dredging up the rest of your Things That Make Me Happy List […]
Sign Language: Time for new glasses, Scorpio
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) Some kinds of bamboo grow so quickly you can almost see it happen. Daily growth is measured in feet, not inches or millimeters. On the other hand, some forms of life scarcely change at all over many years. Your own transformations seem to swing wildly between extremes like these. For years, […]
Sign Language: Keep it short and sweet, Cancer
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) It’s amazing how some people’s stories change when they’re backed into a corner. Why would you trust someone so slippery when they’ve already proven that they’ll reveal some portion of an inconvenient, embarrassing, or shameful truth only when they feel they have no other choice? While it’s important to generally give […]
Sign Language: Rock that ‘fro, Gemini
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) Lately, you’ve been craving imperfection. You’ve enjoyed your toast a little burnt, your clothing slightly frayed, and your apartment three degrees away from an ideal temperature. It’s not that you’ve finally accepted that the world isn’t perfect, or that you’ve become that much more appreciative of those imperfections (though you have). […]
Sign Language: Be a wild card, Libra
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) Kittens, teenagers, and lovers simply don’t respond well to uninvited discipline, no matter how much they need it. Sucks for you, when you’ve got livid red scratch marks all over your ankles and ego from their rambunctiously playful antics. It’s tragic that they don’t even stop once they’ve drawn blood – […]
Sign Language: Just because it isn’t a sentient robot doesn’t mean it isn’t worth your time, Pisces
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) You dream you meet your soulmate, who turns out to be a duck. As they cock their head to allow first one beady eye, then the other, to gaze longingly into your dewy pair, you listen to their tales of the Fowl Revolution. The moment you fervently swear allegiance to their […]
Sign Language: Don’t be a sore winner, Libra
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) Change is always alarming, and I’m sure it’d be a little freaky to wake up and find your house being lifted off its foundations and loaded onto a truck by construction workers and machines. However, before you freak out or try to put a stop to the whole project, consider the […]
Sign Language: Time for a purge, Virgo
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) It’s not healthy for Leos to practice any serious self-deprivation; it runs contrary to your nature. You know that life is short and that treating yourself is essential to self-care and your daily well-being. However, it’s perfectly okay – and in fact, a good exercise to strengthen your willpower, resolve, and […]
Sign Language: Come out of the shadows, Pisces
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) Ask a Taurus to kick it into high gear and you’ll notice a slight increase in speed. Leos, however, have the ability, shared by all three fire signs, to really turn up the volume and get shit done. You may not be able to achieve the supernova hotness of an Aries […]
Sign Language: Own your weirdness, Sagittarius!
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) Worse than cheating in general is trying to cheat, still losing, and then getting caught (and subsequently humiliated). That, my friend, is the lame scenario you’re eligible for this week, should you stray from the rules you agreed to. Is that really how you want to spend your birthday season? It’s […]
Sign Language: Do your detective work, Pisces
Cancer (June 21-July 22) If you were creating a road from scratch to connect points A and B, you could of course just draw a straight line between the two, and simply blast the shit out of anything in your way. The result would be a very efficient highway, but at what cost? The other […]
Sign Language: Life isn’t a smutty romance novel, Capricorn
Cancer (June 21-July 22) People are moody. You, of all people, should understand that and cut everyone some slack this week. Whether it’s righteous fury at the state of the world, because someone else was petty to them and they’re just paying it forward, try to let it slide. Don’t allow it to transform you […]
Sign Language: You’re not a tree, Scorpio. Act like it.
Cancer (June 21-July 22) Being a good person – even a saintly one – doesn’t exempt you from unjust bullshit. Things happen to you regardless of whether you deserve them, or any notion of fairness. Someone who’s less obsessed with their own virtue might react to those events with a shrug, thinking, “It’s about time,” […]
Sign Language: You can’t just stop milking the cow, Taurus!
Cancer (June 21-July 22) Never underestimate anyone’s capacity to self-delude. Many people expertly rewrite reality in their own minds to suit whatever outlandish notions appeal to them. Give them the slightest bit of wiggle room and they’ll stretch it into a mansion of glorious self-deception. In this case, it’s probably better to not let them […]
Sign Language: How about just not snorting anything, Sagittarius?
Gemini (May 21-June 20) There are two main methods of losing weight: eating less and exercising more. Common sense dictates that the most viable and sustainable strategy is a combination of the two – moderate physical activity coupled with a modest reduction of food intake. And yet you are so attached to extreme solutions that […]
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