WEDNESDAY, Oct. 11
Hey, Don Ho’s back! Fresh from the “heart-related concerns” and “heart-related issues”—as today’s Honolulu Advertiser
so delicately put it—that caused him to fly to Thailand last November
for an emergency stem cell procedure that isn’t really kosher in this
country—Ho will once again sing “Tiny Bubbles” to the tourists at the Ohana Waikiki Beachcomber, just like the old days of 1962 when he started out at Duke’s.
You kids have no idea how big a deal this is—for countless rubes and
shut-ins around the world, 76-year-old Don Ho is Hawai`i. So much so,
in fact, that he’s played himself on countless TV shows, including Life
Goes On, Fantasy Island, Charlie’s Angels, Sanford & Son, I Dream
of Jeannie, Batman, The Andy Williams Show, The Fall Guy and, of course, The Brady Bunch. Ahh, the Hawai`i episode of The Brady Bunch—did television get any better than that? They had Vincent Price playing some nut who lived in a cave in that episode. Just like real life.
THURSDAY, Oct. 12
Ahh, Hawai`i politics. It’s a beautiful thing, really. Fun, too—take yesterday’s announcement by Democratic U.S. Senator Daniel Inouye that he’s endorsing Republican Charmaine Tavares for Maui Mayor. “I think she’s first class,” Inouye said of the top mayoral vote getter in the September Primary Election at a Maui Democratic Century Club luncheon yesterday, according to today’s Maui News.
Now some people might be mystified as to why one of the most senior
Democrats in the entire nation would help a Republican get elected as
Mayor of Maui, but it actually makes perfect sense. See, Tavares is
running against incumbent Alan Arakawa,
who is also a Republican. Now Inouye is sharp, you see, but he’s also a
Democrat. And he wants Democrats to win elections—and the Democrat he
clearly wants to be the next Mayor is Alan Arakawa, who is a
Republican. Confused? Don’t be: Inouye is clearly a student of former
President Harry Truman, a
Democrat’s Democrat, except where nuclear weapons, war and breaking up
strikes were concerned, but the Democratic Party back then was a little
different than it is now. Anyway, it was Truman who said—I believe it
was in 1952—that “If it’s a choice between a genuine Republican, and a
Republican in Democratic clothing, the people will choose the genuine
article, every time; that is, they will take a Republican before they
will a phony Democrat, and I don’t want any phony Democratic candidates
in this campaign.” Get it? By endorsing Tavares, Inouye has made her
look like a “Republican in Democratic clothing”—or possibly a Democrat
in Republican clothing—which is basically someone who won’t fly with
the voters, leaving the election to Arakawa. Wait, I just thought of
the possibility that Inouye endorsed Tavares knowing full well that
people like me would expose the ploy, which would then throw popular
sympathy—and the election—to Tavares. The crafty devil! Inouye endorsed
a candidate he actually wants to win the race! Brilliant!
FRIDAY, Oct. 13
Then again, maybe it’s not so brilliant. Now Arakawa can say that
Tavares is part of the big “Democratic Machine” and can’t be trusted to
SATURDAY, Oct. 14
Man, have you folks checked out Ukumehame
lately? Those guys are working like gangbusters! Seems like only
yesterday the place was just a gentle rolling slope of state-designated
agricultural land, completely
empty and beautiful, and now they’re flattening roads and setting up
home sites. Big home sites: “Today, Ukumehame is once more
available for residents,” says the good people at
www.ukumehamemaui.com. “This time, with a subdivision that pays tribute
to the people who lived and worked on this beautiful land.” Isn’t that
wonderful? They—that would be Pacific Rim Land Co.—will
pay tribute to the Hawaiian farmers of old by putting up giant estates
ranging from three to nearly 14 acres, but all priced between $1.18
million and $1.4 million! Of course, this is all ag land, which means
the rich people who move will have to do more than simply “pay tribute”
to the ancient Hawaiian farmers. “All land parcels are agricultural
zoned and designated for farm use, either ranch lands or agriculture
plantings,” says the website. “The available parcels may not be
subdivided further or condominiumized.” Then again, look at Launiupoko!
Are those people all running big farms? Of course not. Put up a chicken
coop, maybe a stable if you’re into horses, and you’re good to go.
Isn’t Maui wonderful?
SUNDAY, Oct. 15
That was some earthquake we had this morning. Hey, you know what was even funnier than the water bottle-less shelves at Safeway, the NFL-robbing power outage (a friend of mine actually had to scrounge up an old Walkman and listen to the games on ESPN on AM radio) or that hapless KGMB9
(which bills itself as Hawai`i’s “Severe Weather Station”) TV broadcast
that took place in the station parking lot because the studio was out
of power? That would be the endless repeating on Fox News of the phone interview with that one couple that said they ran out of their house naked when the shaking started. That kind of news exclusive is priceless.
MONDAY, Oct. 16
Did I call this one or what: “After reading today’s headline about Sen. Daniel Inouye endorsing Charmaine Tavares (The Maui News, Oct. 12), I am convinced that Mayor Alan Arakawa is the right candidate,” writes Max Gomes of Wailuku in today’s Maui News.
“He is an independent thinker. The bully senator doesn’t like
independent thinkers. Inouye simply wants a yes person he can control
and dictate to on the county level.” Score!
TUESDAY, Oct. 17
Way to puss out, Honolulu Star-Bulletin. Yesterday the paper refused to endorse either Democrat Mazie Hirono or Republican Bob Hogue (who writes a column for Star-Bulletin-owned Midweek) in the U.S. Congress Second District race,
saying that “neither has shown a deep understanding of the neighbor
islands’ problems and of voters who rightly feel their interests fall
second to those of urban Oahu voters.” But then they totally negated
that opinion with their next sentence, insisting that “continued
partisanship won’t fix what’s wrong with a do-nothing Congress.”
Actually, what we need is more partisanship—more liberal Democratic
partisanship to counterbalance the caveman Republican administration
that equates debate with treachery and has been grabbing power wherever
it can. For anyone who wants to see this madness end, the choice in the
Second District race is clear.
Anthony Pignataro knows funny. MTW