WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 6
Question of the day: How did I get on the Ku Klux Klan’s mailing list? And, follow-up question of the day: Do those assholes still even exist? I ask because when I checked my e-mail this morning there was a message waiting for me titled “KKK Press Release.” My initial impulse that this was surely a bit of purulent spam was overwhelmed by my morbid curiosity, and so I clicked. Turns out the thing was legit, if that’s the right word. Sent by Ku Klux Klan National Membership Coordinator (how’s that for a line on your resume?) Rachael Pendergraft, the missive informed me that the Klan (which is now calling itself the Knights Party) has invited Senators McCain and Obama to speak at the group’s annual “leadership conference,” set to take place at the end of August. Says the release: “While the invitation is sincere and an acceptance by the candidates would be welcome, Pastor Robb [referring to KKK National Director Thomas Robb] is confident that both candidates are more interested in pandering to ethnic minorities than addressing the issues of concern to White Christians.” Huh. That’s one possible explanation. Another would be that speaking in front of a bunch of ass backward bigots who are delusional enough to believe the concerns of white Christians aren’t being adequately addressed in this country would be political suicide. I’m not going to reprint the Klan’s URL here, nor am I going to encourage you to visit their site and lend even a shred of credibility to their hateful bullshit. But if anybody out there seriously believes that racism isn’t an issue anymore, maybe it’s worth a quick peek. Just make sure you’ve got a barf bag handy.
THURSDAY, AUGUST 7
Sorry, still getting the taste of that e-mail out of my mouth.
FRIDAY, AUGUST 8
Obama touched down on Oahu earlier today and delivered a quick address (which, based on the transcript, had kind of a paint-by-the-numbers, scribbled-on-the-back-of-an-airplane-napkin feel) to a few thousand supporters before heading off for some R&R with his family. One would assume that, mixed in with the golf and sunbathing, he’ll be mulling VP picks and tweaking his acceptance speech for the upcoming convention in Denver. A quick word of advice, Barack: If anyone asks you for your take on TVRs, don’t answer… In other news: On the opposite end of the commander-in-chief hopeful spectrum, there’s John Edwards. Oh, John. What the fuck were you thinking, man? That you could run for president in 2008 and not have it come out that you cheated on your cancer-battling wife with some chick you picked up in a bar? People crawled up Obama’s ass because of some stuff the guy at his church said. Just imagine if Edwards had won the nomination with this sordid skeleton waiting to leap out of his closet. I’m sure DNC honchos are envisioning that very scenario and the various ways they would have strung Edwards up by his adulterous gonads. Bottom line: I think it’s safe to say Johnny Boy’s political career is dead and buried.
SATURDAY, AUGUST 9
OK, the coverage of Obama’s Oahu stay is officially getting creepy. Here’s an excerpt from an Associated Press story that ran in The Maui News: “Obama hit the beach about 7:10 a.m. with about six to eight security agents. He initially wore running shoes but sat down, took them off, and carried them as he walked and ran near the home that his family is staying at.” OK, first off, about 7:10am? How much more exact do you need to get? “Obama hit the beach at exactly 7:08am and 53.47 seconds, wearing a pair of slightly wrinkled khaki shorts with a small stain near the right knee and a white sweater of undetermined brand with the sleeves rolled up to his elbows. He then proceeded to pick up a rock and toss it into the water in what may or may not have been an attempt to skip said rock. After rubbing a small amount of Coppertone sun block on his nose and forearms, the presumptive Democratic nominee reached down and scratched his left calf, presumably because it itched, though that could not be confirmed at press time.” Look, the guy’s got charisma, and the fact that someone with a good shot at becoming leader of the free world is bothering to visit Hawaii and its four electoral votes so close to the election is big news. But this borderline stalker reporting doesn’t reflect well on anyone.
SUNDAY, AUGUST 10
Question of the day: When President Bush was first told by his handlers that Russia was dropping bombs on Georgia, how long did it take him to realize they meant the country and not the state? And, follow-up question of the day: Before that conversation, did Dubya even realize Georgia was a country?
MONDAY, AUGUST 11
RIP Isaac Hayes, who died yesterday at age 65. For those unfamiliar with his body of work, Hayes lent his silky baritone to, among many other things, the iconic Shaft theme and South Park’s Chef (“Hello, children…”). In the interest of not speaking ill of the dead, I’m going to forget that Hayes got conned by the Scientologists and as a result left the aforementioned Comedy Central cartoon because of an episode that made fun of Tom Cruise (before that became a national pastime). Instead, I’m just going to remember him as the bad mother who won’t cop out when there’s danger all about…
TUESDAY, AUGUST 12
OK, I’ve gotten a couple e-mails about this, so let me say on the record: I haven’t been here long enough to form a strong opinion about chicken fighting. I’ve seen the bumper stickers, I’ve heard the arguments pro and con and I remain on the fence. On the one hand, I get that it looks a lot like animal cruelty, and, as with horse racing, there’s no way the “athletes” can give consent, which is a problem. On the other hand, we cram these creatures into tiny cages, cut their heads off and mash them into McNuggets—is forcing them to peck each other for sport really all that much worse? What I do have an opinion about is the name…it just doesn’t sound tough enough. In other parts of the world where this stuff goes on it’s called cock fighting, which is far more manly and intimidating. I think what the chicken fighters need is a good PR person…hey, I wonder if Rachael Pendergraft is looking for some work on the side. MTW