NEWS THAT SOUNDS LIKE A JOKE
Arielle Bonnici, 26, of Huntington, New York, responsibly arrived at the Northport Police Department and Village Justice Court on Dec. 4 to answer a summons issued in May for possession of marijuana. But before she could even park her car, Bonnici, who was on her phone, attracted the attention of officers by cutting off an unmarked police vehicle and wheeling into the spot reserved for the chief of police. The Long-Islander News reported that when officers approached the car and Bonnici rolled down her window, a cloud of marijuana smoke poured out, and she was promptly arrested for possession again, along with getting a ticket for using her cellphone while driving. She was able to kill two buds, er, birds, with one stone and appear before the court for both charges.
Meanwhile, in Newberry, South Carolina, 31-year-old Franklin Dell Hayes of Midlands appeared on Dec. 6 at his trial for his third charge of possession of methamphetamines. As the first day of the trial came to a close, The State reports, Hayes was ordered into custody, but when Newberry County sheriff’s deputies searched him before locking him up, they found four grams of meth in his pants pocket. Without knowledge of the new meth discovery, the jury sentenced Hayes to nine years in prison.
Popeye’s preferred diet of spinach to pump up his biceps had to be healthier than what a Russian man has been injecting. Kirill Tereshin, 21, from Pyatigorsk in southwestern Russia, concocts a dangerous muscle-enhancing solution of olive oil, lidocaine and benzyl alcohol and injects it into his arm muscles, resulting in “bazooka” arms that doctors say may become paralyzed or even have to be amputated. Tereshin has so far used six liters of the fluid, and his biceps measure 23 inches, but he plans to continue injecting until they reach 27 inches. “I would like to get more than a million subscribers on Instagram and to stop working,” Tereshin told the Daily Mail. He’s considering an offer to become a porn star. “I love to be recognizable.”
WHAT COULD GO WRONG?
It was all fun and games until a drunk, naked man and his (also naked) companion crashed into a tree near La Grande, Washington, on Nov. 22. Washington State Patrol spokeswoman Brooke Bova told The Olympian that the couple were engaging in intercourse when the driver missed a curve and left the highway. The woman was hospitalized with broken bones, but her three-month-old child was unhurt in the backseat. The driver, who has three prior DUI convictions, was charged with felony driving under the influence, vehicular assault and endangering a child.
Male residents of Ringaskiddy in Ireland have at least one compelling reason to set down roots there: According to local lore, the nearby Pfizer plant, where Viagra is produced, emits “love fumes” that give men free erections. “One whiff and you’re stiff,” bartender Debbie O’Grady told The Times of London. But Pfizer disputes the tales, with a spokesperson saying: “Our manufacturing processes have always been highly sophisticated as well as highly regulated.” Still, locals speak of a baby boom after the plant opened in 1998, and men apparently regularly gather near the facility to inhale the fumes.
Dovey the Shar Pei, of Edmond, Oklahoma, might be just a bit jealous of the new baby at his owners’ home. But in a classic passive-aggressive move, he settled on stealing pacifiers. Scott Rogers and his wife noticed that binkies were disappearing, but it wasn’t until Dovey started vomiting and losing weight in early December that they tracked down the lost items. KFOR-TV reports that Dr. Chris Rispoli of Gentle Care Animal Hospital took an X-ray of Dovey’s stomach and saw what he thought were seven to nine pacifiers. But when Rispoli opened up Dovey to remove them, he found 21 binkies. Turns out, Dovey was taking the pacifiers off the kitchen counter. “We’ve had corn cobs and socks and panties and things like that, but never 21 binkies,” noted Rispoli.
‘THE LIZARD PEOPLE ARE REAL’
In Parkland, Washington, state troopers and Pierce County Sheriff’s deputies responded to a call on Nov. 25 about a man who had stopped his SUV in the middle of an intersection and was waving around an AK-47 and screaming about “lizard people.” The 54-year-old Eatonville man obeyed when officers ordered him to lie on the ground, but resisted being handcuffed until officers tased him. He told them he had “snorted methamphetamine to lose weight” and that President Donald Trump had called his home to warn him that the lizard people were coming and his family members were already being held hostage by the “alpha dragon,” according to The News Tribune. “The lizard people are real,” he told police, explaining that he wanted to attract attention so that his “story could be documented for history.”
Claudell Curry, 82, and his wife, Odell Marie, 83, heard a loud crashing noise as they watched TV in their San Bernardino, California, home on the evening of Dec. 10. Imagine their surprise when it was NOT Santa Claus, but instead a block of ice the size of a car engine, which had torn through their roof and landed on their bed. Federal Aviation Administration spokesman Ian Gregor said about a similar incident in November that the ice might have dropped off a passenger airliner, having formed after a leak in the galley. Neither of the Currys was hurt, but “We shiver every time we think we could have been in bed,” Claudell told The San Bernardino Sun.