By the Editors at Andrews McMeel
WALK OF SHAME
A presumably humiliated opossum “ran off” in late October after three Pennsylvania men posted photos on social media of themselves giving it beer and kissing it. The Pennsylvania State Game Commission was unamused by the antics of Michael Robert Tice, 18, of Newport; David Mason Snook, 19, of Reedsville; and Morgan Scot Ehrenzeller, 20, of McAlisterville, and charged them on Nov. 2 with unlawful possession of wildlife and disturbing wildlife. According to TribLive, Tice kissed and held the animal while Snook poured beer on its head and into its mouth. The men couldn’t be reached for comment.
BE KIND TO ANIMALS
Donna Byrne, 53, of Polk County, Florida, was charged with driving under the influence on Nov. 2, but it was her mode of transportation that earned her an animal neglect charge. Byrne was riding her horse, Boduke, down a busy road in Lakeland in the middle of the afternoon. When officers reached Byrne, she was staggering and had red, watery eyes–explained by her breath alcohol level, which was more than twice the legal limit, Polk County Sheriff’s Office spokesman Brian Bruchey told the Orlando Sentinel. Boduke got a ride to the sheriff’s Animal Control livestock facility, but Bruchey said he’d most likely be returned to Byrne, whose rap sheet includes cruelty to animals and drug possession.
HE WAS ALSO HAPPY TO SEE THEM
In Darmstadt, Germany, police detained a 19-year-old man on Nov. 7 after they noticed “a significant bulge in his trousers” and discovered he was carrying a baby python in his pants. The unnamed man was carrying on a loud, drunken argument with another man when police were called, reported The Guardian. Officers took the man and the snake to the police station, where the snake was put in a box, and authorities considered whether the “non-species-appropriate transport” could be a violation of animal protection laws.
A family of three were taken from their home and forced into a car on Nov. 7 in Leduc County, Alberta, Canada, by five naked people. The man, who was placed in the trunk, quickly escaped, and his wife and baby also managed to get away, according to The Canadian Press. A passing truck driver picked up the three victims, but then the naked kidnappers’ car rammed his truck from behind, sending it into a ditch. Royal Canadian Mounted Police caught up with the criminals; of the five, two were minors and were not charged. The adults faced charges of kidnapping and resisting arrest. The RCMP gave no explanation for why the five kidnappers were naked, but posited that drugs or alcohol may have been involved.
Tempers flared in Minot, North Dakota, before 33-year-old Cornelius Marcel Young was charged with terrorizing after attacking his fiancee’s brother at a trailer park on Nov. 3. The Minot Daily News reported that Young yelled at the brother, punched him in the face and knocked him into a wall after he had turned up the thermostat in the trailer, according to a Minot Municipal Court affidavit. When the brother threatened to call police, Young brandished a knife, as his fiancee jumped on his back and bit his ear “to distract him.” Two children were in the trailer during the fight but were uninjured.
OW OW OW!
A Chicago wiener stand was the scene of a crime gone south on Oct. 31 when Terrion Pouncy, 19, accidentally discharged his gun, which he was trying to conceal in his pants, and shot himself in a most sensitive location. The Chicago Tribune reported police were called to the Original Maxwell Street Polish at about 6am, after a hooded man threatened employees with a small-caliber pistol. One of the employees gave him money from the cash register, according to the complaint against Pouncy, after which the robber stole the man’s cellphone and wallet, and ran outside, stuffing the gun in his pants, but it went off twice, striking his “groin” and thigh. Pouncy kept running and eventually called 911 to report that he’d been shot. He was charged with two counts of armed robbery with a firearm, but couldn’t appear for his bond hearing, as he was recovering at a local hospital.
The Stardust Ranch in Rainbow Valley, Arizona, has a lot to offer potential buyers: Just an hour west of Phoenix, the property boasts a 3,500-square-foot home with a pool, 10 acres, barns, a gated entry… and two portals to another dimension: one at the back of the property, and one in the fireplace. Owner John Edmonds and his wife bought the property, now listed at $5 million, 20 years ago to run a horse rescue, but he says he’s killed more than a dozen extraterrestrials on the property (using a samurai sword) and has suffered many injuries in his encounters with them. Edmonds told KPNX TV in October that aliens tried to abduct his wife: “They actually levitated her out of the bed in the master chamber and carried her into the parking lot and tried to draw her up into the craft.” (She won’t enter the room anymore.) Listing agent Kimberly Gero notes: “This isn’t the type of property that you can just place in the MLS and wait for a buyer to come along.”
Poland has one of the lowest birth rates in Europe, so the Polish Health Ministry is using the example of rabbits to encourage its citizens to multiply. The ministry produced a short video with a rabbit “narrator” who explains that members of the Leporidae family enjoy exercise, a healthy diet and little stress. “If you ever want to be a parent, follow the example of rabbits,” the video suggests. The ministry said in a statement to the Associated Press in early November that it was looking for a way to increase public awareness about the low birth rate that “did not offend anyone and was not vulgar.”