By the Editors at Andrews McMeel
Bryant Johnson of Casper, Wyoming, was on a mission on Oct. 2 when police responded to a call about a man warning citizens of an alien invasion coming next year. KTWO Radio in Casper reported that Johnson told police he had traveled back in time from 2048, explaining that the aliens filled his body with alcohol and had him stand on a giant pad that transported him back to 2017–although he was supposed to arrive in 2018. He also asked to speak with the “president of the town.” Instead, Bryant was arrested for public intoxication.
FARM ANIMALS GONE WILD
The owners of a mischievous ass in Vogelsberg, Hesse, Germany, have been ordered to pay for damages after Vitus the donkey apparently mistook an orange McLaren Spider sports car for a carrot. When Markus Zahn left his $411,000 car parked next to a paddock on Sept. 16, 2016, he returned to find that Vitus had nibbled on its paint to the tune of almost $7,000 in damage. “The donkey had insurance, but the insurance didn’t want to pay,” Zahn told the BBC. Vitus’s rap sheet also includes biting a Mercedes.
In Romania, it takes more than foul weather or a damaged field to stop football. On Sept. 24, a match between Bistrita Brosteni and Vanatorul Dorna Candrenilor was abandoned just 58 minutes in after all the teams’ balls ended up in the nearby Bistrita River, according to the Hindustan Times. Bistrita was winning 2-0 when they ran out of balls. Fans suggested they might find the balls at the Bicaz dam nearby.
CREEPS ON PARADE
Samantha the intelligent sex doll suffered a number of indignities at the Ars Electronica Festival in Linz, Austria, in early September. Sergi Santos of Barcelona, Spain, who developed Samantha, said men at the show acted “like barbarians. Two fingers were broken. She was heavily soiled.” Samantha, who talks, is also programmed to react when someone touches her. Santos told Metro News that Samantha would have to undergo repairs and cleaning, but she “can endure a lot. She will pull through.”
DO NOT EAT!
Doctors thought a 47-year-old postman in Preston, Lancashire, England, who complained of a persistent cough might have cancer, as he was a long-term smoker whose X-rays showed a spot on his lung. But when they removed the mass, the BBC reported, they found the “long-lost Playmobil traffic cone” the patient had received as a gift on his seventh birthday. He told doctors he had regularly swallowed the small pieces as a child and believed he had inhaled the tiny cone. Happy ending: After the toy was removed, the man’s cough almost disappeared and his other symptoms improved.
The Russian division of Burger King has asked the country’s Federal Anti-Monopoly Service to ban Stephen King’s horror movie It from showing in Russian theaters because the clown character, Pennywise, looks too much like Ronald McDonald, and therefore the movie is advertising for McDonald’s. However, the Hollywood Reporter noted, the movie opened in Russia on Sept. 7 and had already grossed millions of dollars by late September. A spokeswoman for the FAS, confirming that the complaint had been received, said, “We can’t be concerned with the content of the film,” but the agency would determine whether it contained advertising or product placement.
If you’re already shopping for your 2018 calendar, Metro News recommends you don’t overlook the Carponizer Carp Calendar, which features “12 beautiful carps with attractive women. On high quality paper.” Oh, and the women are naked. Hendrik Pohler, 28, the calendar’s creator, was struck with the idea when he was fishing with a friend “and at the spot next to us were two hot girls fishing,” he told Maxim, which described the models as having “stiff, pained expressions.”
Patrick Joseph Adams Jr., 36, of Great Falls, Montana, pulled the ultimate heist in July when he convinced two male friends and his girlfriend to help him “move out” of a house that wasn’t his. One of the friends was suspicious when he saw a wall in the home dedicated to military service, but didn’t remember that Adams had been in the service, the Great Falls Tribune reported. That friend left before the move was complete, but the rest of the group loaded about $40,000 worth of belongings into a U-Haul, requiring two trips. Later that evening, the true homeowner of the burglarized house called police and reported the theft, and through U-Haul records police were able to track Adams down. He was charged on Sept. 28 with burglary and criminal mischief.
BUREAUCRACY IN ACTION
Juana Escudero, 53, of Alcala de Guadaira, Spain, has been dead since May 13, 2010. Except she’s still very much alive. FOX News reports that a Malaga, Spain, woman died on that date who shared Escudero’s full name and birthdate. As a result, Escudero was pronounced dead by the government, which has given her headaches ever since. For instance, she can’t renew her driver’s license or go to the doctor. Finally, in April 2016, she tracked down the actual dead woman in Malaga, and in September of this year, she petitioned the courts to open the grave to prove that she is not the dead woman. She even offered to do a DNA test. “On the government’s computers I am dead,” Escudero said, “but for the banks I am alive and kicking.”