LAHAINA, Hawai’i, Feb. 2—With Hollywood, Malibu and Newport Beach saturated with healthy, bubbly, beautiful people, one new Maui-based talent agency is offering a totally new and fresh perspective.
“Oooh, everyone’s saying, ‘Look, a Maui chick is the new GUESS? Jeans girl,’” said Patti Punani, who heads the agency Mac Nut Talent. “Well, guess how hard that was to set up? Look, any idiot who spends about five minutes in this industry can find work for a 5’11” blonde surfer chick with green eyes and a 34-inch chest like Tori Praver. What we do at Mac Nut is a little different: we take your bloated, somewhat disgusting fat ass and get him into the Big Show. Now that’s real talent.”
According to Punani, Mac Nut’s latest find is 32-year-old Eric “Tiny” Bolton, who recently moved to Maui from West Texas. She calls him “the biggest of the next big things to come along” yet.
“Mac Nut has a certain look—a little bit obnoxious, a little bit lazy,” said Punani. “Think Chris Farley, if Chris Farley was a whiny right-winger who spent his mornings getting a dose of Angry White Man crap from talk radio.”
Punani’s keen eye and strong stomach have already served Mac Nut well, finding talent for billboard companies as diverse as NASCAR, Chevron Texaco, Shell Lubricants and Redman Chewing Tobacco.
“Mac Nut is always looking for big, ugly jerk-offs to turn into America’s newest, hottest model,” said Punani. “I encourage any young fool out there—or old fool, we don’t discriminate—who wants to switch things up and start modeling to go ahead and give me a call. Who knows, maybe he can be the next Mac Nut superstar.”
Punani added that Mac Nut is starting a theatrical division and is already signing deals for more than one of its models to appear in the new, sure-to-be-a-hit TV series remake of Battlefield Earth, coming this fall. MTW