Maui Time

LC knows what you did last Halloween

So, you know that guy in the corner of the bar last Halloween with the spot-on buzzkill costume who stayed in character all night? Well, it turns out that wasn’t a costume – that was Liquor Control! And they were there to make sure that Front Street Halloween shenanigans followed the rules.

By 11pm, while the kids from Stranger Things still staggered around Front Street seeking adventures and before your liver launched its revolt, The Dirty Monkey in Lahaina got hit with the book: eight counts of accusations from Liquor Control, whose mission is to “to protect the health, safety, and welfare of the general public.”

What kind of fights and dangerous, belligerent drama did they break up, you might ask? Read for yourself:

• Count 1: “THE DIRTY MONKEY… did, through its employee(s), fail to ensure that aisles or walkways were cleared of any congestion or blockage which would prevent any person from moving freely within any aisle or walkway, or entry to or exit for the premises…”

• Count 2: “THE DIRTY MONKEY… did, through its employee(s), allow liquor consumption and/or service within the areas for dancing, music and entertainment…”

• Count 3: “THE DIRTY MONKEY… did, through its employee(s)… [permit] smoking on the licensee’s premises…”

• Count 4: “THE DIRTY MONKEY… did, through its employee(s), serve more than two drinks… at one time to an individual…”

• Count 5: “THE DIRTY MONKEY… did, through its employee(s), permit dancing or entertainment in areas not designated…”

• Count 6: “THE DIRTY MONKEY… did, through its employee(s), permit a person to display a portion of the female breast below the top of the areola…”

• Count 7: “THE DIRTY MONKEY… did, through its employee(s), fail to remove all empty glasses and containers… before serving another drink…”

• Count 8: “THE DIRTY MONKEY… did, through its employee(s), permit a person to display a portion of the female breast below the top of the areola…“

In other words, the LC is keeping us all safe by eyeballing “the female breast” for the areola line, keeping dancing contained, monitoring wait-staff service, shaming smokers, and making sure you take one shot at a time. This kind of sticklerism is unsurprising to those who are familiar with our local Liquor Control, which is drunk and over-served on power.

This is why, last month, a meeting was called as part of an audit authorized by the county council to examine claims and complaints of licensees regarding the unreasonableness of the Department of Liquor Control. As restaurant owner Mike O’Dwyer (Mulligans on the Blue and Fabiani’s) said, according to The Maui News, “The fear and intimidation and harassment of the liquor department is very obvious and very widespread.”

The Dirty Monkey is pleading not guilty to all charges and will appear during the Liquor Control Adjudication Board hearing on Aug. 2, from 9am-12pm at the Liquor Control Wailuku Office. You can read the full agenda at https://www.mauicounty.gov/Archive.aspx?AMID=79.

In any case, I know where I’m headed next Halloween: The Dirty Monkey sounds like a party. Just watch out for that guy furiously writing in his notepad – that might not be a prop.