CRIMPING THEIR DOGGY STYLE
When Dexter Blanch’s dog nearly died from complications during spay surgery, he decided to use the event as inspiration and recently brought to market a chastity belt to give pet owners more control of their animals’ animal instincts. The Pet Anti-Breeding System harness is especially valuable to professional breeders who may want to keep a female out of one or more “heat cycles” without resorting to sterilization. So far, said Blanch, the belts have been proven effective, but he admitted to a San Francisco Chronicle reporter in February that horndog males pose severe tests by gnawing relentlessly at the leather straps.
ALSO DEFINED: STUPIDITY
Merriam Webster’s 10th edition dictionary is so influential that the Menifee Union School District in Southern California removed all copies from its elementary schools’ shelves in January in response to a parent’s complaint that the book contains a definition of “oral sex.”
AND YOU’RE WORRIED ABOUT TEXTING
(1) Briton Rachel Curtis, 23, was sentenced to 12 months in prison by Bristol Crown Court in October for leading police on a high-speed chase while injecting heroin. (2) Authorities in Scottsboro, Alabama, arrested a man in December after a high-speed chase during which he allegedly had methamphetamine cooking in the front seat. (3) Long-haul trucker Thomas Wallace was charged with manslaughter in Buffalo, New York, in January after his rig struck a parked car, killing the occupant, while Wallace was distracted watching pornography on his laptop computer.
Guido Boldini (and his mother Constance Boldini) pleaded guilty last April to soliciting a hit man to take out Guido’s ex-wife, Michelle Hudon, after a contentious child-custody battle in Keene, New Hampshire The “hit man” was an undercover cop, and the son and mother are now serving a combined 12 to 35 years in prison. However, unknown to the Boldinis, Michelle Hudon had been diagnosed with cancer, and in September, she died.
Lenoir County, North Carolina, sheriff’s deputies raided a suspected marijuana farm in January and learned that the grow operation was all underground. The 60 live plants were being cultivated inside an abandoned school bus, which had been completely buried, using several backhoes, accessible by a tunnel and with a garage built on top of it.
CRAPPY VALENTINE’S, INDEED
First, farmer Dick Kleis of Zwingle in eastern Iowa, composing a birthday note to his wife, arranged more than 60 tons of manure in a pasture to spell out “Happy Birthday, Love You” in shorthand. Then, for Valentine’s Day, farmer Bruce Andersland created a half-mile-wide, arrow-pierced heart from plowed manure at his farm near the town of Albert Lea, Minnesota. “Now I’ve got my valentine!” shouted wife Beth, when she first viewed the aerial image.
(1) Two men tied up employees at a recycling company in Chicago in December, intending to take away the ATM on the premises, which is normally used to pay people who bring in scrap metal. However, the two men fled empty-handed after realizing that they were not strong enough to carry the 250-pound machine out to their truck. (2) Lloyd Norris, 57, was arrested in Gwinnett County, Georgia, in February and charged with mortgage fraud, after he tried to buy a house with “cash” consisting of a nonsensical $225,000 “U.S. Treasury” promissory note, supposedly “certified” by Secretary Timothy Geithner. Norris had prepared $1 billion worth of the documents on his computer and apparently assumed that banks would not look too closely at them.