Photo by Scrappers of Keo Eaton, MT‘s album reviewer and Anu’s stunt double.
***
REPURPOSE!
STUFF TO MAKE WITH NEWSPAPER
By Anu Yagi
We know your dilemma: there are only so many gilded frames and so much wall space. So what to do with old copies of MauiTime? We reinforce our office building’s waning structural integrity with thousands of back issues piled to the ceiling, creating great Doric order columns that inspire fear and awe in the hearts of fire inspectors. We also make newspaper hats. Why? Because the forgotten fourth band member in the Reduce, Reuse, Recycle ensemble is (drum roll, please) Repurpose!
See, newsprint is like a cat–even the mangy ones have multiple lives. So this year, we’re showing you how–with a little ingenuity–you can eke extra oomph out of once-proud trees’ pulp remains. Because sure, we sort of owe it to the cosmos’ 15 billion-year tradition which evolved the plants and people that make paper products–but you also never know when you’ll need to whip-up a good papier-mâché doohickey.
The latest research indicates that the number one reuse of MauiTime is for picking-up pet poop. But did you also know that MauiTime is great for lining the cages of small animals like birds, bunnies and lab rats? Yessir, our weekly’s reporting is so in-depth that it actually makes the paper itself more absorptive. Also, our African Grey readers say they can’t get enough of Coconut Wireless…
Twisted firestarters. Fires aren’t just for dumpsters. We’ve heard reports of fire even being useful for things like roasting marshmallows and witches.
There’s nothing like coming home after a long day at work, chugging a cold brewski and turning the empty bottle into a Molotov cocktail. Setting stuff on fire (like parking tickets and effigies of your boss) really helps take the edge off bending over for The Man. It’s also an essential post-breakup practice. You may not be able to burn-off herpes like you can regular warts, but burning perfumed love letters adds a delightfully aromatic touch to any beach bonfire or voodoo curse.
A good fire’s built on a foundation of good kindling–and MauiTime makes good kindling. Back in the day, folks twisted hay (see Laura Ingalls Wilder’s The Long Winter) to add density to kindling so that it burned slower, giving logs enough time to light. The same can be done with newspaper…
Photo via Wikimedia Commons.
Of course, unless you’re an artistic genius, papier-mâché projects are incredibly time consuming and mostly useless. So if you like spending life’s precious moments making something you’ll eventually throw away, it’s the medium of choice (second only to macaroni).
Though papier-mâché is a French term that literally means “chewed paper,” it’s important that you don’t masticate MauiTime. The ink will turn your gums blacker than even periodontal disease can and this is unattractive.
All you really need for papier-mâché is white flour and water. You either can use the mix cold or first boil the solution so that the finish dries clear; but the trade-off is that the cooked version is not as sturdy.
You should also think outside the balloon. Not just for makeshift condoms and sea creature-choking, balloons are handy forms (when inflated, of course) for papier-mâché crafting. The roundish shapes can be used as the foundations for full-face masks, or the bodies of piggy banks and pinatas that you can smash like your hopes and dreams…
Paper bags made out of MauiTime are the perfect size for wrapping mini bottles of liquor so you can drink publicly.
Now making paper bags is also a great craft project for people who suck at finishing things. All you have to do is pretend like you’re gift-wrapping a box, but crap-out halfway through. Then, simply slide the box out of the unfinished end and voila! You’ve got a paper bag! The same technique, when applied to a tin can–and using paper thickened by folding it at least three-ply–is great for making seedling pots that can be planted directly into the ground…
Finally, if you’re a grown-up who doesn’t know how to make a newspaper hat, your childhood was even worse than you thought. Start with therapy, then fold a piece of newspaper in half (MauiTime comes conveniently pre-folded). Then fold the corners of the creased end inward to form a triangle. A long narrow strip will be left at the bottom, which should then be folded-up to create the hat’s brim. Wear and enjoy.
ONLINE EXTRAS
STUFF FROM THE CUTTING ROOM FLOOR
***
POOP, OUR PAPER AND YOU:
Every day we get calls from adoring fans who say, “I wouldn’t wipe my ass with your paper!” Aw, shucks. We’re blushing. However, while we’re thrilled that your respect for MauiTime prevents you from using your shitter-side reading material as in-a-pinch shit tickets, we’d still like to encourage recycling.
TWISTED FIRESTARTERS:
A good fire’s built on a foundation of good kindling–and MauiTime makes good kindling. Back in the day, folks twisted hay (see Laura Ingalls Wilder’s The Long Winter) to add density to kindling so that it burned slower, giving logs enough time to light. The same can be done with newspaper. Here are seven simple steps for making twisted firestarters:
1) First, dig up your old copy The Prodigy’s Fat of the Land (1997). Set track eight on repeat.
2) Tightly twist the midpoint of a rolled sheet of newspaper; but not so firmly that it tears.
3) Sitting on the floor, loop this twist over one of your toes. Pause to reflect on how weird toes look.
4) Twist the two ends of the rolled newspaper together like you’re making rope or a ti leaf lei. (This is harder than it sounds. See step #5.)
5) Do not give up. Your first few attempts will look worse than the “art” on your refrigerator. The good news is that it’s still flammable. The better news is that you’ll get the hang of it. Well, hopefully.
6) Create an event on Facebook and invite all your pyromaniac friends. Fill party bags with take-home firestarters, bras and oil-soaked rags.
FOR OVER-ACHIEVERS (AND THOSE WHO ARE VERY LONELY):
Unless you’re an artistic genius, papier-mâché projects are incredibly time consuming and mostly useless. So if you like spending life’s precious moments on making something you’ll eventually throw away, it’s the medium of choice (second only to macaroni). Since we’ve got nothing better to do either, we’ll waste our existence alongside you by providing some papier-mâché pointers:
1) “Papier-mâché” is a French term that literally means “chewed paper”–but it’s important that you don’t masticate MauiTime. The ink will turn your gums blacker than even periodontal disease can and this is unattractive. You’re already spending your time making stuff out of papier-mâché and wouldn’t want to further hurt your chances of tricking someone into mating with you.
2) Goodbye, gesso and Elmer’s Glue. All you really need for papier-mâché is white flour and water. You either can use the mix cold or first boil the solution so that the finish dries clear; but the trade-off’s that the cooked version’s not as sturdy. Oh, and unless you’re looking to grow a health hazard, avoid mold by allowing each layer of papier-mâché to dry thoroughly before applying a new one.
3) Don’t think outside the box–think outside the balloon. Not just for makeshift condoms and sea creature-choking, balloons are handy forms (when inflated, of course) for papier-mâché crafting. The roundish shapes can be used as the foundations for full-face masks, or the bodies of piggy banks and pinatas that you can smash like your hopes and dreams.
Comments
comments