Local man Earl J. Bledsoe admitted to reporters this week that his pants would fall down if he didn’t wear a belt. According to Bledsoe, the belt has quietly but heroically held up his pants for the last two years, saving him from untold pain and humiliation.
“I don’t know where I’d be without my belt,” said Bledsoe. “Oh my God, without my belt my life would be hellish. I mean, I’m kind of a big guy, and pants can only hold themselves up for so long. Since I was a kid I’ve lived in fear that I’d be on the bus or walking down the street or trying to hook up with some hot chick and my pants would fall down. But with my belt, I don’t have to sweat it.”
Bledsoe said he wears a 45-inch brown crocodile embossed leather belt with a brass buckle. He added that he bought the belt from Sears for $37.50.
“Oh, it’s a quality belt,” Bledsoe told reporters. “It’s tough but still stylish. Plus it was big enough that I didn’t even have to punch any new holes.”
For the most part Bledsoe maintained his composure during the press conference. Things seemed to get tense when one reporter asked about a rumor floating around that Bledsoe had once worn suspenders, but he laughed it off as just a “passing fancy” he flirted with in college. It was only when asked whether he might get as good or even better results by just wearing overalls that Bledsoe became visibly agitated.
“How dare you come here and ask me a question like that?” Bledsoe raged. “What do you take me for, some dumb backwoods hick who drives a tractor around the North 40 every day with a piece of hay sticking out of my mouth? Sir, I’m insulted that you would even insinuate that I should degrade myself in that way.”
His face flush, Bledsoe then took a deep breath, hooked his thumbs into his belt and sighed.
“Look,” he said after pausing, “I just really love this belt. My belt and I have been through a lot together. I’d like to think my belt and I have some good years ahead of us.”
Bledsoe denied he’d ever given a name to his belt, though he did admit that he considered calling his shoes “Mutt” and “Jeff” but dropped the idea as impractical. MTW