Dear Annoying Press Release,
My girlfriend and I have what I consider a very strong and healthy relationship. We go out a lot and enjoy doing the same things. The thing is that we argue a lot. It’s usually about nothing, but we really go at it. Is this a problem?
-Concerned but enjoying myself
Dear Concerned
My name is C.J. Brooks, and I am a Washington, D.C. resident who has patronized your establishment in the past. On September 14, 2004, My Autobiography—I… and When (A Disposable Child), went “Live” on the market. While writing this book, I decided to turn the fact that I survived Child Abuse at the hands of my parents (or whom I thought were my parents) into a life-saving method for Children throughout the United States, enabling detection and prevention of Child Abuse.
Dear Annoying Press Release,
I’ve always hated writing to advice columns, but I really don’t see an alternative here. You see, I’ve been living with this guy for about a year now, and I’m at my wit’s end. In bed he’s selfish, unimaginative and cold as a dead herring. In fact, the only good times are when we start arguing about something, like how he can’t satisfy me. I know I should leave him, but being single again scares me. What can I do?
-Wants a real man
Dear Wants
First and Foremost: THIS LETTER IS NOT FOR THE PURPOSE TO SELL YOU THE BOOK. This letter is a FORMAL request that you show your support for my cause (Child Abuse) by sending me a letter of acknowledgement of yourself as a Supporter of this project, or by making [at] least a purchase of one (1) book online—which would help my cause, and document your establishment as a CONTRIBUTOR to my cause.
Dear Annoying Press Release,
Hi, I live in an apartment above Denver, Colorado, and I just want to say that I can’t stand the couple downstairs. She’s rude and not at all cute, and he’s a lame corporate tool who’s always bragging about his stupid Lexus. They’re always yelling at each other, too—it’s hard to tell, but I think it’s because she wants him to wear Depends when they have sex. I really want to kill them, but I think that’s illegal in my state. How do I get rid of them?
-Fed up
Dear Fed up,
I have been featured in two (2) of Washington, D.C.’s prominent newspapers, (as you will see on the website), and about to be featured in a third. Your letter will serve to allow me to remove the name of your establishment—something that I would really like to do, from my Chronology—since it is only serves [sic] to make me and everyone viewing my website believes [sic] that establishments like yours care NOTHING about the children in the community. (Feel free to view the website.) Being added to the SUPPORTER’S page on my website on the other hand, gives viewers a TOTALLY opposite outlook on you and your establishment.
Translation? It shows that you care about Children—because right now, it’s clear that you do NOT. (At least that’s the message “I” am getting, and you should know that it only takes ONE to get the message across to everyone.) MTW
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