Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Things get tricky when you live in an economy of scarcity. Sharing—of anything; love, food, your bed—becomes nigh unto impossible when you believe there won’t be enough to satisfy your own needs, let alone others’. “Let them take care of themselves,” you think. “I’ve barely got enough for me.” Unfortunately, it’s that kind of attitude that begets true scarcity. Imagine your positions were reversed; you’d dearly wish that you’d benefit from a little generosity, and you would—as long as you take care of those in need now. Keep half of whatever you’ve got for yourself this week. Give the rest away. You’ll be amazed at how far it goes.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
The best thing I can say is at least you won’t be alone for a while. The company you’re keeping may not currently fulfill you in every way, but you’re not lonely. After spending many a lonely hour this past year, that, at least, should be welcome news. Okay, it’s hardly a best-case scenario. But it’s not like you’re trapped; you can easily extricate yourself, whenever you like. Meanwhile, there are plenty of great things going on, and with a little work, maybe there’ll be a few more. Stick it out for a while, without making any insane commitments. See what happens. Maybe your current thing will bloom into prince(ss) charming. If not, you can always run off with him or her when s/he finally shows up.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
If anyone is used to sharing, it’s you. You even have to share your ruling planet, Mercury, with those unruly Geminis. But just because you’re good at it doesn’t mean you should have to do it all the time. Be selfish this week, Virgo. Hoard your goodies, for just a little while. It’s sweet to be openhanded, but you’ve been maxing out on the self-sacrifice. It’s time to be generous to yourself. If you don’t want to end up getting nailed to a cross somewhere, follow my advice: Don’t revert to your old, munificent habits until you’ve had at least seven days in a row during which you’ve spent more time, money, and energy on yourself than on everyone else combined.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
Like those Virgos, you’re good at sharing. Unlike them, you don’t get sick of it quite as easily—in fact, you’re far more likely to be guilty of over-share than any other sign. Hey, that’s no bad thing, even though some of the more judgmental signs might sometimes think so. So what? Screw them. Obviously, you’re not meant to end up with one of those people. Go ahead and tell everyone you meet everything about you, from old band camp stories to what you ate for breakfast. You’ll know who your real friends are: those people who are genuinely interested.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Isaac Newton was the kind of genius who felt that the thrill and importance of discovery outweighed personal safety. He famously conducted experiments that involved staring at the sun until he went blind, or sticking a needle deeply between his eye and eyelid to satisfy his own curiosity. You should identify. Having an experience is usually a higher priority than keeping yourself safe. The choices ahead of you all possess a serious element of danger or risk—8 out of the 11 other signs would quail before exploring any of them. Luckily, your only regret is likely to be that you don’t have time to explore them all. Try anyway; you’ve got to keep up your rep somehow.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
You’re not used to being resented. You’re generally so laidback, easygoing, and friendly that when people—despite your mellow attitude—take offense, it catches you off guard. Unfortunately, people are likely to take most of what you say in exactly the wrong way this week. That’s the shitty news, that you’ll have to deal with a lot of undeserved shade and pissiness. The good news, however, is that all the slights and social punishments you’re subjected to are likely to have unexpected beneficial fallout—more reward than you’d ever have gotten if all had gone according to plan.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Some physicists propound the lonely theory that our universe is expanding; already vast distances becoming more impassable all the time. Others theorize that it’ll at some point contract, ultimately creating another Big Bang and a whole new universe. A third faction believes that the universe has equilibrium and will maintain itself indefinitely. As without, so within; you could go in any of three directions: Continue to expand, allowing your numerous connections to grow fainter and less intimate; Turn inward and be reborn, re-forging intimacies as you go; Or find a balanced path in between. Choose, this week: Hermit, phoenix, or regular Joe? Which path is best is up to you.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Aquarians make great friends. It’s not that you’re especially gifted with sensitivity or thoughtfulness—in fact, you’re often incredibly self-centered (don’t sweat it, most fascinating people are). It’s that when a friend asks you to do something, you always, always do it, whether it’s helping them move, picking them up from the airport, or just listening to them vent. It’s really great—for those who know the secret: asking. That’s the key that’s been missing from the friendship lexicons of some of your newest pals. Please fill them in, by telling them, “If you ever need something, just ask for it, and it’s yours.”
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
The dog is always ready for excitement. His transition from deep, nearly comatose sleep to dancing at the doorknob in anticipation of a walk takes about three seconds. Be the dog. It’s about absolute presence, about being cool with whatever’s going on. If you have a half-hour to sleep, plunge into dreamland instantly. And if something’s going on whenever you’d been planning on sleeping, go with it. Screw your schedule; the universe has got its own plans for you this week. Either accept that and have a blast or resist it and be miserable. But don’t say you weren’t warned.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
All my romantic gestures fell flat last week. Everything I tried either backfired or simply didn’t happen the way I intended. However, I’m undeterred. I have a whole batch of new ones I mean to whip out the first chance I get. Please emulate my attitude in the coming weeks, as only about half of what you attempt will succeed at all. If you can’t wrap your head around an “if-at-first-you-don’t-succeed…” mind-set, you’re screwed. Also, be motivated. If you only try twice, you’ll only fail once—but you’ll only succeed once. If you try 50 times, you’ll have 25 failures—but as many triumphs.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
This is a good week to amicably break up with someone. You know, say, “Let’s be friends,” and really mean it. It’s also a good week to find a friend with benefits, the kind who’ll actually have sex with you for months and never get bored, or overly sentimental. Seize this opportunity. You’re always thinking shit like, “I’ve been meaning to tell him, there just hasn’t been the right moment.” This week has an abundance of right moments, so act on them. If you procrastinate further and consequently create a disaster, you have only yourself to blame.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
You’re word-resistant this week. To get anything through to you would require whole battalions of verbs and adjectives, phalanxes of nouns collapsing in exhausted heaps against your armored shell. Regular conversations might as well be in Inuit, and emails and letters in Sanskrit. In fact, all normal forms of communication to and from your internal command center have been suspended until further notice. Therefore concentrate on forms of communication you’re not used to, like touch, music, food, and kisses. My hope is that not only will you let yourself “say” stuff that you’d never speak aloud, you’ll say it better than you ever could with words.
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