Aries (March 21-April 19)
Don’t phone it in this week, no matter how tempted or lazy you are. Form-letters, even well-crafted ones, can hardly accomplish your aims. I mean, who are you kidding? That kind of thing will just work against you. You probably feel as if you deserve some pampering during the tail end of your birthday season, and you do—but you can’t have it, yet; I recommend postponing it for two more weeks. Right now you have to put in some overtime, especially when it comes to your friends. They need your 110 percent, so give it to them. In return, they’ll pick up the slack when you drop half your workload to chill out next month.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Don’t let the fear take over. You may feel like a squishy, boneless sea creature trying to withstand a violently erosive flash flood, but I urge you, hold your ground despite all that. You have a whole week to grow a spine and some thorny roots to help hold up against external pressure to devolve and regress. Just remember—don’t become too rigid or stiff; not only would that increase your likelihood of snapping and breaking instead of bending, but it will greatly inhibit the speedy forward motion you’ll be capable of in less than a month.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Don’t just observe; participate. Although this week will be rife with Kodak moments, hiding behind a camera will only separate you from their intensity and joy. Be present, and don’t let anything come between you and your experience. Let the vividness and power of your life right now etch itself into your brain. Take pictures instead of all the inevitable mediocre times we all have to slog through; you can romanticize them later. Since this week’s events will be fully engaging, just enter each perfect minute as fully as possible. Do that, and you won’t need pictures or video; your memory will be more than enough.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Crabs are notoriously cautious, in general, but your ballsiest moments can shock even those habitually risk-taking Scorpios, like when you bet your entire fortune on one roll of the dice. Generally, you quit while you’re ahead, but every once in a while, you think it’s worth gambling everything. This is one of those weeks where the stakes are naturally high. Are you up for it? Think carefully; either you’ve got to be willing to put it all on the line, in hopes of winning big, or you’ve got to stay out of the game entirely.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
Who has time for appropriateness? Certainly not you, and especially not this week, when everything will have the feel of playing basketball in your church clothes. Don’t let repressive internal voices force you to go home and change; by the time you return, the game will be over. Instead, go with each moment as it comes this week, and screw convention. I hate to sound too flaky and hippyish, but: go with the flow. Luckily, this week the path of least resistance will also be the one that’s most fun.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Three strikes and you’re out. You’re entitled to two mistakes; however, your ambitions are so lofty that you’ll probably need that leeway. It’s virtually impossible to make a hole-in-one your first time on the green. But you’d better gear yourself up for a steep learning curve; you’ll need to manifest remarkable improvement if you want to hit the target by your third try. I think you can do it, but if you have any doubts at all, don’t bother. You’ll just screw it up, and in the process nix the opportunity for a go at the same goal this summer, when you’ll have more time and practice to make things work.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
Librans are the least likely sign to engage in even semi-destructive pranks, even during your rebellious teen years. It would take a significant amount of peer pressure to convince you to toilet paper somebody’s house, hurl eggs at cars, or leave a flaming bag of shit on someone’s doorstep. You’re just too good at putting yourself in others’ shoes. However, I urge you to squash your overzealous empathy; this time someone really has it coming. We’re not talking about crushing someone’s dreams, just pinching off a little bit of overblown ego. Yes, it’s juvenile, and in the long run, probably unproductive. But it’s so much fun. Don’t take my word for it, though. Go find out.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
You’re supposed to be the zodiac’s most sexed-up sign. So what is this? A dry spell? You say you’re consciously choosing this emotional abstinence, but I suspect the source of your decision lies in fear and remorse. Many Scorpios experience pangs of guilt for their tough-love style. Is that why you’ve backed off from real intimacy—for fear of dishing out more hurt? Come on. You’re wiser than that. You can’t protect the world from yourself forever, only do your best to not intentionally do harm. Even though you can’t chop off your own stinger, you’re so much better now at keeping it out of the way. If your paramours are determined to run themselves through with it in spite of your best efforts, that’s really not your fault.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Discretion is the better part of valor. No one’s questioning your courage or strength. But your ability to pick your battles is sometimes a bit lacking. Throwing yourself wholeheartedly into every conflict that comes your way means you win the vast majority of them. But since a couple clashes you’ll encounter this week are unwinnable, at least for now, your ability to identify them and stay uninvolved is key. That doesn’t mean you need to retreat from the “battlefield” with your tail between your legs. Just lie down in the tall grass and wait. Your chance to strike will come, and when it does, you’ll be ready.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
You might be surprised by how many of your friends and acquaintances rank you in their private lists of Top Five Favorite People. Yes, for some it’s because you’ve made yourself eminently useful, even indispensable. But for others it’s because you inspire and amaze them without even trying. Since your surround yourself with a minimum of flash and posing, your accomplishments seem even more impressive, once people actually notice them. Still, there’s some leeway there. Move yourself up a rung or two on everyone’s list by discreetly calling attention to your latest proud achievement. Remember, I said discreetly; you want people to notice your success, not your showboating.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Aquarians are silly. Even once you’ve earned your PhD, you can still appreciate a good fart joke or play unselfconsciously with your nieces and nephews. Your talent for mixing serious long-term dedication to cherished goals and ideals with giggling, horseplay, and a willingness to laugh at anything, even yourself, is at its peak. In fact, the more you can inject humor and glee into your most meaningful and significant moments, the more likely your beloved ambitions will be realized, sooner and better than you ever imagined. Laugh, you goof. You’re closer than you think.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
Most of your unluck in love is self-administered. You’re just not usually a casual dater. Either you let someone into your intense little world or they’re so far out you can barely see them. So don’t get down if it’s been seven years since you last said, “I love you,” and meant it. That just means one of the following things: You’ve been slightly overcautious and need to loosen up just a little, you’re just waiting for something unquestionably real, or most likely, a little of both. You can’t exactly choose to be lucky in love, but you can decide to stop enforcing your bad luck.
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