Cancer (June 21-July 22)
You often get the front seat to various minor soap operas, and let’s face it; you enjoy it. It can be fun to watch other people freak out, screw each other or screw each other over (or both), fall in and out of love, and generally be sloppy and eminently human. Be careful of this week’s newest drama, though. It’s the kind that can suck you right into it before you’ve even noticed; there’s no fourth wall in this theater. Either sneak out now, during the intermission, and don’t show your face in this neighborhood again until the run of the show is long over, or brace yourself for the kind of performance that teaches you an important lesson or two—the hard way.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
Be the ascending royal who doesn’t show up to her own coronation. Screw the hierarchical bullshit that has given your sign such a bad rep. Leos are naturally more radiant than most folk, but that doesn’t make you better. You and I both know that, but some of your detractors don’t know that you know. In other words, be the picture of modesty if you have to this week, so they can’t help but get it. It’s time to ditch some of that stereotypical Leo stuff, and move onto the next thing. No need to be wildly selfless or self-effacing. But do please move over, share everything, and avoid selfishness at all costs.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Ladies and gentlemen, start your engines. It’s time for a preliminary run around the track, to make sure you know what you’re doing. Still, the pressure’s on; this is the qualifying round for a race that you’ve long been training for. In some ways, this might be the most stress you’ll experience between now and when you cross the finish line. But there’ll be a number of experiences that nearly match this one in intensity, so if this is right on the edge of being too much, you might want to back out before you really get going. Getting out of the car during a pit stop is no sweat; trying to bail at 150 miles per hour could kill you.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
Being torn between what you really want to do and what you ought to do is a familiar feeling. But having these two different urges so embodied by your friends is new. How can you decide now, with one buddy urging you to pursue your selfish wishes, and another encouraging you to do what’s actually right? Don’t let them screw you up too much. It’s a shame they got the bad idea they could give you advice, because now someone’s feelings are going to get a little hurt, but ultimately you’ve still got to make your decision as if they weren’t there, and weren’t invested. Do what you will, and let them be pissed, or disappointed, or glad, or whatever—and then let them get over it, too.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
For now you might as well live as if there are tremendous black storm clouds lurking in the horizon. They may not come this way; the wind isn’t even blowing in the right direction, for the moment. But they could swoop in at any time and dump bucket-loads of rain on your head. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing; it could be cleansing and, in some ways, refreshing. But it could interfere with any plans of yours that depend on fair weather, emotional or otherwise. Don’t count on any picnics, honeymoons, or amiable tanning sessions this week.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
In the early 1800s, nitrous oxide (“laughing gas”) became the drug of choice. There were even theaters where volunteers could climb on stage, take a lungful or two, then entertain the audience with their staggering and silliness. It wasn’t until nearly five decades after its discovery that someone first thought of using the stuff for surgery. Similarly, something you only thought of as recreational (whether it’s a relationship or activity) could suddenly become obviously more than that this week—something real, lucrative (emotionally, or financially), and better than it ever was as a playtime pursuit.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
From inside your head, it seems like people have been constantly letting you down lately. But from out here, it’s more like we’ve been failing to live up to your unguessable expectations. It’s not that we’re falling short of what you’d hope—it’s that we’re aiming in the wrong direction. Of course we’re going to say and do the “wrong” shit, when you haven’t properly clued us in to what would please you better. Take some responsibility for your own frustration, please. It’s only obvious to you what we’re supposed to be doing. Of course, you can continue being disappointed if you prefer, but if I were you, I’d spell it out. We’ll deliver.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
You’re a banana; at least, you think you are. As far as you’re concerned, you’re a self-contained, delicious, helpful, nourishing and cheerful sort, who’s actually good for the people around you. Everyone loves bananas! Don’t they? Unfortunately, this week, when you’re at your yellowest, sweetest, and most tempting, you’re bound to encounter a couple of people who despise bananas. Don’t let it get you down, or dramatically rethink your self-appraisal. It’s largely correct. Don’t obsess about it, either. Ultimately, chalk this up to one of those, “can’t please everybody” lessons, and move on.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
“I dream,” says my Pisces friend wistfully, “of traveling to exotic places. And then I imagine myself lying down.” Enduring long and arduous journeys just to relax and be contemplative seems strange to some of the other signs, who feel compelled to justify their trips with sights-seen, foods-eaten, and photos-taken. But to some of you Pisceans, it just sounds nice. Unfortunately, you all too often take on the shit that other signs force upon you, like this idea about how things are done when on vacation. That’s bullshit; those idiots are just nowhere near as evolved as you. A vacation is a vacation. Do what pleases you, and screw what the rest of us think.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
When polled about which superpower they’d select, if given the choice, each and every Ram chose an ability that would enable her to do and experience more, shunning abilities like telepathy, clairvoyance, or invisibility for ones like flight, super-strength, and teleportation. Luckily you also think those other powers are pretty cool, because your week is filled with an abundance of opportunities to learn, and a dearth of new things to actually do. Just wanted to clue you in, so you don’t waste a ton of time seeking what’s simply not there; this week, look for knowledge, not action.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
It’s always a shock when someone you habitually expect to be on your side suddenly opposes you. Rather than view it as a profound betrayal, however, think about what’s at stake. Considering that you guys are usually on the same page, isn’t it possible that there’s something to his or her side of things? Even if you can’t agree, hopefully you can see that this is a muddy, complicated issue, and respect each other’s opinions without letting it ruin the friendship. The conflict isn’t as clear-cut as the bond between you two—as long as you can see that, you should be back in cahoots by the end of the week.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Most signs either lack discipline or creativity. There are dreamers galore among the astrological pantheon, but few possess the follow-through to bring their brilliant ideas to fruition on their own. Other signs are hard workers, but they squander their incredible discipline on others’ objectives. You Twins have both inspiration and grit—your main problem is getting them both pointed in the same direction and working at the same time. It’s a tricky thing, but if you’re alert and ready to move on it, this week you ought to come up with the goal that both your work ethic and imagination can get behind.
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