Cancer (June 21-July 22)
At first, when parts of your world started running backwards, it was an awkward transition. How to resolve this clock with that one, running in reverse? (Forget arriving on time anywhere.) Lately, however, with enough of your world now turned on its head—at least 51 percent, to be exact—it’s all the shit that’s still running the old way that’s out of place. Your new reality is the dominant one, so stop trying to maintain your old habits. They’ll no longer do you enough good to justify themselves. One of these habits—a repulsive dinosaur of a habit—will fight this, to the death. Screw it. No, better yet—just kill the damn thing. It’s long past time it went extinct.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
Even knowing what you know about the self-fulfilling nature of your self-perceptions, it’s hard to constantly believe in your own fabulousness. Although your ultimate goal should be absolute ego-freedom from others’ opinions, it’s okay to accept an outside boost every now and then to help you get back on track. Luckily, you have any number of admirers who’ve taken special notice of what you’ve done lately, and how well. Let them buy you dinner, but remember: these people are more than just founts of compliments. Anyone who’s willing to selflessly believe in and support your magnificence must be pretty great. While you’re graciously accepting their praise, make sure they know you know they’re hot shit, too.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Your ability to tell the truth is at an all time high. I’m not talking your usual crystal clarity, frankly revealing what you’re all about; I’m referring to your ability to tell the truth—and, by inference, the untruth—of what others are saying. This integrity instinct will come in the form of gut feelings or other visible omens which must be heeded if you’re to receive any benefit at all from my horoscope—even if they fly in the face of your rational intelligence, the advice of your friends, or your compassion. In other words, giving someone the benefit of the doubt could be the worst thing you could possibly do right now. Trust your gut!
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
If you have any superficial tendencies, you’d best at least temporarily discard them now—because the person you need the most so doesn’t look like you wish they did. If you can’t shed your prejudices more easily then they can shed their skin, you’re in big trouble, because it means you’ll have to go without the food that best nourishes you for a year, or longer. If, however, you can turn a blind eye to the petty value systems you were programmed with ages back, you’ll get as spiritually fat as your new lover or teacher just may be, in the flesh.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
I have felt more of a kinship with you Scorpios this past year than with my own sign. I’ve watched my personal obsessions with sex and death wax and overflow in ways I’d only previously observed in members of your dark crew. I’m not alone, either; many people are identifying with you lately. More people actually get what you’re all about than ever before. This is both bad and good. Bad because you may have to give up the I’m-a-Deep-Loner-Who-No-One-Understands routine that you love so much. But good because your family of kindred spirits has just nearly doubled. Here’s another good thing: kindred spirits make great sex partners.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
You’re slicker than an oil spill right now. That’s not necessarily an enviable state. Too many people already regard you as a devastating natural disaster, and dread letting you near their boyfriends, girlfriends, or children, for fear of having to scrub away the residue of that encounter for months to come. How can you minimize your environmental impact? Without being facile: by cleaning up your act. I don’t mean sacrificing all the ideals you’ve espoused for so long, but I believe you’re ready and able to actually take on some of the responsibility and commitment you’ve been avoiding, without losing any of those values. Do so this week—and people will welcome you into their lives, not shun you from them.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
This is as good as it’s going to get for a while. I’m not saying start settling for second best. It’s just that some times are better than others for making quick progress or improving your lot in life. This week you’re likely to encounter incredible resistance when you try to move up in the world. Don’t give up entirely. Just cool it for a week or so. Bide your time and chill out. Instead of trying to force your way through, wait for the opening that’s bound to come—if not next week, then certainly the week after. If you’re not exhausted from fruitlessly trying to forge ahead, then you’ll be able to rocket upwards with three weeks of pent-up force.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Clumsiness is your worst enemy this week. It sucks to be in danger of defeat by your own potential ineptitude, but it can’t be denied; nothing the world can throw at you can do more damage right now than your two left feet. Therefore, watch your step, Water Bearer. I’m not even that worried about you; you’re resilient. You’ll eventually recuperate from any missteps you make now—but will the people and things you break recover once you’ve crashed into them? Move slowly and carefully right now—if you can’t handle that, just stand still until I tell you it’s safe to move again.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
You may wish for a Comfort Assistant, someone who’d discreetly follow you around attending to your every need. In addition to making sure you always had a delicious beverage on hand and that the ambient temperature was delightful, they’d perform a variety of other duties: You’d get foot massages every time you sat down. They’d intercept those you loathe, so you’d never have to directly deal with them. Pillows and genitalia would be ably fluffed before your use of them. However wonderful all this may sound, I can’t help thinking it’d get tiresome after a while (albeit a long while). Because life is about doing stuff, don’t shirk any pie you can stick your fingers into. When it comes to either being uncomfortable or not experiencing anything at all, choose the former, not the latter.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
You’re shedding worse than a golden retriever in high summer. The detritus you’ve been casting off has gathered in corners, piled in tall, flaky drifts against the walls, and populated the dust bunny homesteads beneath your bed. Discarded relationships, attitudes, forgotten friendships, unhealthy habits—they all lie pell-mell around your apartment, office, and gym. You’ve forgotten what color the floor was under all that mess. I know you’re exhausted from your great efforts. But you’re not done; those bad habits and failed philosophies still litter your existence, even if they’re not actively in use. That’s like kicking heroin but leaving needles and paraphernalia everywhere. Get that shit out of your house before you’re buried in it.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Do it right the first time. That’s the gist of the advice doled out by my favorite author, Neal Stephenson. He says it applies whether you’re writing fiction or computer code; it’s always harder to go back and try to debug faulty code or fix bad writing. This advice is relevant to you; specifically to the project you’ve just begun. Since you could do a slapdash, quickie job right now, then spend a period eight times as long fixing it, or you could take merely twice as long as the quickie version to nail your task perfectly (and never worry about it again), I recommend you choose the latter option.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
You’re so good at saying just the wrong thing at the worst time, consequently totally aggravating a situation that, say, a politically-minded Aquarius could have defused with a kind word and a joke. Another astrologer might throw up his hands and say there’s just no hope for you, but not I. At the same time, I’m aware that I can’t increase your diplomacy in one measly paragraph. You do have one recourse, however: parlay your tactlessness into an advantage. Every weakness can be played as a strength. For instance, those who know you’re incapable of subtle manipulations might trust (and adore) you all the more, knowing you’ll never screw them around.
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