Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Consider this excerpt from Shockheaded Peter, a cautionary children’s book, as sung by the Tiger Lillies: “Fidgety fidgety fidgety Phil….he won’t sit still…he rocks backwards and forwards on his chair… Mama’s getting very cross. See the moody, restless child! He wraps the tablecloth and then down upon the ground he falls, with knives, plates, forks, spoons and all… Where is Philip? Where is he? Oh there he is! And he bleeds! There’s a blood-stained tablecloth lying on him, there’s knives and forks all stuck in him. There’s a knife! There’s a fork! Oh, Philip, this is cruel work! What a terrible ta-do! Philip bleeds to death and turns blue.” In other words, dire fates await those who can’t sit still this week.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
You’re trapped in an overcrowded party full of fat people. In fact, everything is super-sized right now, so getting around people’s chubby egos and grandiose ideas may be slow-going for a while. Forget finding somewhere quiet to sit; you might be able to wedge yourself between those two corpulent ladies in the corner, but they’re notorious chatterboxes. You’re stuck, so all you can do is make the best of the situation. Luckily, the hors d’oeuvres are amazing, and the luxurious heathen in you should find plenty of satisfaction, even while the ascetic in you suffers.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
You may soon have some pride to swallow. That holier-than-thou advice-giver you know is right, despite your desperate wishes to the contrary; her predictions will bear out by month’s end. Have the good grace to beat her to the punch, without forcing anyone to say, “I told you so.” Instead of sorely resenting the counsel you were loathe to take, accept it gladly–it was given with only the best intentions. It just, sadly, wasn’t what you wanted to hear. You were wrong, she was right. Well, so what? It’s easy enough to get over: Say “thank you,” sincerely, and get on with your life.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Don’t keep anyone hanging this week. I know it’s unintentional; you’re just waiting for your feelings to sort themselves out. Sadly, they’re not likely to right now. Nevertheless, you must provide some clarity. That may mean arbitrarily choosing the most likely end result of your internal process, and taking the risk that you might be wrong about where you’ll end up. But it’s not fair to force others to wade through the muck of your confusion. Get them out of this bog to dry land as swiftly as possible; if it turns out that where you eventually slog to is different from where you sent them, you can sort that out later.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Sections of your mind and spirit might feel like waking limbs at the moment; those painful pins and needles are simply the blood rushing through long-neglected passages and bringing parts of you back to life and feeling. Resist your instincts to flee the sensation and retreat to safer, more anesthetized territory. This is a good thing, even though it hurts. It was fine to take a break from using these particular psychic appendages, but it’s been so long you’re risking atrophy; that’s why some part of you has decided it’s time to call them back into play. Don’t waste this chance; once they’ve come awake, start using them without delay.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
You thought that it was over. You could feel it in your bones; the arthritis of a relationship ending. It used to come on when storm clouds brewed; eventually it began happening with more frequency. Fortunately, there are remedies for arthritis; bee stings work wonders, I’ve heard. Injecting the relationship with a tiny bit of nearly harmless poison could breathe new life and flexibility into it. Of course, if it’s as close to the end as you think it might be, even that much toxicity might just knock it into whatever afterlife awaits you two. But at this point, it’s worth a try, regardless, don’t you think?
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
Pisces Nina Simone sang: “I’ve got it bad, and that ain’t good.” You know what she means, don’t you? Sometimes you’re uncomfortable when feelings get this intense. Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on how you look at it) this week is nothing but intensity. With this week’s astrological portents presiding over the masquerade like voodoo queens, there’s no telling who’ll show up and what they’ll do–except that it won’t be boring, and it won’t make you feel safe, coddled, or at ease. This is a rollercoaster, not a merry-go-round, so make sure you psych yourself up for the right ride.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
The last time around left you with your mind a bit unraveled, your ego cut in sheets. You stitched together the tatters as best you could, but you’re still viewing possible entanglements as chances to feel bad, instead of fertile and fun opportunities for growth. I wish you could have the ages it would take you to heal properly before jumping into the fray again. But I’d hate for you to miss out on the sweet moments soon becoming available to you. Can’t you shorthand your own progress a little? See where you’re headed and just sort of pretend you’re there already? You can always take it slow with the new thing–as long as you take it.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
You can put yourself to sleep counting your demons; there are so many. One by one, they hop the fence into your psychic pastures, just a bit less innocent than sheep, while you watch them as passively as a sleeper in a dream. Luckily, this is a dream you can awaken from, or more usefully, awaken into. Once you take action, you can steer the poor, essentially spineless things any way you like. Sure, a few tough ones might only respond to something as extreme as an electric cattle prod (which you may or may not have handy), but nevertheless, this is a good week to exterminate or otherwise banish 90% of the pesky nagging little evils (both internal and external) that plague your life. Some of them may reincarnate or return from exile–but surely not for a month or two.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
It’s a new day. I don’t refer to the sun’s ascent this morning, but instead to the metaphorical illumination of new prospects and options that weren’t visible by the grim darkness of the last chapter. In your long-suffering life, you’ve already learned that sometimes, when things are quite shitty, all you can do is go to sleep and hope things are better tomorrow. Your patience and wisdom born from experience is admirable; your problem is that you sometimes miss that a new chapter has actually started until you’re a few days into it. That’s why I’m here–to make sure you notice: it’s a new day.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Fellow Cancer Antoine de Saint-Exupery once said, “A rock pile ceases to be a rock pile the moment a single man contemplates it, bearing within him the image of a cathedral.” Hell yeah! This is right in line with your week, when everyone else will be seeing mounds of dirt and gravel and you’ll have visions of constructing vast edifices for the worship and empowerment of human potential. Act on those noble and magnificent daydreams. Take instruction from Antoine: “As for the future, your task is not [just] to foresee it, but to enable it.”
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
You may wish you were a delicate little creature who resides in a magnolia blossom, but that won’t make it so. For better or worse, you’re a big, elegant, fierce, beautiful monster who withers fragile flowers with a look, or a roar. In other words, don’t pretend you’re something you’re not, except as a game. You’re not that good an actor, and people will see right through those make-pretend scenarios with ease, and write you off as an insincere asshole. To quote Ani Difranco: “If you’re born a lion, don’t bother trying to act tame.”
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