Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
Don’t get lazy on me now. Lately you’ve been living your life in broad strokes, and sort of glossing over the details, or pretending to postpone them ‘til later. That’s lame. Some of the details are boring, it’s true—but some of them are actually the most interesting parts of what you’re up to. You think you’re being succinct, even pithy, but in actuality, you’re just being vague. There are worlds of difference between selectively imparting a few fascinating details, relating all of them without discrimination, or simply sharing none at all. The first makes you brilliant, observant, and entertaining, while either of the other two options just makes you boring. You choose.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Smack any asshole who says you’re fat—however obliquely or subtly. Reject especially any of the kind of underhanded compliments you’re likely to receive this week, the ones that are designed to make you feel bad about yourself, or worse, to react aggressively and start dishing out the same thing. A bad scenario would be you’d start disliking yourself because of something someone said; the worst-case scenario has you behaving just as badly as the fuckers who slyly abused you in the first place. Instead, just give ‘em a slap, a dirty look, or best yet, a hearty laugh, then utterly forget about them.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
A minor resurgence of Victorian era aesthetic (and, in some cases, values) has begun, and is apt to continue—with Librans spearheading the movement. Oh sure, you’re not likely to start advocating that women wear breath-thwarting corsets, but some of the less restrictive (but actually nicest) aspects of their fashion and behavior are especially appealing to you. It’s good to be real, and unaffected, and forthright—but if you can express all that honesty with utter tact and gentility, you’re likely to be charming rather than just plain demanding or harsh. What I’m trying to get at is—don’t change what you have to say, but if you can find a way to express it sweetly, you’ll get better results than if you just blurt it out any old way.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Just stay calm. You’ve suddenly found yourself in the upper limbs of a very tall tree, now bucking wildly in the wind. You climbed up here almost without noticing, so intent on the fruit in these branches, then suddenly, just now, you looked down, and noticed how high you’ve come. The vertigo is probably overwhelming. Breathe. I won’t lie to you; the descent is exponentially harder than the ascent. But you can do it. The trick is finding the balance between taking your time and becoming paralyzed by fear or indecision. Keep moving, steadily, and don’t think about how much further you have to go. You’ll be on the ground in no time, and, surprisingly, ready to do it all again.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
You’re a houseplant that hasn’t been watered in weeks. That explains that melted-around-the-edges feeling you have, like a candle left in sunlight. It’s not that you’re getting old—a possibility you’d sourly considered (admit it). Sags tend to keep going strong deep into their golden years. What’s actually happened is you’ve gone too long without something basic and necessary (like water for the marigolds). Luckily, you’re one of those responsive and hardy houseplants that can surge back to radiant health from near-death within minutes of hydration. Still, that’s no reason to put it off any longer. Whatever it is you need as much as a plant needs water—go get it.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
One of the best and worst things about you, Capricorn, is that when you find something that works, you stick with it. This can make you a steadfastly loyal friend or lover, but kind of a limited one. Although it’s generally a good strategy (and admirable when compared to the attention-deficit-powered whimsy exercised by those flighty Geminis), it has a problem: you too often settle for something that’s only slightly above average. Adequate will do, and does, for you, sadly leaving the better alternative undiscovered except, occasionally, entirely by accident. Stop settling! Look beyond the first acceptable solution this week—you’ll be surprised at how little effort is required to achieve exponentially better results.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
How to make things straightforward and uncomplicated: Don’t strain yourself trying to simplify and edit them, which is actually a lot of hard work (and complicated in and of itself). A better solution is to just change your relationship to them, how you react and interact. The turbulent nature of your life these days means you don’t get a smooth ride right now, no matter how much you work at it. So instead of sweating it and struggling to achieve the bumpless jaunt you’d hoped for, figure out a way to live more happily with the zigs, zags, climbs and plunges. When you realize that you have only a tiny fraction of the control you thought you had, you can, perversely, relax—and that actually makes things simpler than you ever imagined they could be.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
Summer’s nearly over. How many of the things you thought you’d finish this season have you actually accomplished? You’ve been so lazy. I’m usually a huge advocate of blissful indolence but your slowSunday drive is along a major highway. In about four weeks, millions of cars and 18-wheelers will surge onto the interstate you’re lackadaisically drifting down right now. To avoid a nasty 23-car pile-up and horrifically tedious traffic snarls for weeks afterwards, I suggest you step on the gas at least a little, and either get into gear or find an exit ramp, fast.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Your busyness has levels and levels—a fact you frequently forget. You’ll be bustling along, thinking you’re about as busy as you can be, until events compound and accelerate. Then, you realize that you’d actually been quite relaxed, before—you just hadn’t noticed or realized it. I mention this now because you’re, in point of fact, only revving at 60% of your full capacity, even though it feels like more. But you’ll realize how chill this time was when you’re forced to shift gears in a couple weeks and move closer to 90% of what you’re capable of. In other words, stop stressing. This is easy, relatively. Enjoy it.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Let’s talk about actions and their occasionally transformative consequences. Churning milk turns it into butter, compressing coal creates diamonds, and drinking too much beer makes you fat. Similarly, if you screw with a Taurus long enough, you get one of two fairly predictable results: the long-fused Bull either turns into a sullen, immoveable rock, or transmutes into a swift, untouchable black storm cloud. The rock is sturdy but essentially helpless; it just has to sit there and take it. The thunderhead, however, has options, and power. When you get to that fork in the road this week regarding how you’ll react to the persistent prodding you’ve been receiving, I think your choice is obvious, don’t you?
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Enough already. You can’t keep living this way. It’s time to address that nagging issue on the agenda that you’ve tabled for months (or, in some cases, years). Your best efforts to simply not think about it are falling flat, and that “perfect moment” you’ve been waiting for will never come—not this week, anyway, nor in the coming months. So what? If this were about something you needed, and not something someone else required, you’d never wait this long to bring it up. Do unto others, my friend—help out the ones who need you, and speak up, for goodness’ sake.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Your alien abduction fantasies are never going to come true unless you spend more time by yourself. What, you want them to show up in the middle of a party and pick you up, or pluck you out of bed in flagrante delicto? True, it’ll probably never happen regardless, but it’s as good an excuse as any to take some sorely-needed and long-overdue alone time. You need it; you’re too often inclined to just go and go, with continually overlapping social entanglements, and never take a break until you break completely down. Don’t let it go there. Assess all the various people and places you could do and go to this week, and then say no to at least some of them.
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