Taurus (April 20-May 20)
You’re consistent; I’ll give you that—which is why many of your friends will be surprised when you do an attitude-about-face this week. The source of your sudden change-of-heart: two minor visitations (either in person, on the phone, via email, or in your dreams) from people you rarely see (but who are a lot more important to you than you let on). Thus when the following days’ major events occur, your usually predictable response is turned on its head—in a good way. Your new reactions are a vast improvement over what you would’ve done in a week ago, but don’t stop there—also let the people who changed your life know they did.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Astrological forces this week are conspiring to bestow heaps of blessings and free gifts on nearly everyone this week (except for those Aries, poor kids)—but most of all you, Gemini. It’s almost too easy; you barely have to do anything to deserve the cornucopia that’s coming your way. In fact, all that you need to do to open your doors to the bounty that awaits you is, um, open your doors. That is, create as many openings as possible for the universe to present you with juice and juju: buy lottery tickets, enter raffles, and smile at strangers.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Hell hath no fury like a Cancer scorned. I’m certainly keeping out of your way as your rage burns a swathe of devastation across the most thickly forested areas of your psychic landscape. Those deep woods represented some of your darkest and most inhibitive fears; once you’ve calmed down, you’ll be able to salt the earth with a rational resolution that comes from the deepest, truest part of you, so those terrifying paranoid fantasies can never grow back to obstruct your progress again. Even better than all that: When you’re done tending to this beleaguered patch of spiritual soil you’ll see what that sinister jungle concealed and barricaded: a clear path to the achievement of your most often-foiled dream, with no obstacles left but time and process.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
This week you may feel like a child abandoned by mom in the supermarket, and she couldn’t even be bothered to have you paged over the in-store intercom. But before you let your abandonment issues plunge you into a weeks-long depression, open your eyes and wander the aisles a little. Yeah, your negligent nanny probably ditched you, but you’re actually primed to meet a stranger more fulfilling and supportive than she ever was. The bottom of your safety net may drop out, but before you even have time to scream, you’ll land on the much more solid floor beneath, which you never knew was there. Isn’t it worth losing a familiar mediocre relationship, if you’re going to get one that’s much better?
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Your innards may feel like they’re tied in a knot, but that’s actually a good thing, as different parts of your psyche conspire to help other parts with their respective agendas. In this case, your intellect and intuition are collaborating to help manifest your most outrageous and private fantasies (the ones you’ve been too embarrassed to ask for before), while your usually hidden passion and semi-ignored soul are primed to help you uncover some of the clues to the achievement of your more worldly plans, clues your logical brain and practical connections were too pragmatic to see.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
Your dreamy romantic self is going to run into the most pessimistic, nay-saying side of you this week. Make them sit down for herbal tea and black coffee, respectively, and finally come to an agreement that your whole self can get behind. Resolving your continuing idealism with your fiery realism may be more difficult than brokering peace in the Middle East, but it’s no less important; this is a riddle that must be solved before you blow yourself up, and leave nothing but rubble—certainly nothing worth fighting for. Make sure these disparate parts of you are as comfortable and content as possible, then lock them in a room and don’t let either one leave until every point of contention is addressed.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Expect your inner menagerie to mostly grow this week, as the bunnies boff the lions and the giraffes screw the turtles, giving you a whole host of internal mutant offspring possessing special abilities to work with. All these strange new urges and talents could attract a host of new acquaintances, friends, and lovers. Surprising? Sure, you may feel more like a freak than you ever have before, but that’s good for you Scorpios: Maybe you’ll finally get the concept that your most unique characteristics, no matter how odd, are also your most powerful.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Up until now, you’ve sometimes had trouble living up to your own standards, but this week, what you say and what you do has just become one. The ideals you espouse are easier than ever to embody—so easy that you’ll wonder why you’ve never been able to match your impractically optimistic dreams of self-actualization before. Don’t question things too intently, however—soon enough everything will revert to previous levels of difficulty. So work it while you can; the more practice you can get living up to your own high standards before that happens, the better.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Floor it. Your most idealistic plans (previously nearly vanquished and dismissed by your cynical realism) are suddenly more possible than ever before, thanks to an almost uncharacteristic synergy between heart and mind. That expanded personal power has opened some big barn doors of opportunity for you. Just don’t let your sparklingly imaginative plans fizzle when an unexpected hitch (a necessary trip or unexpected visitor) threatens to disrupt your momentum. Yes, it’s a speed bump, but if I were you, I wouldn’t even slow down. Just put the pedal to the metal and fly over it.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Your rational intellect and your irrational emotions are ganging up on your strictest internal taskmaster like a pair of unruly schoolchildren turning after-school detention into anarchy. Let them throw your inner dominatrix-teacher into helpless chaos; although she’s helped you achieve certain things, she’s worse than useless now, as she’s holding you back. Your inner nerd and prankster have learned all they can from her restrictive school. Now it’s time to let them run amok out in the real world without her stifling discipline. Don’t get rid of her forever—just lock her in a room for a while. There might be a time when you’ll need to invite her back. I’ll let you know when.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
Usually you operate like a pantheon of gods: each individually powerful, but because of internal theistic politics, a lot of that might and effectiveness is checked by their forces working against and contradicting each other. The infighting has been especially bad lately—making you so conflicted that the universe has kicked your ass with almost no resistance the past month. All that’s about to change, though: this week all those inner deities will be united for a common cause: finally figuring out how to surmount your biggest, baddest, longest-held fear—and achieve unprecedented (and lucrative) success while doing it.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Don’t be bitter. Yeah, everyone around you is holding out their hands and receiving manna from heaven. It’s definitely not fair that all these people should receive windfalls and opportunities while the only thing nearly landing in your lap is a falling chunk of blue ice from an airplane bathroom. But come on, whining about how life’s not fair won’t get you anywhere good—on the contrary, it might make people more likely to rub your face in your own shitty bad luck. So buck up, Aries. Grin and try to feel happy for the beneficence that’s landed everywhere but here.
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