Taurus (April 20-May 20)
The other night, I dreamt I was directing a new horror movie called Noise, about a house that killed people using sound. I woke up loving the idea of a supernatural, conscious house (even a malign one), and then I thought of you, and your recent conception that less-than-benevolent forces are at work against you. No, I can’t definitively prove that your car, apartment, or elevator isn’t out to get you. But I’d like to suggest that you’re out to get yourself, in that peculiar form of subtle self-sabotage you’re infamous for. So the next time you’re shocked by the <DOOR CLOSE> button or get your finger slammed in the car door, look for the possible poltergeist in your own soul, not outside.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Do not, I repeat, do not throw in the towel, no matter how grim the situation. Giving up is never the answer, even if it gives you the illusion of “control” over your reality. It’s better to try for the one vanishingly slender chance for success or survival, no matter how unlikely it seems. There’s really no logical reason why you’d do anything else. Yes, the odds may seem (or even be) stacked against you. However, that’s no reason to fold like a house of cards. It’s very simple: If you don’t try for victory, you definitely won’t achieve it; if you do, you’ll probably lose anyway—but you just might win.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
I feel like you’re listening to me, from behind my closet door, or watching me via telescope from the apartment across the street. I’m not alone, either; many people have felt your tangible presence in their lives lately, whether or not you’re actually there. If only you could reap some reward from this stretched out psychic footprint. Wait! You can! It’s useful to have all these people thinking of you while they’re alone. Drop subtle hints about what you need or want; the next time you see the people who heard them, you’re likely to get it.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
Most Leos exercise such a high degree of control over virtually every aspect of their existences that they seek temporary asylums from their own power. It feels good to take a break from being in charge for a while. For years now, you’ve gotten your servility fix one way, but your old outlet for exercising humility will soon no longer be a healthy option. This week start researching new way ways to explore your passive, receptive side. This time, you might have to give up even more jurisdiction. Trust. As long as you choose the right person or situation to turn them over to, you’ll get the reins of your life back undamaged, and in plenty of time to keep from steering off-course.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Take a shower. Do a Colon Cleanse. This week you need to finally rid yourself of the still clinging emotional detritus of your last chapter, whatever it takes. It ended last month, for fuck’s sake! Try an all-over skin peel, a Catholic exorcism, or the local Santeria shaman’s best voodoo cure. Whatever you do, don’t end the week still allowing (or worse, holding onto) the outmoded fears and beliefs that defined your last spin around the block. Eject the monkey from its free ride on your back. Try to toss it in front of the car, finally, so you can run over and kill it.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
If I were a magician (either in the Harry Potter sense or in the archetypal Tarot sense), my laptop would be my magic wand. Without it, I wouldn’t be able to cast most of the spells I use to survive and navigate my way through the world. It can’t easily be replaced; therefore, I’m protective of it. There’s a parallel in your life. There’s one principle tool you use to facilitate life or comfort, whether it’s your car, your family name, or your exceptional good looks. In any case, don’t give anyone else power over it this week unless they’re prepared to give you a better version of what you’ve already got.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Being important to people can, at times, be such a burden. It’s the endless Scorpionic struggle: how to balance your intense need for introspection and deep, undisturbed reflection with your powerful urge to share your wisdom, philosophical musings and soul-rooted passion with other people (who consequently fall in love with you, worship you, or enthusiastically despise you (or all three)). Sometimes the two nearly-conflicting (but actually complementary) compulsions don’t arrive in synch with your outer reality; that is, you need to retreat when people most need your love, guidance, and discipline, and you feel the inclination to reach out when people are least receptive to what you have to offer. Luckily, this week you’ll be exactly in tune with which role the universe wants you to play.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Your chronic need for speed may become irresistibly intense and reach unprecedented heights this week. Very little can satisfy this urge besides a brief voyage on the Concorde or a record-breaking cross-country road trip. Not for you is the endless high-velocity circling of a track; you need to be actually going somewhere—the faster the better. Go ahead, indulge your craving (as if I could stop you). Just make sure the cannon’s pointed in generally the right direction (and there’s a net to catch you where you’re going) before you fire yourself from it.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Hey Peg-leg. Lately, you’ve compensated for your self-perceived handicaps with accessories and attitude that have made you far more appealing than you were before you started considering your own flaws. Yes, self-examination has, ultimately, made you sexy. If you lost an eye, you’d be hotter in an eye patch than most people are with a full pair. You’re probably a bit less piratical (and literal) than I’ve suggested in making up for your minor failings, but don’t underestimate the ability of those compensations to attract and charm. So get out there and pillage the local scene for all available booty for your bedroom and gold for your teeth.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Lately your cynicism has spiraled out of control. Far be it from me to refute your now time-tested unbelief about lasting romantic love. But there are some things you do believe in, like other kinds of love, and friendship, and creation. It’s time to envision a realistic positive future for yourself, one that excludes the stuff you simply no longer believe in, but includes all the stuff you do, in such creative combinations and quantities that you’ll end up happier than in any previously-imagined future. Get on it. The sooner you invent the possibility of your new reality, the sooner it can manifest.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
Orchids’ closest relatives are asparagus. These ancient flowers are unlike most other blooms (although irises and daffodils are distant second cousins). They’re like you—they look like one thing but are actually, inside, more like another. That is, you might appear shallowly and vainly beautiful, like a perpetually blooming flower, but you’re actually deep and nutritious, like the orchid’s other relatives, yucca and onions. Go out and buy an orchid to nurture this week—you need a reminder of the startling contrast between how people perceive you and how you really are, so you never make the mistake of believing other people’s opinions of your limitations.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Biting the hand that feeds you is never a good idea. You know this. Yet somehow, this week, you may not be able to resist nipping it a little. Is it because you resent the beneficence that comes at the cost of someone else’s generosity? Not really. Is it because you don’t like the strings attached to what’s being given? Nope. There is a reason, though—once you figure out what it is, you’ll no longer be inclined to chewing the fingers of your benefactor. Even better, you probably won’t need them to support you in any way, any more.
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