Here’s this week’s horoscope, which is pretty good for everyone, except you Cancers. You’ll see why…
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
I’m worried about you, Taurus. In recent months, you’ve really come into or remembered the sources and applications of your great strength, and developed a positive feedback loop of confidence. Although you’re not necessarily in danger, I’m here to warn you, anyway—the kinds of problems that are most likely to haunt you now aren’t other predators or kindred forces of nature—they’re of the tiny variety that you can barely see. Since you can’t easily fight or avoid these kinds of foes, you need allies who can. A Pisces best friend or Cancer roommate would be ideal.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
You won a weekend with your favorite dynamic duo in the superhero auction. For at least a couple days this week, they’ll support and supplement everything you do with their own specialized resources. Even though each on his own is somewhat ridiculous, their synergistic effectiveness is a force to be reckoned with. Use the powers of your shadow allies while you have them, but don’t overestimate what you can do, either. To give you some idea what you’re capable of: You may not be able to leap tall buildings in a single bound but you can still reach the second story. Stopping bullets with your bare hands is a bit ambitious as well—try dodging them instead.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Worms contaminated by radioactivity near Chernobyl switched from asexual to sexual reproduction. Instead of simply cloning themselves, they started combining genes from two parents to produce a child who shared the best qualities of both, enabling the species to eliminate damaged genes and produce more worms with built-in radiation-protection. Emulate them, mentally: An interesting new idea you’ll encounter (and be inclined to adopt) this week will be only so-so as-is. But if you combine it with a robust (if slightly tired) concept you’ve cherished for ages, it could be the key to the most exciting, inspiring path you’ll walk this year.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
Reputations can help or hurt; make yours work for you this week. See, everyone thinks they’ve got you all figured out; you’re renowned for unshakeable forthrightness and invariably direct dealings. As laudable as that behavior is, it’s a handicap this week, when subtlety is key. You’re not capable of outright deviousness; I know this. Luckily, there’s no need to resort to dishonesty or ethically questionable manipulation—just a little mystery. That’s right—this week is mostly about biting your tongue. Instead of loudly announcing exactly where you’re going and what you’ll do there, let them guess. Since they’ll all guess wrong, you’ll be able to do exactly what you want, how you want, with no interference or objection at all.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
You’re not excessively prone to nostalgia. In fact, you’re the most likely sign to trash them during some extremely thorough spring-cleaning. You’re right when you consider the past a hindrance—having the jumbled litter of old chapters hampering your movements now (both literally and figuratively) is a shitty prospect. However, your history can also strengthen you, by reminding you of hard-earned wisdom born of mistakes you’ve made. Go ahead and eliminate most of the clutter of your life, but not all of it—there are a few lessons I’d rather you remember than relive.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
If your brain were a house, it’d be like the common areas (kitchen, living room, bathroom, bedroom) had gone dark. What to do with this sudden exposure of your skeletons, dusty baggage, and nearly-useless relics of nearly-forgotten chapters? Take a break from your usual patterns to address this stuff. Some of it might be useful, if you rethink its application. You’ll also have no better time to finally trash the crap you know you’ll never use again.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Traditionally, each Scorpio only makes one round-trip journey to her personal underworld, during which she learns the lessons and acquires the skills she’s renowned for. Whether you’ve already made your trip to Hell and Back, you’re due for an imminent journey in that direction. Don’t worry; you’re only going just far enough to point to your private purgatorial pit and say, “Oh yeah, that’s where it is.” Once you’ve reminded yourself of its location, you’re that much less likely to stumble upon it by accident, and even though you can’t put off (or erase the memory of) your trip there forever, you can at least postpone it until you’re really ready.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Stop procrastinating. Just sit your ass down and get to work (I know you Sags only shirk tedious desk-duties, not vigorous physical labor). You simply can’t put off your dreaded chore any longer; if you try, your window of opportunity or success will close, maybe forever. So don’t waste another second, please. Your friends and I would do it for you if we could, just to get it over with, but that’s not possible. Just do it! I can’t wait for you to get out from under this ton of apprehension, especially because in retrospect, your task will only weigh an ounce.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Your fillings won’t pick up alien radio transmissions; your brain isn’t apt to start channeling the wisdom of ancestral shamans. For all your much lauded and criticized pragmatism, it simply can’t be denied: your sign is the most firmly rooted in the Here and Now. This week, listen to the kooks whoare transmitting the wisdom of long-dead witches or galactic neighbors. Most of it’ll be hackneyed tripe, but there might be a miniscule percentage that’s actually authentic (and sublimely useful)—and only you can tell the good from the bad. Please do so; we need every grain of outside perspective and guidance we can get.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
You’re immune to imposition by other minds. That special invulnerability cuts both ways, though, by making you impervious to some really good ideas or mental technology. That’s why, like every hyper-capable superhero, you need a good sidekick you can trust, who’ll let you know when you’re overlooking something important or worthwhile you’d be better off absorbing. You’d be surprised at how many kernels of useful wisdom are buried within otherwise cornball ideas and philosophies—with your new ally’s aid, you should be able to notice, extract, and use them.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
Big surprise; the way Pisces interact with each other is complicated. On the one hand, you understand each other with a psychic empathy that amazes bystanders. On the other, you can be so different you’re like separate species. However, there are times—like this week—when your Fish-to-Fish alliances can transcend all your quirky idiosyncrasies and you can get on the same page on every level. While in that state of eerie and unstoppable unity, nothing lies beyond your grasp. Since it never lasts for long, plan on what you’d like to achieve now, so when that astrological communion strikes, you’ll be able to grab it.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Don’t get cocky. Even though you’re up against opponents as laughable as the Wonder Twins, your arrogance could be your downfall. Don’t discount your enemies too quickly. Their absurdly limited abilities couldn’t possibly take you down when you’re playing your best game. It’s sort of a weird dichotomy—while your best is ten times more than good enough to get the job done, just a little less could keep you from winning the game.
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