Gemini (May 21-June 20)
The hens have finally come home to roost. Okay, they haven’t yet arrived, but you can see them on the horizon, clucking and pecking and working their way back to the coop. So be patient, and by all means resist the tangibly growing temptation to count your chickens before they hatch. In my metaphor, the poultry represents that project you’ve been putting every spare scrap of energy, attention, and time into. But just because you’ve successfully enticed all those finicky fowl doesn’t mean they’re automatically going to lay eggs. So don’t get cocky. You’ve got one more hungry fox to catch and kill before you have anything to crow about.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Bide your time, baby. Save your strength. This first week of your birthday season promises to be a fun one, but you’ll soon learn it’s nothing compared to the next two. Don’t blow your wad now—you’d regret it next month, when you’ll want every bit of juju and mojo you’ve been storing up. Cash in your chips then, when the payoff will be exponentially more than the modicum of amusement you’d receive now. Yes, yes: be present—enjoy yourself in the moment. All I’m saying is don’t burn out so you end up sitting out when the party really gets going.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
What you need is someone who wants—nay, needs—to give you exactly what you crave. It’s all well and good to find a companion who’s willing to provide what you ask for (often as part of a mutual benefits bargain) but somehow that’s not as satisfying as finding the person who absolutely requires being able to scratch exactly where you itch. See? I get the concept. But I urge you: rethink it. Imagine this: that person can be “created.” Desire can be taught. Willingness is a good enough start—given patience and enthusiastic encouragement, it can easily blossom into full-fledged desire. It’s way more fun to get satisfaction this way than to endure the years of searching and waiting required to find someone who already knows how to give you exactly what you need.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Being a writer, I love language. I especially adore those words which somehow seem like what they are, like awkward, and moist. Can you seem like what you are, Virgo? There’s long been a disconnect between how people perceive you and how you perceive yourself. Yet I believe it’s in your power—and best interest—to unmistakably radiate what you’re all about, thereby increasing your likelihood to attract what (and who) you need to attract. You’ll also vanquish people’s illusions about you before they have a chance to be disappointed. Be like sizzle and sound like what you are this week, so people get it, finally.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
Right now, you’re kicking yourself for having such bad timing, for starting that new venture at a time when you apparently weren’t psychologically prepared for it. You’ve been questioning whether your rapidly accelerating mental backpedal is a reaction to your frontier-exploration or just an unfortunate coincidence. It sucks, regardless, because it’s hard to forge new territory when you’re fearful, lazy, undisciplined, or all three. The good news is you’re not allergic to the unknown. The bad news—exterior forces areinfluencing you to have adverse reactions to it. Still, that bad news can be good news—it’s nothing you have to get over, just something to push through. Don’t cave and give up. Forge ahead.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
You’re virtually impossible to get over. The marks you leave are mostly indelible, whether they’re scars from blows you’ve struck, or love bites. You can’t help it, which sucks for you. I’ve known Scorpios who’ve cloistered themselves to keep from involuntarily hurting anyone. Unfortunately that doesn’t help—people are just as likely to injure themselves by running into the walls outside your self-created monastic retreat, trying to get to you. So don’t try in vain to hide your pheromone-charged combustible attractiveness from the world. Get out there and use it. If you want my experience-informed two cents, it hurts a lot less to run into your open arms (even if it means getting pushed away) than into your unfeeling back.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
You’re too strong to worry about this shit. So you don’t mistake this week’s piddling obstacles as actual problems, pretend your various adversaries, enemies, and unwell-wishers aren’t trying to crush you or trip you up; they’re just trying to make you laugh. You’re that powerful; so mighty that their various attempts to mess up your shit can only be jokes. For you to pay notice to them as if they deserved your attention—or worse, to be bothered by them—only demeans you. So laugh. Throw back your head and guffaw as if all their cherry bombs, collection notices, and knives in the back are just delightful good fun.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
You may not have the first-glance-impact of some of the other signs. But you do have something else—increased desirability relative to a person’s experience. That is, with each spin someone takes around the block, you get hotter. It’s sort of like reverse beer goggles; as illusions and self-deceptions get stripped away, the brand of consistency and reliability (and undercover sexual vigor) you represent becomes more and more appealing. That’s good news for you Caps, who are often lonelier than most; When you do get some interest—like you may this week—you can be assured, it’s as real as it gets.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Georgina Beyer is awesome. She rolled into Carterton, one of New Zealand’s most rural, conservative hick towns, as a Maori transsexual ex-prostitute and three years later she was their mayor. A few years after that, she became the Parliamentary representative for that district, chosen by a largely white, conservative electorate. The reason? Her candor and accessibility. From the get-go, she owned who she was and who she’d been. That’s the only way for you to go, Aquarius. Don’t hide anything about where you’ve been and what you’ve done. I mean it. Don’t hide anything.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
This week is so unromantic. There’ll be no red roses, no candlelit dinners, no scented lingerie. So what? You’ve got something better. Don’t mourn that cheesy crap, not when you could have copious amounts of frank discussion about anything and everything that crosses your mind. People have rarely been this eager to candidly engage you with back-to-back heart-to-hearts. Use this rare and ultimately amazing opportunity. You’ll soon discover that getting and giving honest answers to longstanding questions can be more romantic than a heart-shaped hot tub could ever be.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Biting your tongue hurts so bad you rarely do it. You don’t have time, patience, or tolerance for self-censorship. As you know all too well, that gets you into trouble more often than not. That’s why you’re lucky when you get to enjoy weeks like this one, where your honesty and tactlessness create positive effects that outweigh the negative ones at least two to one. Speak out, you silver-tongued vixen. Charm, chastise, compliment, and criticize with absolute license. Nothing you say can hurt you more than a slap on the face, and will ultimately get you more respect than contempt.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Whether or not you have a soulmate (or five, or hundreds) out there I don’t know. I’ll leave that debate to you. I’m just here to ground your vision a little, because too often people who believe in that stuff leave it all to chance. Unfortunately, most of us are just not that lucky. Usually you have to work to find your soulmate. Even, if by some extraordinary chance you meet some perfect prince(ss) charming in some destiny-evoking way, there’ll be work involved, eventually. The other shoe will drop. Stop waiting for, expecting, or even hoping for perfection. Nothing’s perfect—countthat among your blessings. Perfection is a lot of pressure. Take the imperfections and run with them. Given a chance, you’ll realize that they’re more perfect than perfect could ever be.
To contact Caeriel send mail to firstname.lastname@example.org.