Taurus (April 20-May 20)
You’re as multi-layered as an onion, as fresh as a new apple, and as nutritious and good for those around you as broccoli. Too bad most people lately have been focusing on the worst of you, assuming that you’ll make them cry, spoil everything you touch, and be a bad-tasting obligation. Sadly, there’s not much you can do. Overcoming people’s presuppositions and judgments about you is hard, since they won’t let you close enough to change their minds. Therefore, this week focus on stuff that will make you shine from a distance. If your actions are big, bold, and impressive enough, you’ll draw people to you despite their negative first impressions.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
You’re not naturally a politician. Kissing strangers’ babies and shaking hands on the campaign trail feels contrived. Since you can’t totally avoid the slightly odious tasks you’re required to do, dredge the back rooms of your multiple personality disorder and whip out those lesser-used personae who might actually be good at what you have to do. Yes, your tasks (and the parts of you that get off on doing them) are somewhat tedious, but believe me: showing off, yet again, how cleverly endowed and multifaceted you are can only help your reputation, not hurt it.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
All your challenges—even the petty irritating ones—are actually opportunities to show off just how patient and enlightened you’ve become. In the grand scheme of things, nothing truly bad will happen to you this week. In fact, most of what you’ll experience will ultimately be more positive than negative. You simply may have trouble seeing it that way, since this week’s presents are likely to come wrapped in annoying paper. Still, assume that the gifts inside are worth the layers of redundant and bothersome packaging and tear through it instead of refusing them altogether. You’ll be at least a little glad you did.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
Sometimes it seems like the more self-actualized you get, the more single you are. Let me explain. All that self-knowledge is holding you back from most relationships, because it’s limiting your ability to settle for just anyone, to accept unreasonable compromises just so you don’t have to be alone. The more you don’t mind being alone with your lovely self, the less likely you are to make room for anyone who won’t add to your life. Be patiently alert, sweet Leo. All the so-so suitors in the world could never fill you up, but the magnificent dreamboat you’re waiting for will come, eventually. When s/he does, you’ll know, and, hopefully, be ready.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Negative thinking doesn’t have to be bad. For instance, when you’re making a block print, you have to focus on all the stuff youdon’t want in the final print, so you can carve it away, leaving only the good stuff. In that spirit, engage in a little reflection on your most, let’s say, unconstructive qualities. Only by noticing them and clearly defining them will you ever be able to rid yourself of them. It’s imperative that you do so, since the tight spaces you’ll deeply desire to slip into later this summer will require that you be at your leanest and most baggage-free state.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
While he was in dress rehearsal for a stage production of The Three Musketeers, my friend’s car almost got stolen. Luckily, one of the stagehands glimpsed the theft-in-progress, and alerted the cast, who immediately rushed out to the parking lot, all bedecked in capes and foils, and surrounded the vehicle, swords pointed at the bewildered bandit, trapping him inside until the amused police arrived. Since you’re all dressed to play a hero, why not live the role? Something very precious and important to you is about to be absconded with. Rush out to its rescue, your comrades-in-arms at your side, and don’t let the heart-burglar escape until s/he’s returned the stolen goods and been safely locked away.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
“Something’s not quite right.” That sentiment will haunt you all week. As you navigate various situations, your subconscious may nag you with the perception that your fly is open, shoelaces untied, or the suspicion of spinach in your teeth. Unfortunately, your ability to identify exactly what might be wrong is at a low. The bad news is you can look forward to a couple weeks of hearing about all the gaffes you made without quite noticing. The good news: If you don’t spend your whole week fruitlessly trying to track down and prevent your mistakes, the work you can do in spite of them will absolutely eclipse them.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
I almost don’t want to write you a horoscope this week, because it might give you the wrong idea; you’re flying so low under almost everyone’s radar right now that you’re not likely to get much attention or energy from anyone you don’t force yourself on. This could be a rough adjustment after the last few weeks, when people couldn’t stop focusing on you. Don’t worry, that unhealthy cycle of obsession/neglect will end soon. Don’t fight it. Just do your own thing and try not to take it personally when your phone doesn’t ring for a few days.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
You’re not the least emotional sign in the zodiac, but you are the least expressive of those emotions. That’s why you have trouble resolving the pity-party descending upon you this week. You’re likely to catch yourself whining and complaining about the most ridiculous things whenever you’re not paying attention and keeping your brattiest side strictly in check. Don’t hate yourself for this only slightly obnoxious behavior. Frankly, everyone has to vent sometimes. I think most people around you, instead of being annoyed that you’re bitching, will be relieved that you’re human, just like them.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
You can stop dangling your suffering and deep, philosophical misery as bait for unwise do-gooder prey. If catching the unwary in the steel jaws of your malign mental traps is your only agenda right now, you’ll be deeply disappointed this week, and hungry, too. It’s time to consider a new method of filling any potential gaps in your life. I can’t advise you on what will work best, but I can tell you this: self-destructive tendencies are at a yearlong low right now, so anything that banks on people doing what’s not good for them won’t be successful—but the opposite could work wonders.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
Last week I hung out with two other writers. We compared notes on our various works-in-progress, and commiserated about how challenging book-writing is. Then I thought of you, Pisces. Like me, too much of what you do happens in isolation. Even though it’s good work for you, it can be lonely or frustrating. This week, find some fellows suffering in the same boat as you and talk shop over a cold drink. I guarantee you’ll go back to work refreshed and more recharged than you have been in a long time.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Walking along minding your own business may not be enough to stay out of trouble this week. Determined passersby are likely to stick out legs to trip you or toss slippery banana peels underfoot. Now that I’ve warned you, you have a pretty good chance of avoiding a nasty spill. However, if it happens anyway, don’t make a big scene; that cloud’s likely to have a silver lining. I don’t want to give away the surprise, but I will say this: Sometimes you have to fall, just to see who comes along to help you get back up.
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