Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
You easily resolve conflicts of interest between head and loins, unlike those squirrelly Geminis or those oversexed Scorpios. You rarely deviate from your prearranged priority status dictating whether brain or crotch gets to call the shots, but I urge you to this week, since your best courses of action will lie opposite your standard procedures. If you’re used to putting rational thought ahead of your lustiest urges, let libido reign supreme for once. Or if you habitually let your seven-year itch govern, allow your most compelling mental arguments to actually convince you otherwise.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
A little goes a long way this week. Changing the knobs on an old dresser, or adding a stunning accessory to an otherwise mundane outfit can transform its whole look. You’ve been bored for a while; with your appearance, your attitude, your friends, your job, or your house—whatever it is, fix it up this week. Since the tiniest amount of time, effort, or cash can wreak huge changes and massive enhancements, there’s no good reason not to do it. So get off your lazy, overstuffed ass. By the time you sit down, an hour or two later, you’ll be tremendously glad you did.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Big changes are coming. In order to prepare for them, pretend you have a new roommate moving in. Clear out some space in the kitchen cabinets, a shelf in the fridge, and a handful of hangers in the hall closet. Literally do this. The exercise of making room, however slight, for another person, will have several benefits: First of all, you can earn karmic credit by getting rid of some old crap and donating it to goodwill. Secondly, your whole life will wind up more organized and streamlined. Lastly and most importantly, the process of making physical space in your house will help you find an extra room, or at least a niche, in your heart and soul for another person or two to move in, finally.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
Because you’re contending with your most compulsive urges (hey, relax; in this department half the zodiac is worse than you), I urge you to force yourself to focus on things that are good for you, like salads, long walks, reading, or gift-giving. Take them (instead of heroin abuse, binging on butter cookies, or one too many jack and cokes) to the extremes you’re prone to lately. While too much of a good thing can be bad, too, it’s still rarely as awful as too much of a bad thing. For example, compulsive generosity may make you broke, but probably really, really happy, too.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Imagine if you still had to trek to an outhouse to shit, even in the dead of winter, in a blizzard. That’s something like the task ahead of you; you may have to brave extremely harsh conditions you couldn’t possibly be used to, in order to accomplish a necessary task. That’s the crappy bad news, but hopefully the good news will help balance it out: Once you’ve bundled yourself in warm layers and hazarded the cruel extremes you’ve been dreading, you’ll find that someone has replaced your homely and modest outhouse with a stunning spa, featuring heated tiles, gold-plated commodes, and bevies of beautiful butt-wipers. In other words, prepare for the worst, but once you’ve endured the nastiest of it, things will probably be a lot better than you expected.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Wish fulfillment is one of your fortes—when it comes to your own. You’ve been manifesting your dreams expertly for ages—and astutely flying under the radar while doing it, obviating jealousy. It’s not that you’re especially selfish, just self-absorbed (which isn’t necessarily a bad thing; if more people took the time to understand themselves and clearly articulate their dreams, more of them would be living those dreams). However, don’t miss making a deposit in the Good Karma Bank when you get a chance to help someone else realize an ambition this week. One hint: The less beneficial fallout you stand to receive, the more good karma you get (in other words, buying your roommate a massive new TV doesn’t exactly count).
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
I hate to say it, but your happiness may depend on how well you can kiss ass this week. Consider your options: You can sacrifice a little pride, and pursue the admittedly political path and play nice; this route is short, sweet, and straight up to something you could call success. The other, perhaps more principled and definitely more ego-driven course is long and arduous, and not nearly a sure thing. I won’t choose for you. Each direction has positive and negative facets. All I will say is: If you’re undecided about which of these options is the better one for you, make up your mind now, because the fork in the road is just ahead.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
You may have survived grueling family gatherings and/or similar ordeals last year through the stealthy use of a hip flask full of whiskey, or some other artificial aid. Though that lesser evil helped prevent the arguably greater evil of drama or stress, self-medicating with alcohol or whatever other cheap-ass solution you chose isn’t good for the long-term. Don’t start 2014 with reliance on props, cheat-sheets, or external advantages. You have the resources to resolve these situations on your own. Relying too heavily on outside sources of “strength” will just make you soft and weak. This coming year, resolve to stretch and fortify your emotional resilience by doing the stressful family gathering sober, instead of, say, making yourself ultimately more fragile (while pickling your liver).
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
You’re in for a hyper-saturated week. This is what happens when you allow yourself to wake up and stop worrying for a while. Everything gets really colorful and vivid and intense, and you don’t even have to take drugs. Enjoy your Technicolor life, and quit, once and for all, letting anxiety dominate every second of your day. It’s still going to be part of you; but let this week be about staking out some worry-free territory. I’m talking specifically about laying claim to your happiness, and just enjoying it when it hits, rather than worrying about when it will go away. There are many reasons why this is a good idea but the best one is simply this: you deserve to be unreservedly happy. Stop stopping yourself.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Now that you’ve unburdened your little rowboat of all its heaviest and most irksome duties, you’re bobbing happily towards shore. You probably weren’t as close to sinking as you probably felt. I’m still glad you ditched some of the shit that’s dragging you down. Don’t bother with guilt—instead revel in how much better you feel now, as a result. Now that you actually have a little room to take on new passengers or cargo, may I suggest you avoid crap like the dross you dealt with last month, and only take on people and things that will be unequivocally fun?
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
There’s plenty of change jingling in your pocket, but your billfold is painfully slim these days. That is, you’re heavily laden with tiny, almost meaningless blessings, but the big ones are coming few and far between. It might be time to tighten your belt and take pleasure in the little things for the next month or so. But there’s no need to plunge into a Great Depression. You may not currently be lucky enough to find a $1,000 bill on the street, but I’m guessing that if you add up all the small change you’ve accumulated, it might equal at least a few hundred.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Hindus, like the ancient Greeks and Egyptians, among others, revere a vast pantheon of gods and goddesses, instead of relying on just one god to satisfy all their religious needs. I’d like you to apply that strategy to your love life. Instead of holding out for The One, some magical person who can fulfill every part of you, invent the possibility that different people are more suited to provide for your various desires. Instead of requiring that one person become your everything, modify that strategy. Let one person become most things, and allow a host of others to fill in the gaps.
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Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)