Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Lately you’ve felt as lacking in vocabulary as the family dog. You’ve tried your damnedest to communicate what you’ve been feeling, nonverbally, but it’s not coming across. Whenever you’ve attempted to actually speak, you’ve felt desperately at a loss for words. Quit panting and wagging your tail. No one’s getting it. Part of the problem, of course, is that you can’t articulate to yourself, clearly, what you’ve been craving. Don’t jump the gun and try to convey your vague and powerful longings to those around you until you’ve figured out precisely what they are. This week, do just that, so next week you can ask for, and get, exactly what you want, finally.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Go sledding, if possible, or skydiving, or snowboarding, or anything along those lines. Your tendency to plan everything is great, and has earned you a rep as an eminently capable person. But it’s good to remind yourself, periodically, of the joys of tumbling wildly out of control, even if only for a few minutes. It’s good to let that feeling sink into your body and influence the way you live your life the rest of the time. So go do it; don’t just nod and say, “He’s right, I ought to remember that.” Let the experience sink into your bones and then radiate outwards. You won’t lose your ability to plan efficiently or get shit done. But you are likely to loosen your grip a little, be less anxious, and have way, way more fun.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
You know, you’re allowed to bail. I mean that in both senses of the word—you’re hereby given astrological permission to flake on your commitments, and thereby bail out the boat of your life before it capsizes and sinks. I would never give this kind of sanction to those self-absorbed Cancers or those self-indulgent Leos—they’d both take it and run with it. But I know you won’t abuse it. The waters are splashing over the edges of your little craft. Don’t be a martyr. Save yourself. Ditch some time- and energy-sucking ballast, now.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
What a crazy crowd you run in! From your enthusiastic anecdotes, it sounds like on Tuesday your companions are nearly as shifty as a gang of armed back alley conspiratorial thugs, but by Thursday they’re as innocuous and charmed as the cast of an old school Disney cartoon. I’m exaggerating, but my point’s still valid. From here it’s obvious—either your cohorts are all amazing actors who lead fascinating double lives, of which you only get provocative glimpses, or they’re all quite normal, and it’s your own perception that’s fluctuating so wildly. Give those around you the benefit of the doubt this week. The distorting filters through which you’re viewing them are extra thick.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
People ought to be more laid back and forgiving. Unfortunately, they’re not. Go ahead and bail on a first date or job interview because you’re hung over at your own peril. You’ll be forgiven, but also forgotten—it’ll kill any chance of you ever getting together with that person, or landing that position. Back out on helping your friend move if you must, be don’t expect an invite to the housewarming party. In other words, make sure you take responsibility for your own shit this week, and do everything you’ve promised or arranged for, because second chances are in short supply.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
My phone’s been ringing all day, but I can’t be bothered to go find it, let alone answer it. I hear it ringing faintly somewhere, probably in yesterday’s pants pocket. You’d do well to imitate my antisocial behavior every once in a while. There is such a thing as being too connected. Since it’s virtually impossible for you to leave a ringing phone unanswered, I suggest you turn off the ringer frequently this week. Voicemail exists for many reasons; right now its primary purpose is to give you a much-needed break from having to answer (and cater) to others’ emotional requirements. Let it do its job while you do yours: take care of yourself.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
I read in a tabloid that two of a man’s multiple personalities married each other. Let’s immediately table analysis of that slightly ridiculous premise so we can get to why I mentioned it in the first place. No, you don’t have multiple personality syndrome. But you do possess facets that are so disparate that they almost seem like different people. Some of your internal battles are epic. However, two of your strongest drives, which have historically been in continual opposition, are now open to forging a stable new alliance, thanks to a new person or opportunity in your life. Wed them, already.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
It makes sense to prevent carpal tunnel by doing wrist exercises, and to keep your eyes healthy by allowing them to wander rather than fixate for hours on a single point (like your television or computer screen). It’s also good to let your heart uncurl in ways unfamiliar to it, and let your mind drift from the one or two topics it’s lately favored almost obsessively. So get up off your ass, emotionally. Stretch. Give your heart and head a good workout by lovin’ on all those folks that want it from you, but rarely get it. It’ll be good for you; not only is it likely to prevent injury a little further down the line, it may even give you a new raison d’etre.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
Leos are spenders. Whether it’s cash, political capital, or karmic currency, your tribe tends to exploit it lavishly, living like royalty (and helping your friends do the same; it’s no fun being decadent alone), until it’s all gone, at which point you’re also quite good at hunkering down and living frugally until the next windfall or paycheck comes your way. However, I ask that you curb your natural (and in many ways admirable) instincts this week, because by saving just a little bit of whatever comes your way, you’ll have much greater opportunities to spend it on far better things in the weeks to come, both for yourself and your chosen family.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Your phone may ring off the hook this week. Everyone wants an update on all your current projects. It may surprise and flatter you that so many people care so deeply about the things you’re working on (which often don’t even directly involve them). But don’t get sucked in. You were making really good time on your many missions, until you started having to give progress reports every twelve minutes. Make your voicemail message say, “I’ll call you when I’m finished,” focus on what you’re doing, and get shit done.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
An insane plethora of meaningless awards ceremonies abounds out there, celebrating numerous ridiculous non-achievements with unwarranted pomp and glee. So it galls you when anyone (including you) does something truly good and gets virtually no recognition, and, certainly, no trophy. It may be hard to tolerate all the hollow, hearty backslapping out there, in light of what you (and few others, apparently) can see. Still, I suggest you bite your tongue. You’re doing the good you do because it’s good, not for credit or congratulations. Besides, demanding recognition is only likely to make you (and your generous deeds) look miserly. Be patient. You’ll get the limelight you deserve—just not right away.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
We should put a bell around your astrological neck, like a cat. The way you’ve been sneaking up on people and surprising them at every turn—sometimes unpleasantly, like a tabby pouncing on a songbird—you deserve to have your presence subtly—or dramatically—announced, for a while. Don’t pout; it’s not all bad. You won’t miss out on any moments in the spotlight, purring naptime cuddles, or secret romances because of your tinkling soundtrack, and you’ll suffer far fewer slaps in the face, lawsuits, or suspicious looks. And when you finally get to take off the bell, everyone will be so used to it, your sneakiest antics will be more effective and surprising than ever.