Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Don’t leap too quickly to absolution this week. This applies both to your wrongdoings and your wrongdoers. A simple “I’m sorry” goes a long way, but it just doesn’t cut it right now. The reason: there are things that can be done to repair the damage done by the “sins” committed. Instead of just apologizing for the shit that went down, or accepting an apology, expect—both from yourself and others—that what was made wrong will be made right. It’s the only way to get to the place where being sorry really means anything again.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Mail a note to your future self: write the letter I’ll describe and entrust it to a responsible friend to hold onto and mail to you in exactly one year. In this dispatch you should describe, in great detail, covering every aspect of your existence, where you hope to be at this time next year. Forbid your friend to allow you to edit this letter at any time between now and when you receive it in the mail. You’ll find the expectations of your past self have a great power over the effectiveness of your future self, and you’ll wind up being far closer to your goals than you ever would’ve been otherwise.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Overshare. You simply can’t provide too much information. Such will be the shroud of mystery and obfuscation that surrounds you this week that you’ll have trouble piercing it, even with extreme candor and persistence. As romantic as that may seem, to play the enigmatic stranger for a week or two, it’s totally counterproductive to what you’re all about right now. Instead, rip the shroud of corny inscrutability to shreds by simply clueing people in, right from the start: you’re as dorky as they are, if not more so. It may not be glamorous, but you’re better off this way.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
What you’re hunting for now is simply a designer label. You already have, basically, the equivalent of the garment you’re pursuing; it’s equally stylish, comfortable and flattering. In fact, it could be argued that it’s actually a superior piece of quality clothing that fits you better and will last longer. But because it’s not labeled with exactly the name and logo you were looking for, you’re ready to donate it to charity. That’s a stupid move, especially considering you may never find, or be able to afford, the labeled attire you desire.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
Your empathy usually feels like more of a curse than a blessing. Your profound ability to identify with others generally means you experience their pain. However, it can be a source of strength: This week, find someone who’s in love, living their dream, healing from an illness, or awakening from a long emotional sleep. Live vicariously through them, validating their experience along the way. It may seem odd at first, but once you’ve done it, you’ll discover it’s a win-win for both of you. Also, consequently someone will be returning the favor for you when you experience one of these happy scenarios for yourself, very soon.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
“Bring me the eyes of the oracle,” you command, in a fit of pique. But what would you do if you got them? Sometimes it’s better not to know what’s coming. It’s almost always more fun, and satisfying. This week, consider this statement, which you probably already agree with: Not all progress is necessarily good—in other words, it shouldn’t be pursued merely because it’s possible. Similarly, not all potential applications you could put your considerable personal power to should be employed, especially not this one. In other words, let the future be a surprise, even if you don’t have to.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
You’re spicy ginger, sour lemon, and searing hot pepper this week—or you ought to be. Those flavors generally enhance and accent everything on the plate, without dominating it (unless they’re employed to excess). Emulate their energy, for what you have to contribute is indispensable, even critical—nothing would taste at all right without your particular flavor. But it’s important that you devote your essence to the situation without taking it over. So to sum up: You in moderation is absolutely vital to the success of whatever venture you’re involved in; without you, it simply can’t succeed. However, if you take it over, the whole thing could be ruined.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
For all your nervous energy, you also possess an impressive reservoir of patience. Unfortunately, it’s drought season, and you won’t have your usually limitless quantities of tolerance and serene endurance to draw upon. So don’t be too hard on yourself if you become snappish or testy under duress that wouldn’t normally make you break a sweat. You’ve got so much karmic cash stashed in your account that you ought to be forgiven twice over for each and every cantankerous comment you make this week. And you know what? Anyone who doesn’t give you the benefit of the doubt isn’t worthy of you anyway, so screw ‘em.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
You’re caught in a weird time loop, and you get the shit end of the stick either way. Let’s split the week in half so I can explain. During segment one everything will take twice as long and be twice as boring as it ought to. Basically, a total drag, but you’ll be missing it when segment two kicks in—when you’re consumed by a veritable hurricane of overwhelming activity. I wish you could mix the two—the devastating excitement of the latter with the tedium of the former—and so achieve a happy balance. But the only place you can do that is in your head, which is exactly what I suggest: retain the stillness—a virtual eye of the storm—for when the mayhem hits, and endure the dullness before by anticipating the imminent tumult.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
A number of years ago, a portion of your heart got completely paved over. We’re talking parking lot. The nuclear winters and drought-plagued summers that followed, however, didn’t just bake and freeze the ultra-flattened terrain into even more impregnable footing. Instead, they made it buckle and crack. Now, finally, a few hopeful sprouts, totally heedless of the inappropriate season, are pushing their leafy heads through those cracks. Of course, they’re so fragile, you could easily kill them, maybe slap another layer of concrete over everything and hold off rich growth for another few years. But if I were you, I’d nourish these tender babies. They’re what will feed you in a year’s time, if you’ll let them.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Virgos can, surprisingly, age quite gracefully. Here’s the secret, I think: By the time you arrive at an age where your body can no longer effortlessly bear the burden of your insane work- and play-load, you must be prepared to chill out, at last. If you do, you’ll find that your poor beleaguered bod will be so grateful to you for slowing down, finally, that it will simply forget to age at all. It may be tough to actually acknowledge, at that point, that you can’t maintain the breakneck speeds of your youth, but you do have this as your consolation: most Virgos accomplish more in their first 40 years than anyone else does in his whole damn life.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
Smartass. That’s a title you’re coming to deserve more and more lately, as you react to most of your life’s stresses with sarcastic good humor. It’s refreshing, because, to be honest, your unrelenting earnestness—as well-intentioned as it was—had begun to drive some of your friends a little insane. We’d all rather take a clever jab in the ribs for our foibles or faux pas than an overly-sincere scolding. Embrace the perversity and darkness of your unfolding sense of humor. It’s a good thing. However, be aware of one thing—once everyone’s got an inkling of how well you can dish it out, we’ll be expecting you to take it, too.
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Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)