Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
All your old hiding places are in imminent danger of discovery. It’s time to remove your lockbox, diary, or family jewels from their usual secret nooks and conceal them someplace new. You can thank me later for this timely warning, because now when your indictors whip open your closet doors hoping to triumphantly expose any lurking skeletons, they’ll find nothing but clean clothes and shoes. They’ll look like idiots, and you’ll be able to send those self-righteous assholes packing—and rest assured that they’ll never do anything that fucked up or hypocritical again, at least not to you.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
You’ve looted and pillaged more hearts, homes, and underwear than you probably should have, recently. Now you have more booty than you know what to do with. If you try to carry all your loot, you’ll inevitably lose every bit. Instead, strategically ditch some of it, so you can keep a tighter grip on what’s left. Unfortunately, the kinds of treasures you’ve filched won’t stay buried on a deserted isle until you’re ready to cash them in. They’ll dig themselves up and haunt you if you’re not careful. Instead, get them stolen by another pirate. Said buccaneer may be tricky to identify (he won’t be wearing an eye-patch or yelling “shiver me timbers”) but once you do, give him the opening he needs to take what you no longer want.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
You occasionally have trouble turning off the roar to expose the purr. It’s difficult to dial down the confidence level to reveal the tenderness and vulnerability that usually lurks beneath—however, that’s just what’s necessary this week. If you don’t, the people who are hoping for and craving the kind of cozy compassion you can exhibit will be scared off by your brassy nerve, and decide you’re all spark and no heat. Show those who desire it that there’s a place for them curled close to your heart, so they aren’t frightened by the long claws and giant ego between it and them.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Your greatest challenge these days is overcoming habits of distrust, fueled by false assertions like: “If I trust no one, I can’t be betrayed.” Don’t let the times you’ve been screwed over in the past unduly influence your present. A little caution is prudent; you don’t need to plunge heedlessly into situations that are way over your head, like you did when you were 19. But you really ought to do more than just dip your toes in. After all, you’re a better emotional swimmer now than you were then. Forget diving headlong without checking the depth. But get in the water, already.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Downplay your coolness. No one wants to be just another horse in your vast stable of conquered studs and/or fillies. You’ve seen and done so much (and so many people) that it’s hard for the new objects of your affection to feel worthy or at all comparable. Therefore, without lying (I know how you despise dishonesty), downplay your past adventures. There’s no need to parade all your crazy famous friends, world travels, or transcendental experiences on your third date. The person you’re wooing is already impressed with you; go much further right now and you’ll just scare them off.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
You’re not a puppet in someone else’s play; you’re a free-willed piece in someone else’s puzzle. Your current quandary: whenever you figure out where you fit into the big picture, and start to slide into place, you realize all the other pieces have shifted around you, so you have to either jam yourself in despite a suddenly imperfect fit, or begin reevaluating where you best belong now. Have faith. The higher forces screwing things up for you have your best interests in mind. They’re not letting you find an adequate niche right now because they don’t want you to get stuck inside a merely adequate situation when the perfect one awaits, a little further down the line.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
You’re Frogger this week. Your life is like that ancient video game. You’ll be dodging trucks, crocs, and watching your footing for weeks to come, lest your ego or spirit get squashed beneath somebody’s emotional 18-wheeler. Don’t get freaked, though. You may feel all squishy and exposed for the moment but at least you’re fast and wily, and come next week, you’ll develop a new sort of armor by mutating from cute, ordinary frog to hallucinogenic toad, with the power to make people trip their asses off, or lay them out for weeks.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Your identity is smack in between who you believe yourself to be, who you’re aiming to become, and what you do every day. I’m trying to convey a lesson in action and intention. In essence, you are what you do, and the longer you do it, the more you are it. Get it? So you can call yourself an artist, intend to be an artist, but if what you actually do is sell drugs, your ass, or your soul to make ends meet, you’re at least partially that other thing. The longer you continue in that supposedly provisional situation, the more it fits you. You don’t want to be a whore, drug dealer or temp slave forever, so make sure your temporary measures are truly that—temporary. Starting today, do something, every day, that fits who you really want to be, and not just who you currently have to be.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
You’re going to get caught Xeroxing your ass in the copy room this week, or your boyfriend or girlfriend will spot you cruising online for the threesome you haven’t told them about yet. As embarrassing and potentially repercussive as these situations might be, they’re almost as likely to be sexually and comedically fruitful, rather than damaging. It really could go either way, depending on how you play it. Wield humor, charm and your sense of lighthearted mischief to make things go your way. Denial, remorse, deceit or guilt is what will get you in trouble, so consider “No Shame” your mantra this week.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
You’re like a malign old-school jack-in-the-box, quietly lulling those around you, singing an innocuous tune, then springing at them with knives in hand, an evil grin emblazoned across your face. The first couple times, this is a thrilling surprise for people just getting to know you, who graciously label you “excitingly unpredictable.” Then it gets tired, and you earn the label “tragically unreliable,” or just plain obnoxious. Therefore, be careful who you jump out at this week. Your mischievous ambush could win you a kiss, free trip, or lifetime supply of free lovin’, or it could cost you your job, your relationship, or lifetime supply of free lovin’.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
How has your rigidity limited you, this past year? I can count at least eleven examples of situations where things weren’t “exactly right,” so you simply ignored them. How many great people have you denied yourself a connection with because of one disagreeable feature? How many opportunities have you missed? I’m not saying you should reject your instincts. Just loosen up a little. The next few months are rife with amazing opportunities and incredible people. However, none of them are going to precisely match your preconceived notions of how they should be. If you can’t transcend those limited conceptions, you’ll just plain miss out.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Your cellphone and laptop batteries have lost their charge. They won’t work for long before they need to be plugged back into the wall. You’re the same way; your ability to sustain a high output of energy is temporarily limited. That’s okay. As long as you’re aware of it, it won’t be too hard to simply make sure you give yourself frequent rest breaks and downtime to recharge. This phase won’t even last long enough for anyone else to notice. What they will notice, however, is if you don’t take time to revitalize yourself, and you fall flat on your face as a result. You’ll have a harder time living that down than making people overlook the fact that you took an extra coffee break every day this week.