Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
There’s heavy traffic ahead. You’re going to be stuck in a bumper-to-bumper jam for the foreseeable future. There’s no avoiding it; the standstill blocks the only available route to your destination. Sucks, doesn’t it? But it could be worse; at least you have this warning, so you can stock up on good music, refreshments, and best of all, a companion to keep you entertained while you’re trapped in the stop-and-go. You also have this scant consolation: Once you’ve cleared the gridlock you’ll have nothing but open highway for at least three weeks, and best of all—no speed limit.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Einstein once said, “You do not really understand something unless you can explain it to your grandmother.” That’s the kind of in-depth knowledge you’ll need to cultivate if you hope to make it through the week unscathed. You can’t be satisfied with simply scratching the surface; you’ve got to plumb deeply enough to know how things work from the inside out. This applies to everything in your life that you’re the least bit interested in, from the mechanics of your car engine to the inner workings of your lover’s soul. If you have any doubt about the thoroughness of your comprehension, ask yourself if you could make Grandma get it.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
You’ve had great chances to show off your kindness, generosity, and compassion recently. I’m quite impressed and, truth be told, a little turned on. You’ve made it quite clear that you’re willing to dig deep, and appreciate beauty that’s blemished, and complicated people, and messiness of all kinds. This week you’ll have many opportunities to blow us all away with even more unprecedented displays of messy emotion, like foolhardy passion, ridiculous munificence, and the bigheartedness and open arms of a lusty saint. Rise to these occasions, as you’re more than capable of, and you’ll not only make the Hero Worship lists of at least three new people, you’ll probably get laid, too.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
The mirror you’re looking at is more valuable than you think. Unlike conventional mirrors, this one shows you your own best potential. Believe in it. It tells no lies—only you could make it a liar, if you choose, by deliberately thwarting its beautiful vision. That’s what I’m worried about; there’s a tiny part of you that is just perverse enough to screw things up just to see what’d happen. Don’t do that, Capricorn. You’re fortunate enough to find someone who has faith in your greatness, latent or actual. Don’t break that mirror. It’s bad luck.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Love is tricky and strange—but how would you know? Okay, maybe your love life isn’t perfect, but surely you’ve noticed by now that you’re slightly luckier in love than those around you, if you look at the big picture. Be a yenta this week. Whether or not you’re currently romantically entangled, you’ve had an easier time acquiring those entanglements than most of the people you know—many of whom want them much more than you do. Help them out. Give your romantically-challenged friends a leg up, with advice, matchmaking, or just good old-fashioned pimping. Do it to repay the universe for the blessings you’ve received. You owe it one.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
In some ways, you’re as accommodating, tactful, and peace-loving as a Libra; more than anyone, you loathe getting bogged down in petty disagreements. That’s why it’s key this week that you be at your most diplomatic, obliging, and sweet, or risk being mired in niggling debates and needless drama over trivial disputes. These things don’t matter, but for some reason you’re the only one who thinks so. Eventually, these idiots will come to their senses and quit bugging you about this shit. They may even apologize for doing so. But for now, take the path of least resistance, even if it’s not your ideal route—it’s still better than the emotional traffic you’d find everywhere else.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
During your solo game of emotional musical chairs, timing is paramount. You never know when the music will stop, and what mood you’ll end up in. What might annoy you in one moment could tickle your funny bone in the next, or make you cry, or bore you. This is a good thing. Your role right now is to shake things up (especially yourself) and be a catalyst for change. You can’t do that if everyone’s got you all figured out, and can predict your next ten moves. Luckily, since even you don’t know how you’ll feel or what you’ll do in five minutes, guessing where you’ll be eleven days from now is impossible. And believe it or not, that limbo full of beautifully chaotic randomness, impulsiveness and limitless possibility is exactly where you need to be.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
The conflicts are piling up. These disturbing discrepancies aren’t caused by differences of opinion, politics, or real-life questions, like, “Who’s gonna get the girl?” They’re caused by timing. You’re trapped in your own version of a badly dubbed kung fu movie, where sound and picture just don’t line up. Working your ass off to make things work and interpret bad translations has helped you squeak by so far without any major mishaps or faux pas. However, the backlog of missed opportunities and slightly botched paperwork has become too cumbersome and messy. Put a few things on hold so you can address the deeper problem you’ve been putting off. If you don’t, you’re likely to suffer a regrettable (especially because it’s preventable) blunder this week that’ll have you kicking yourself for months.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
It’s a confusing time for Geminis, and changing from moment to moment. First you think you’ve got things figured out better than you have in years, and minutes later you decide you’re more lost than you’ve ever been. I don’t envy you, but at times like these you need to dig deep and step up. You can’t be lazy or take the easy way out, and sometimes that means you need the help of your friends. So take their advice when they give it to you. They have pure motives and an ideal perspective. Trust that they know what they’re talking about, would you? They do.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Forget the bullshit about idle hands being the devil’s workshop. I’m more worried about your idle mind, because within it lie the seeds of your own downfall. Left with too much time and energy to spare, your brain is all too capable of creating new and unpredictable forms of self-sabotage. In other words, keep busy this week, and everything will be just fine. Don’t give yourself time to stew and ponder and wonder. Those fruitless activities will just make you miserable, both internally, and externally, and ultimately screw things up, big time.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
Leos aren’t renowned for their subtlety. You can be tactful, and manipulative, but delicacy isn’t your forte. You generally prefer forthright honesty. Lately, this has felt like a great weakness, because people seem to want you to play games you’re either incapable of or just no good at. Luckily, there are a few who appreciate the unadorned truth. See, everyone lies, or hides parts of the truth or simply withholds the truth of what they feel because it’d make them too vulnerable to admit it. That’s what makes what you’re capable of all the more valuable. If you can be nakedly honest this week, you’ll be immortal, or at least as close as any of us can get—certainly no one you tell the truth to will ever be able to forget you.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
What amazing experiments will you get up to this week? You’re Dr. Frankenstein in his lab, about to channel a tremendous bolt of lightning for your own slightly nefarious purposes. Fortunately, the powerful and impressive creature you’re about to waken will be less confused than the doctor’s sad monster was. Once it’s conscious and walking around, you’ll be virtually unstoppable. Just make sure you use your newly awakened might to help others, as well as yourself, or the villagers may come after you and your creation with torches and pitchforks.