Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
You’ve probably noticed how vulnerable or receptive towards Geminis you are. There’s a surprising amount of reciprocity there, too. But did you know that you have the perfect Band-Aid for your favorite Gem’s Achilles’ heel? Luckily for you, they’ve got a similar remedy that will cure your own most tender wound. It might be the kind of thing where you can slap bandages on each other’s sore spots, wish each other well, and go on your merry way. But if you’re at all open to it, I recommend sticking around and seeing what happens next. I have a feeling it’ll be worth your while.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
Keep your nose clean, kid. I’m not talking actual boogers; Librans are famously well kempt. I’m referring to, instead, the slightly dirty affairs you’ve been thinking of getting mixed up with, in the name of profit or ego, things you just know, deep down in your gut, aren’t right—for you or anyone else with, like, morals. Don’t sell out, at least not in this way—you’d give up too much and get way too little. Besides, all ethics aside, the kind of public cleaning-up you’d suffer—something like when your Mom whipped a disgusting crumpled tissue out of her purse to blot your mortified six-year-old nose—just isn’t worth it.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
The secret to your popularity, such as it is: you tend to wield just the right amounts of in-the-sack filthiness, and take-home-to-Mom sweetness. It’s a rare combination, and it’s largely responsible for the disproportionate number of head-over-heels admirers you usually garner. Unfortunately, your balance is out of whack right now. You’ve temporarily shifted so far in one direction that you’re attracting all the wrong types: prudish pedants who wish they’d saved themselves for marriage (obviously so inappropriate for you) or malign sluts who can’t be bothered to remember your name (not quite as inapt, but still unsuitable, considering your current standards and circumstances). In general, fervently avoid new entanglements this week, and by all means, if anyone proposes marriage or even a no-strings lay, RUN AWAY.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Although you can realistically claim to have more energy than anyone you know, it’s important to know what kind of energy you have in abundance. It’s difficult to bridle your shifting flames and ride them marathon distances. Long hauls are much harder for you than short sprints, which, as everyone knows, you rock at. That’s not to say you can’t cover great expanses and even make good time doing it. You just have to take a different approach. What is a long haul, except dozens of short sprints? Break it down into manageable chunks. You may not win the race, but in this case winning isn’t important—what’s important is reaching the finish line.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
You’ve been so hungry for thrills lately that I don’t want to even mention the unspeakable places you’ve been sticking your vibrating cellphone. Unfortunately, you can’t just force excitement to happen. Trying to inject it into your life right now will only result in the psychic equivalent of a heroin addiction and ultimately prevent you from experiencing some of the more legit, healthy, and high-quality adventures coming your way soon. Luckily, although this week may contain none of the tumultuous and electrifying ups and downs you’ve been craving, it should provide enough gentle and engaging pleasures that you can keep from indulging in any more embarrassing perversions of modern technology.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Patience isn’t one of your best virtues, so you can understand all too well when those who are waiting on you start to get antsy and worried. They’re used to your usual instantaneous action. You’ve spoiled them, by creating a world in which things are almost easier done than said. Now, when what you’re working on simply can’t be finished faster than it is, no matter how efficient or dedicated you are, people are bound to get impatient. Don’t let them rush you, though. Despite their urgency, results really are more important than a record time. And since you rarely do anything half-assed, when they see how well you’ve done, they’ll quickly forget how long it took.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
It’s not like you to plan to wait until the last minute (it just happens), but that’s really what you ought to do right now. That’s because your current objective is more like a short sprint with hurdles than a long-distance marathon. There’s no point in exhausting yourself cramming in additional training now. Either you’ve got what it takes or you don’t, and squeezing in a few extra practice runs will only tire you out and make you less on your game, come the big event. Slack, even though it contradicts your current ambitions. Loaf as if your dreams and hopes depend on it. They do. When it’s time to get off your ass and fly, you’ll know.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Get down on the floor and play with the kids. It’s what you need, to sprawl surrounded by toys and the joyful egotism of a child, and just have fun. Forget the misery of your responsibilities for at least thirty minutes a day all week. If you don’t have a kid on hand to play with, pretend. Buy some Legos and build stuff or indulge in some good old-fashioned crayon art. Your inner child is lost in the big bad woods surrounded by the big bad wolves of your adult world. Find and befriend him or her once again, before s/he gets eaten alive.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
All your mineshafts are depleted. Accept it. You’ve been sending psychic miners down these familiar holes, day after day, and they’re returning empty-handed, or with dead canaries. Face it; you’ve unearthed every last diamond, vein of gold, or even chunk of coal from these exhausted dig sites. It’s time to seal them up well so you don’t lose any kids or puppies down their dark depths, and start exploring new ground. You may have to purchase some mental territory traditionally occupied by your neighbors, but it’s in your nature to annex new land. No need to be ashamed of it, especially considering the good uses you’ll be putting your newfound wealth to, once you figure out where to dig it up from.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
You’ve got a problem; it may not be especially big, but it’s taking up an awful lot of mind space. It’s like one of those painful zits that you just wish you could pop but it’s too deep to get to. Like a pimple, it’s probably better to just leave it alone, at least for now. It’s untouchable. Instead, concentrate on the things you can control, the mental equivalent of eating right and gently cleaning your face with good product. If you’re good about it, you’re predicament will, like a zit, probably just dissolve and disappear on its own.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
What you’re trying to do is akin to tearing the hairs off your own head, to weave them into a new shirt to wear. It’s shortsighted; you’ll end up bald with a collar and half a sleeve. Spare yourself the pain and just look beyond the tip of your own nose, darling. The outcome of your current venture is obvious to everyone but you. That’s not to say you should abandon it, necessarily—although that might really be the best option—but you ought to consider at least changing your methods, to ones that could actually work.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
You’re a dwarf with a battle-axe, at once comical and very, very scary. The problem—you’re not used to being laughed at unless you’re the one making the joke. Still, it’s all in good fun, and there’s no question about your effectiveness; your weapon, as usual, is razor sharp. Be big about the dichotomy you’re sporting right now. Recognize that beneath the chuckles—which you should, by all means, participate in, if possible—people are taking you very seriously. Then do what you’ve got to do, laughing all the way.