Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
You’re sweet, always there for people, constantly cheerful, good company. There’s little I can offer you in the way of advice, but if I had to come up with one thing: you’re too independent. You’re so self-sufficient that you don’t give those who long to get closer to you any openings to be there for you. I’m not saying you should go all soft and weak and needy. But you could move a half-step in that direction. Receptivity and vulnerability are this week’s keywords. Sometimes getting is more important than giving, and since many folks you know are all too eager to give to you, why not offer them the chance?
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
What you’re trying to do now is the equivalent of wearing vertical stripes to hide the ten pounds you’ve gained. It might work for a little while, in dim lighting, but it’s no long-term solution. You have a couple healthy ways to deal with this: Accept the new weight you’ve put on. It’s only ten pounds. Or work out like crazy and take it back off. It shouldn’t take more than a month or three, if you’re determined. It’s only ten pounds. But you have to acknowledge the difficulty, not ignore it or hide it. While your problem probably has nothing to do with your actual weight, you get the parallel I’m alluding to. Figure out what you’re going to do with this spiritual spare tire—now.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
You may have to sing for your supper this week, or your sex, or your promotion, or your role as center of attention, or all of these things. Luckily, you love being put on the spot, even while you profess to hating it, because it gives you a chance to shine. I’m warning you because you shouldn’t pass up any opportunity to prove yourself—you may not get a second. A moment of false modesty (“No, no, I simply couldn’t!”) will send the spotlight on to the next person who simply can and will, and you’ll have to do without getting dinner, laid, a raise, or popularity.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
You’re grilled cheese, you’re chocolate, you’re the goddamn Beatles. Whether they particularly like you or not, the people you encounter have to acknowledge your basic—and nearly universal—appeal. Those who don’t are fooling themselves, and aggravating me and your other fans. Still, those caffeine-free, lactose intolerant, rock and roll haters don’t matter much in the grand scheme of your life. There’s a time and a place to convert those straddling the fence to the Cult of You, but this isn’t it. For now, graciously please your loyal followers and politely ignore your detractors, no matter which group is more vocal.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
It’s a good week to meet new people, but not to get to know them. That’s a tricky distinction, especially because the first impression you’re generating right now is magnetically irresistible. Unfortunately, behind the surface of a friendly face-to-face, all your magnetic poles are misaligned—things are bound to get prickly and uncomfortable, because you’ll rub your new acquaintances the wrong way, and vice versa. It’s better to be glib, charming, and only hint at the depths you possess, instead of inviting your enchanted potential friends to plunge in. Save that for next week, when their rough edges won’t catch against yours.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
I have a friend whose family watches faith-healing televangelist shows as hilarious comedy. When the preacher jams his fingers into a terrified deaf child’s ears and screams: “Laud, take the devil aht! Make this chah-uld heah!” they roll on the floor and laugh. Can you blame them? It’s good shit and way better than most sitcoms. But it’s important to remember that one person’s comedy is another’s serious religion. Enjoy the hilarity that you see this week—but do so discreetly. You don’t need them siccing their god on your ass. No smitings this week, okay?
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
You’re a thick, epic novel. A glance at your cover, even a swift perusal of your first few chapters—these will reveal nothing of your true nature. The only way to know you is to read you, cover-to-cover, twice. Unfortunately, some of the people you’re dealing with have picture-book mentalities. They lack the fortitude or patience to plumb your depths. Don’t fill in the great wellspring of your soul just so they don’t have to do more than wade. Drop a bucket into your darkest, wettest waters, draw up some of that wisdom and experience, and just dump it over their sorry heads. At the very least, it’ll wake them up—and probably make them respect you, too.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Rams love jumping the gun. It’s so Aries to skip the four-year courtship your Cancer paramour might prefer and just pop the big question on your third date instead. It’s one of your best traits: you know what you want, and you rarely vacillate long before making a decision. It’s charming—but also selfish; it forces all involved to conform to your will. You might say, “Well, if they can’t deal with my style, they’re not the right person for me,” and perhaps that’s true. But you could also see it a different way: Maybe, just maybe, you might actually enjoy doing things their way more, if only you’d consider it an option. Then it’s a win-win.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
When someone tells you, “You’re such a loser,” you laugh. You know it’s a joke. That’s a healthy level of self-confidence, something I wish everyone possessed. But many other signs couldn’t hear that as the teasing humor it’s meant to be; they might take it to heart, and worry that it’s true. Your goal this week isn’t to censor yourself to be sure you don’t accidentally hurt anyone’s feelings with a barbed joke; it’s to uplift everyone you know—especially that someone who’s been feeling low lately—so they can take whatever you dish out, and then some. When the gibes start flying back with smiles, you’ll know you did your job.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
We both know you’re not as superficial as the stereotypes of your sign suggest. But your recent behavior makes you look like the hollow (wo)man, all surface and no substance. It’s not shallowness that made you say the things you did; it’s carelessness and inattention. Fortunately, these things are easily remedied, with a little frank realness and sincere consideration. But don’t wait long, because the legend of your social misstep is growing by the second, and spreading faster than a viral video. Don’t drag the rest of your tribe back down into the cliché from which you’ve so spectacularly emerged this past year. Fix your faux pas.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
I’m feeling particularly melancholic today. I thought I’d commiserate with the one sign who can most empathize with my experience, since you’re likely to share it this week. Admit it, though: there’s part of you that gets off on channeling this deep, abiding sadness. That’s fine; it’s rich, real, and better than feeling numb. But push through it, because melancholy begets itself. By being manifestly miserable you generate more reasons to be gloomy. Don’t suppress it—just accept it. Acknowledge that life is often sad, lonely, and constantly heart-breaking, and move on. There’s joy to be had, too, and lucky you—you’re alive enough to feel it.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
People may use unfamiliar words to describe you this week, like comforting, gentle, and safe. You’re not used to feeling like a homemade quilt, a puppy, or a cup of hot cocoa. These edge-less sources of warmth are generally quite different than the blaze you usually provide—which is fierce enough to burn as well as heat things up. But your scorch-factor is dialed quite low this week. Your barely-repressed desire to scald and scare has been subverted into a more passive wish to just be there for those who need you. This won’t last long—but ending it won’t be your doing. For now, let those who want it bask in your comfy warmth, because they’ll be demanding you crank things to more dangerous temperatures soon enough.
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