Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Partying is for other signs. The focus of your birthday month, unfortunately, is work, not fun. Tragically, the universe channels mostly tough love for you Virgos. Hey, don’t nag (or stab) the messenger; I’ll applaud you if you say, “Screw it,” take off for Cancun, and spend your savings on pina coladas. However, I doubt your ambitious goals will allow such a happy jaunt. They require a shitload of hard labor, and the cold fact is you’ll have an easier time accomplishing said labors while the Sun is coursing through your sign than during any other big block of time all year. Blow it off if you want. Woohoo! But if I were you I’d punctuate my toil with a glee-filled reckless night or two, but mostly concentrate on getting shit done, when it’ll take half as much time and effort as it would later.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
Tiptoe. The only way you’re going to get where you’re going right now is through guile and stealth. All the beasts and monsters guarding the prize have been nearly awakened by your recent clumsiness; they’re more alert and violent than ever before. Absolute silence and patience are all that will get you past those lightly sleeping dragons. Therefore, strip off the clanking armor you’ve been wearing and leave your arsenal of cumbersome weapons behind. They won’t do you much good in the labyrinth you’re entering; if the dragon awakens, you’re cooked.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Eudaemonia, in Aristotelian philosophy, is described as a state of happiness derived from a life of activity governed by reason. Let’s face it; you’re not the most logic-driven person. You’re not even a Vulcan-identified Trekkie. But try to (temporarily) replace the emotion-guided rudder that’s steering your ship with one powered by rational intelligence. Cool thought will serve you better for the foreseeable future than even your renowned intuition ever could. It may be difficult to make the switch, but for a week it won’t kill you to be guided by this rule: whenever they conflict, brain trumps gut.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Mail-order brides do not make good gifts. You know that now. I hope you’ve also learned to not shove any of your other quick-fix solutions onto anyone else, even if you’re still willing to occasionally attempt them for your own problems. Since virtually none of the quandaries you’re doomed to encounter this week can be solved with a one-step resolution, don’t waste your time trying—you’ll invariably complicate and intensify the situations that way. Forget shortcuts. Instead, consider the very real probability that these destinations can only be approached by the scenic route, and go that way.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Don’t wait until you’re backed to the wall. Right now you have choices, albeit difficult ones. As thorny as your current options seem, let me assure you that you don’t want to get to the point when you have none left. You’re loath to face the hungry tigers or stinking vats of shit behind Doors One and Two, but they’re not going anywhere. Door Three’s positioned just out of sight behind one (or perhaps both) of the doors in front of you, but you’ll never see the happier reality glimmering behind it until you wade through the crap and claws between here and there.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Dairy industry hardliners have a solution for those people who “claim” to be lactose-intolerant: drink more milk. Since you’ll be deluged with advice like that this week, learn to see through the motivations behind it, which have more to do with sinister ulterior motives than your own best interests. Your emotional allergies can’t be resolved by overloading them any more than a body can be taught how to break down milk sugars. Instead, find saner solutions that won’t have you cramped and shitting for hours. For instance, many people who can’t digest cow-milk based products can happily assimilate stuff crafted from goat’s milk (which is lower in lactose). Find your own enjoyable alternative.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
You’ve fallen prey, in the past, to a classic Piscean trap: Many of the buffers and safe zones you create for your own psychological safety ultimately result in trapping and suppressing you, instead of keeping the harshness of the world out. In other words, they’re more prisons than havens. Passively absorbing society’s programming has made you less wise or courageous about money, love, stability, and responsibility than you’d otherwise have been. It’s time to correct that. It may be harder to weed out all the shitty ideas and thorn walls that have taken root than it would have been to prevent them from being planted in the first place, but it must be done, nevertheless.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Integrative medicine, which utilizes a combination of Western medical techniques and a myriad of so-called “alternative” therapies, like acupuncture, homeopathy, and lifestyle changes, is fundamentally different than typical Western medical practice. It recognizes each individual as different, requiring unique treatments, and treats the doctor-patient relationship as a partnership, whereas traditional doctors treat symptoms, not patients, and consider themselves unassailable authorities and patients merely passive recipients of the drugs they prescribe. Being a natural healer (and yes, destroyer; they go hand in hand), you’ve long known that the same problem can and should be solved different ways by different people. Now recognize that your crisis won’t respond to traditional treatment. Come up with your own way to cure yourself. You can.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
It’s all about preventive medicine. You have the power to wield spiritual prophylactics more effective than condoms. I’d strongly advise that you do so. The alternative is almost certainly contracting an unpleasant malaise or ennui that would be tougher to shake than syphilis. I’d rather not see anything so dull cut into the fun you’re supposed to be having, so party safely, Taurus. Don’t rely on luck, morning-after pills, or the divine grace of your good karma. They simply can’t be counted on right now. In other words, stick to this rule of thumb: Before you stick your head or heart into anything this week, wrap it.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
The proof of (and validation for) your dependability has endowed you with more self-confidence than ever before. You’ve really got your shit together; so much so that you’re more open to adopting a new pet or conceiving a child than you’d previously been. There’s no question whether you can hack the added pressure and responsibility. You’re solid. But recognize that your ability to carry that burden is independent of your desire, which could very well change in a month, year, or decade. If you have any doubts at all about taking that on, get yourself a goldfish, not a golden retriever.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
The bucket of water completely dissolved the old witch like brown sugar, just as you’d been told. What you weren’t informed of, before you doused Her Wickedness with ice-cold water, is that you’d be asked to take over her job. Oops. You thought you were in charge of vanquishing, not replacing. There’s not much you can do about that now. Still, I can’t help thinking that things worked out for the best. Prove me right: You got rid of some form of incarnated evil in your life and were granted their role as your “reward.” Don’t just tackle the job; do it better, with no more than half as much iniquity, since you can.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
Quit your job. That’s right. Take a leap of faith. The damn thing isn’t fulfilling you, and the financial rewards aren’t worth what it’s costing your soul. Leos should be proud and free, not burdened with thousands of niggling obligations. The way to do right by yourself is to figure out a way to do what you really want, and live off it. Poor and emancipated is better than enslaved and rich; believe me, I know. It’s okay if you don’t quit today, or tomorrow. Leaps of faith can be planned; they can be smart. But eventually (and sooner is mostly better than later), you just have to jump.
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Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)