Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
This week is astrological no-man’s land. Imagine being led, blindfolded, onto a random amusement park ride by someone you only half-trust. One thing’s for certain: Whether it’s a massive rollercoaster, ready to whip you unpredictably in any direction, an exhaustingly tedious Ferris wheel ride, or the gruesome intensity of being pinned to a wall by centrifugal force while the floor drops out, you’re stuck on it for the duration. My advice: Remember that some people take rides just like these for fun. Since no one’s going to stop the ride halfway through so you can get off, smile and make the best of it.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Absence may make the heart grow fonder, but this week brokered distanced makes it fondest. Let me explain. Thanks to the constant preoccupation and agitation you’ve been wearing like accessories lately, your actual presence will mostly work against you this week. However, avoiding the spotlight doesn’t mean you need to be forgotten or uninvolved. A sexy letter or dirty voicemail message will go a long way towards whetting the appetites of those you miss the most. Then when you finally reemerge from your current busy, distracted state, your friends will welcome you with enthusiasm, not the annoyance they’d have suffered if you’d made them endure your ADD.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
Time machines are, according to modern physics at least, impossible. But, physics aside, you might as well have a DeLorean that enables you to revisit past mistakes and wipe the slate clean. Usually when you’re granted a second chance, it’s colored by the blunders you made the first time around. This week, however, you get another opportunity to do things right without being handicapped by memories of how you did them wrong before. One warning: If you miss this opportunity to correct old mistakes, you’re screwed. You don’t get a second chance at second chances; the universe is kind, but not that kind.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Treat the whore like a princess, and the princess like a whore. This rule of thumb, creatively applied (you won’t be encountering many actual imperial heiresses or prostitutes), could be used to address virtually every circumstance you’re likely to encounter this week. You’re infamous for your ability to pierce and act upon what you find in the heart’s hidden places. It takes balls to spit on royalty or see the veiled beauty in a bag lady. But that’s one thing every Scorpio (male or female) has got in spades: balls. Use them.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
TV lawyers lead amazing lives. They’re paid to be sexy, compelling, persuasive, and achieve their agendas with a minimum of paperwork or bureaucracy. Unfortunately, real life doesn’t usually confine itself to what serves a dramatic narrative. Actual lawyers spend the bulk of their time filing forms and doing research, with only the occasional excitement of arguing a case in court. Charm and eloquence alone won’t cut it this week, if you hope to get what you want. You’re not auditioning for the role of mover-and-shaker. You’re actually moving and shaking, and that involves, ironically, sitting down and doing all the nitty-gritty work. Don’t worry—even though the process may at times be tedious, the results won’t be.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Being buried alive was a popular (and occasionally justified) public paranoia during the 18th and 19th centuries. Some people considered the possibility so likely that they equipped their graves with bells they could ring from inside their coffins, to signal for rescue. While you won’t have to literally claw your way out of a casket this week, you may have to metaphorically, unless you take proper prophylactic steps. Your craving for freedom occasionally compels you to risk valuable pieces of your life, like treasured relationships, by disappearing or playing possum; inciting people to slap on an epitaph and leave you buried with all their past mistakes. Don’t let yourself be covered over and left for dead. Get a big, loud bell to ring. If things are alive and kicking, despite appearances, make sure everyone knows it.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Unless you want “I was just trying to help…” to be your mantra this week, don’t help anybody—at least not until you’re specifically asked. You’re (in)famous for your altruistic self-initiative, but you’re more likely to get in someone’s way than actually render aid this week. Don’t trip the old lady you’re trying to help across the street. Take a well-deserved break instead. Never fear, you’re still on the route to sainthood, if not martyrdom. You can go back to your habitual, well-intentioned assistance next week, when it’s not as likely to backfire and cause more trouble than it’s worth.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
Let the future be a complete surprise. This may seem like obvious advice, until you consider your incredible foresight, and how much you’ve come to rely on and trust it. Your ability to accurately forecast future events and probabilities has made you overconfident, and you consequently sacrifice being really present at times. Shake off the conviction that you know how events will play out. Things could really go either way. Unless you want to live in chagrined hindsight all week, forego trying to look ahead, and just pay attention to what’s happening now.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Rams have massive, sturdy, curled horns, ideal for knocking heads with predators and competitors. But that generally non-lethal formidability has led to some reckless behavior on your part. When you don’t like something, you’re usually quick to lower your head and shove it off the mountain, without much regard for the consequences. This week, however, a little more subtlety and foresight is required, as the universe temporarily straightens those metaphorical weapons, transforming them from perfect ramming tools to ones more apt to gore and pierce. As you’ll soon learn, an exponential increase in strength and effectiveness is best met with restraint and caution, not bloodlust. Embrace the irony, instead of resenting it: the more power you have, the less you get (or need) to use it.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
As much as you’d like the inscription to read, “This is for [you], without whose support and encouragement, I’d never have made it,” you can’t tell someone to write that when you provide them with backing and cheer. Please do support and encourage your personal heroes, but don’t obligate and compel them at the same time. Unless it’s explicitly spelled out, favors don’t come with automatic indebtedness. The stars require me to add the obvious, and risk your offense and wrath: Don’t just hand over your time and energy without mentioning the strings. Sever them completely, or keep your “help” to yourself.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
While other people, thrust into your state of duality, would be confounded, you’re actually pretty good at handling it. Usually you solve the problem of chronically split motivations with incredible multi-tasking skills—and everyone is impressed with how you capably manage an inhuman workload while downloading an ungodly amount of porn. But for the next couple of weeks at least, you’ll be able to forget 9/10 of your distractions and just concentrate on one great thing. Don’t perpetuate your slapdash, semi-crazed inclinations out of force of habit. You’ve got some serious focus right now; use it.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Emotional expressions come in many forms, and you have to learn to interpret and accept them as such. You’re gifted with an eloquence of self-expression to match your tidal emotions, but most people lack that skill, and are forced to couch their feelings in actions that require some interpretation, or even deciphering. That’s where your practically psychic intuition comes in. Use it to take up the slack that spans the gap between what they want to say and what you want to hear. Instead of demanding that an expression of love or anger or sadness comes in a familiar package, accept and understand it in whatever form it’s delivered, be it dirty joke, burnt breakfast, or expensive present.
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