Taurus (April 20-May 20)
You have astrological vigilante status this week. You’re outside some of the laws that usually apply to you, like those decreed by your sign or genetic code. Enjoy your freedom. Outlaw status means you can be irresponsible for once. It also means you can learn to sing in tune, dance the polka, or seduce a model, even if your croaky vocal cords, stubby legs, or looks don’t usually afford such luxuries. Once you’ve mastered skills or allowed yourself slack that you habitually consider out of your grasp, realize this: the aforementioned power to take the metaphysical or biological law into your hands is yours all the time. Screw anyone who tells you otherwise.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Sometimes the best way to get that annoyingly catchy jingle out of your head is to sing another tune. Of course, this can become an infuriatingly familiar circle, as each new song seems worse than the one before. The same thing happens when you try to replace one bad habit with another. Smoking becomes overeating becomes biting your nails raw becomes being a total bitch to everyone around you becomes smoking again. How do you end the vicious cycle? This week, you have the opportunity to interrupt the pattern with an actual, honest-to-god good habit that’s as addictive as nicotine. Pick it up.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Stop resisting. The force you’re trying to defy is like a storm whipped sideways by a powerful wind. The only tool you can use to stay dry is a tiny umbrella that threatens to blow inside out with every errant gust. Jabbing your flimsy canvas shield into the tempest is gallant but futile. Accept that you’re going to get wet. It’s just water. Soon you’ll get home, dry your hair, and change your clothes—so why struggle the whole way there? Sometimes life is about getting caught in the rain. It doesn’t get any realer than this. Fold up your umbrella, or let it blow away, and trust that you’ll make it to where you’re going before long. Until then, dance, sing, feel alive. If you don’t now, when will you?
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
At first, the poltergeist was fun. We played with it, watched it move the dining room furniture around. But when it started covering things in jelly and making noises from the TV set, we knew either it had to go, or we did. Initially your current problem seemed similarly unusual, fascinating, and amusing. But it quickly got out of control, didn’t it? I applaud your original efforts to tame it, but this force can’t be domesticated. This week, you’ll finally need to resort to more traditional solutions, like exorcising it completely, or fleeing from it. Which will it be?
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Imagine that you could intimately control the genetic makeup of your unborn baby, but only in very specific ways. If these were your only choices, would you elect to make him dumb and happy, or brilliant and tortured? How about strong and ugly or frail and beautiful? Would you be willing to select any of these relatively unappealing extremes? Or would you rather let fate decide, knowing that your kid will probably end up possessing mostly average intelligence, looks, strength, and hardiness? And regardless of what you chose, would your child later thank or curse you for making that decision? Only you can guess at the answer to these questions. Since the choices you face this week are of the same radical nature, and carry similar, far-reaching consequences, I wish you luck.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
The tactics you’re considering are as extreme as pouring bleach into an open wound just to disinfect it. Overkill, much? The situation you’re trying to address is too delicate for such a radical assault. It requires finesse, not firepower. Besides, you don’t want to undo all the hard work you’ve done up until now by blasting it all away, do you? So remove the riot gear, engage the safety on your flamethrower, and light the candles for your romantic dinner for two with a match instead. Your honey will be much more receptive to what you have to say if you’re not wearing armor of any kind, and the table’s not on fire.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Before you is a giant block of ice. Your task: express yourself by carving it into a beautiful sculpture. As you regard the pristine clarity of the transparent, six-foot cube, you may grip your chisels in daunted despair, but don’t be too intimidated. Sometimes, you just have to dig in, and trust that any mistakes you make will later be viewed as happy accidents that contributed to the overall brilliance of your masterpiece. If you’re having trouble getting started, remember this: it’s really no big deal if you screw up—the whole thing will be a big puddle in a couple days, anyway.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Since Howard Gardner popularized the theory of multiple intelligences with his 1983 book, Frames of Mind, many educators and parents have embraced the view that smart comes in many flavors, like musical/rhythmic, bodily/kinesthetic, visual/spatial, interpersonal, intrapersonal, naturalist, and existential, as well as the logical/mathematical and verbal/linguistic ones favored in more traditional schools. Since the brilliant key to understanding this week’s events lies in categories that don’t usually command your attention, I implore you: think outside the box if you can, or at least make the box big enough to include everyone.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Patience. Right now you’re like a spider. Having painstakingly woven your web, there’s nothing left to do but loiter discreetly and wait. Some arachnids go months without eating. Luckily, you won’t have to languish quite so long before you encounter some succulent “prey.” But don’t screw up your beautiful trap with restless squirming or tweaking. Close six of your eight eyes and dream. There’s nothing else you can do, except fondly remember sucking the juices of your last catch, devouring your past mates, or whatever it is you Capricorns do. Enjoy these reflective moments. By this time next month, you’ll be so busy wrapping silk around new experiences that you won’t have time to wax nostalgic for ages.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Aren’t you the comedian? Well, you should be. In the past, taking the earnest approach to situations like the one you face this week has—despite its sincerity—mostly turned things to shit. There are ways to be real without getting all heavy and making everything a process. Humor may be more conducive to clearing things up (instead of intensifying them) than excessive seriousness. Try sarcasm or knock-knock jokes—hell, even a pun—instead of tearful confessions or heart-to-hearts. Before you dismiss this tactic as rude, in view of the subject matter, consider this: A gentle, teasing hint is kinder than a whack over the head.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
For what ails you, I prescribe any or all of the following remedies: slow dance with someone you love; temporarily (or permanently) eradicate unnecessary distractions, like your computer or television; take a break from your usual sources of altered consciousness, be they beer, bong, or blowjobs; make something beautiful, functional, or both, every day. If you’re one of the foresighted, wise Fish who pioneered these solutions to the Piscean condition, you probably have trouble remembering the malaise that motivated you to try something new in the first place. Here’s hoping you’re never forced to recall it—and you won’t be, as long as you don’t abandon the practice(s) that cured you.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
This is something of a big-fish-in-a-little-pond scenario. All the attention you’re getting is predicated on your dominance of a relatively small pool. This doesn’t mean you’re not great—you might even be the best. But you’ll never know unless you wriggle your way into a larger venue. You’ve resisted this long because you’re daunted, reasonably: the stakes are much higher there (It’s easier to fail, but success yields greater rewards). I don’t blame you for waiting if you’re not quite ready to explore the dark depths of a new place. But if you’d like to go there anytime in the next four months, this week is your best shot.