Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Elitism may be your downfall. Your unwillingness to stand beside the unwashed masses makes you an easy target. While your mild snobbery is probably perfectly justified, it’s dangerous. There’s a difference between carefully choosing friends, and passing judgment based on some preconceived frivolity, like appearance or heritage. Your current project, by its very nature, requires a dream team pulled from all walks of life and as many flavors of experience as possible. Put aside—at least temporarily—whatever minor prejudices you still possess, or risk failure. You can go back to your tried and true standards of quality later—if you still want to.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Lately your life has been so pest-ridden that you’ve taken to stalking around with flyswatter in hand and a murderous gleam in your eyes. Where did all these bugs come from anyway, damn it? My theory is that you overcompensated for some past bitchiness and got so sweet that these phenomenally annoying parasites swarmed to you in droves. However, don’t let your inner pendulum swing back towards being pissy and mean just to scare them off. Get a bigger swatter and wear sticky strips as earrings if you must, but keep the honey flowing, not the vinegar. You’ll be glad to have a chance to wield that sugary magnetism when next week, some beautiful beasts you actually want around you come out to play.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Take out your mental garbage, already. Clouds of flies buzz persistently over the kitchen of your mind, where you cook up new ideas. It’s starting to reek so bad in there that Creativity and Inspiration have gone into hiding. The trash chute (or whatever method you usually use to get rid of this crap) is clogged, so it’s going to take a little more work than usual to get your psychological rubbish to the curb for weekly pick-up. Nevertheless, get your ass in gear, curb your gag reflex and stop retching long enough to do whatever it takes—even hauling dripping bags of filth down ten flights of steps—to clear your head.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
Geckos stick to things thanks to millions of microscopic hairs on the soles of their feet that take advantage of weak intermolecular attractions called van der Waals forces. Individually, each hair has a sticking power so incredibly slight it would be virtually immeasurable, but cumulatively they enable the little amphibians to zip across the ceiling with ease. You’ve got innumerable equivalents to van der Waals forces at work in your life. Instead of dismissing each one as too feeble to have any real influence on your existence, consider that collectively they could help you transcend gravity, and if you let them, they will.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
In order to succeed this week, you must temporarily abandon your usual forthrightness in favor of more devious methodologies. Think squid, or skunk. The heretofore rarely-used skill you require is the sneaky getaway. Squirt a cloud of ink and disappear, or blast your nemesis with noxious mist and waddle your ass out of there. Of course, like both squid and skunk, give your pursuers plenty of warning before you make your escape, so they have the option of backing off before you’re pushed to such extremes. Just don’t let them catch you because you’re unwilling to be as devious as you need to be.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
Caution and fear are quite different. The former is thoughtfulness that enables you to avoid or reduce very real risks associated with a course of action. Fear is less rational than that, often related to dangers that are completely imaginary. Making the distinction between the two is your most important task this week. While it’s wise to be careful about the choices you make, decisions based on irrational apprehension could handicap you for months to come. None of us want to see that; you’re much more fun when you’re working near the top of your full potential, not lurking in the safe zone a couple miles below that.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Mama Bird’s pushing you out of the nest, again. She’s confused: If you’re so unready to fly, how did you get back here in the first place? You try to point out how fragile and underdeveloped your fledgling wings are, but she’s got a point: they’ll never get stronger loafing around the nest eating regurgitated worms. Spare your nervous, overworked nurturer this burden on top of all the others she’s already shouldering. Before she has a chance to get all flustered experiencing an inner battle between guilt and necessity, hop to the edge of the nest, reaffirm your faith (bolstered by several successful trial runs), and leap.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Make sure you’re limbered up before you attempt any feats that could result in injury or disaster if not properly executed. Getting ready for your newest goals isn’t as easy as touching your toes and doing neck rolls. Mental flexibility is both more necessary and harder to acquire than physical suppleness. Before you leap into action, give your wits a stretch: Make clever prank phone calls, guess the astrological signs of your favorite sitcom characters, or recite the opening lines from a literary classic, backwards (“Times of worst the was it, times of best the was it…”), until your brain is as bendy and playful as it needs to be.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Tough love is sometimes the answer. I dreamt you were a therapist who advocated spanking her clients. You’d choose butt-slapping implements based on their specific problems, from pineapples to teddy bears (hey, it made sense in the dream). Your ability to accurately choose a curative tool was astonishing, guaranteeing a nearly 100 percent success rate. Since your usual rehabilitation techniques won’t pack their usual clout this week, you might want to consider some alternative remedies. Sometimes people need compassion, coddling, and real practical help. But sometimes they just need to be bent over your knee, slapped around a little, and told to get over it.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
It takes 30-40 gallons of average maple sap to boil down to one gallon of delicious syrup. That ratio seem familiar? You’ve been working your ass off for results that may not look like much to the casual observer. But when you finally get to taste the concentrated sweetness of your cumulative labors, it will all seem worthwhile. Ignore the naysayers who dismiss you for toiling for too little. They don’t know what the hell they’re talking about. There are plenty of people who believe what you’re up to is worthwhile. Reward them for their faith with a taste before you pour the rest all over your pancakes.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
The cat sips from the tap, too prissy to lap lukewarm water from a bowl. The dog, on the other hand, is content to drink from a dirty brown puddle. Being a Pisces, you can appreciate both attitudes. While some fastidiousness is reasonable, it can also be fun to hang with someone who’s as laid back as a toilet-drinking canine. Since the people you spend time with this week will have an intensified effect on your overall attitude, make sure you choose those that’ll tug you in the right direction: Feeling too anal? The neighbor chick with hairy armpits and some really good pot could fix you right up. Or is slobbiness consuming your life? Date a Virgo. They’ll soon have you going to the gym, cleaning up, and eating right—on a schedule, no less.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Why wait for a suitable co-conspirator? The females of some species have mastered parthenogenesis: the ability to lay fertilized eggs without a male. Some whiptail lizard populations in the southwestern United States are entirely female. For untold generations, they’ve produced identical offspring, perfect clones of themselves. The absence of genetic diversity does make these groups uniquely vulnerable to change. However, just to get you through this dry spell, temporarily adopting the virgin birth strategy—at least in terms of creation, if not procreation—is better than not generating any ideas at all. What’re you waiting for? Start popping out Mini-Mes, already.