Taurus (April 20-May 20)
In Greek myth Jason vanquished a dragon whose teeth, sown in earth, sprouted into thousands of armed warriors. He was ready to fight them all and surely be defeated, despite his prodigious swordsmanship, until his wily girlfriend, Medea, suggested something more realistic: Turn the unassailable might of that army against itself. Jason threw a rock amid the slow-witted troops, prompting them to destroy each other. Adopt a similar strategy. You’re preparing to take on foes (both tangible and abstract) that’d crush a frailer soul than yours. You might be able to slog through your adversaries, but instead, sow foment amongst your antagonists and save your strength for something you excel at: the triumphant race to the finish line.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
There’ll be no better time this year to have your mouth wired shut. If you don’t somehow get it sealed, you’ll probably end up putting your foot in it before long, probably so forcefully that you’ll ultimately need to go under the knife anyway. Other possible solutions: Spend the week scuba diving, communicating via signed gestures. Take a vow of silence and correspond via hand-written notes. Go to a rock show and don’t stop screaming until your voice promises to vanish for an entire week. Whatever you do, shut your trap, baby. It’s for your own good.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Unfortunately, Cancers have developed a reputation for meddling. They’ve been known, on many an occasion, to stick their noses into affairs that don’t concern them. This isn’t entirely unwarranted: one of your most publicized talents is the ability to solve others’ problems, even when yours leave you floundering. The problem lies, I believe, in determining which quandaries merit intervention and which should be left well enough alone, a knack many Cancers have yet to develop. Luckily, I’m here to help: This week’s probs could benefit from a motivating or pruning pinch from a discriminating Crab.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
You respect strength. A forcefully expressed opinion wins points from you, whether or not you agree with its message. Unfortunately, truly thoughtful insights can rarely be boiled down to slogans and catchphrases, because, instead of basing themselves on knee-jerk emotional reaction, faith, or purposeful ignorance, they take into account all the different facets of a given situation. Since the predicament you’re embroiled in is as complicated as it gets, I’d suggest listening carefully to the rounded perspectives presented by your smartest friends. As satisfying as it may be to fall behind an opinion that can be summed up in half a sentence, get all the facts before you embarrass yourself by doing so.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Although I’d still argue that you’re the most resourceful of signs, able to respond to a myriad of unforeseeable situations with remarkable grace, this week I’m here to give you points for preparedness. Given the assignment to pack a small backpack with everything you might need for an epic journey around the world, you’d return in forty minutes with sensible shoes and room in your sack for a good paperback. Still, there are some things that you can’t possibly prepare for thoroughly, like the birth of a baby. Only if you forget that basic truth will you be flustered by this week’s events.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
I apologize for forgetting the Libran constitution. Once again, I underestimated your powerful ability to let go of things; for some of you, it’s what you do best. Hence my recent suggestions that you disregard the handful of unattainables that vex you actually had the opposite of its intended effect. You’d already had the wisdom and grace to release any clingy thoughts that might have held you back. My proposed strategy only served to remind you of that one exasperating thing. So, I’m sorry. I promise not to tinker with your cerebral mechanics without good reason. And thank you for your wise rejoinder, which I’ve taken to heart: If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
The deep-sea anglerfish has evolved to address the challenge of finding a mate in the lightless depths where it makes its home. Only the (much larger) female is equipped to hunt (flashing her bioluminescent lure to attract prey). The tiny male, once he finds her, simply attaches himself with his specialized mouth (which is useless for feeding any other way) and is nourished directly through her bloodstream. He’s set for life, and she’s provided with a constant fresh supply of sperm whenever she needs it. Couldn’t something similar work for you? Although you may not currently need what’s being offered, you can certainly anticipate requiring it. At least consider the possibility that reeling in this fish now and keeping it around may be simpler than finding it again when you’re ready for it.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Although you’re riveted by the surprising performance of your dear friend, you shouldn’t forget the part you have to play in that show. Whether it’s curtain-pulling or back-up singing, you’d be disappointing too many people if you let your open-mouthed amazement make you miss your cue. Your role, albeit a supporting one, is just as vital to your friend’s success as the pieces she’s been practicing for ages. Shelve your amazement or jealousy until after you’ve done your duty. Besides the simple decency of supporting your companions’ dream fulfillments, there’s another compelling reason to come through: Your time to shine is coming up, and you’ll need friends to do the same for you.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
“Can’t you just give Caps a good horoscope for once?” pleaded one beleaguered Goat. I tried to point out that I always attempt to deliver a positive spin on things; it’s you that make it hard on yourselves. Believe me, I’d gladly join the legions who’d like to make your burden lighter, if only you’d let them. The truth is, if I wrote anything remotely along the lines of, “Your week will be filled with found treasure, butterflies, rainbows, and true love,” you’d never believe it—even if it was true. Let’s try, anyway: This week, the only things you have to dread are the ones you create.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
You trust your senses, but are notoriously skeptical of what lies beyond them, especially the supernatural. Try not to be so close-minded. There are many senses that humans lack: bats and elephants, for instance, can hear and make sounds that are hardly more than theories to us; insects can see well into the ultraviolet spectrum, and some sea creatures use purely electrical senses to locate their hidden prey. Remember: Just because you don’t see something doesn’t mean it’s not there, and just because you do see something doesn’t mean it is.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
When you consider the enterprise ahead of you in its entirety, you’re exhausted to your core. No one can successfully tackle colossally ambitious undertakings like the one(s) you’re contemplating all at once. The Great American Novel isn’t written in an afternoon, nor is Rome built in a day. Instead, you take them one small part at a time. Break it down, baby, before you break down. What you want to do isn’t one big thing: it’s thousands of little ones. Finish the one you have on hand before picking up the next task, and never look more than two chapters ahead.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
I’m lucky enough to be able to occasionally spend whole days mostly without shoes—not even flip-flops—on my feet. Having as much of my body exposed to sunshine and wind, and feeling tangible contact with the ground—especially when it’s warm sand or chilly ocean tides—is an important part of feeling contentment, for me. It brings my mind to you Rams, who could benefit from some concrete sensations of connection with community, geography, and the natural forces you treasure (but occasionally forget). This week, go barefoot (or, hell, naked) whenever and wherever you can.