Aries (March 21-April 19)
Lately you’ve been feeling like a wild animal in a modern zoo. Effort has been made to simulate your natural habitat, but still you keep running into the electrified fencing and wondering how limited your world really is. Meanwhile, people keep riding through your life on a monorail, snapping pictures and throwing junk food at you and your friends. Don’t settle for mediocre happiness because you’ve got it better than the gorillas who are still living in cages. It’s true; this level of freedom is better than what you used to have. But when the monorail hurtles off its track and knocks down the fences holding you in, run like hell. The beautiful, real jungle awaits.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
When I was a kid at summer camp, they had a snake pit, which fascinated and repelled me. The most intrepid campers captured serpents to inhabit the concrete hole; the rest of us caught frogs to feed them. I watched in horror as one hapless amphibian had the misfortune of being consumed by two snakes at once—one started on each end until they met nose to nose with half a frog down each their throats. This incredibly symbolic dilemma reminds me of your situation. Like the snakes (who needed to eat) you were just fulfilling one of your needs. But now you’re in a face-to-face stalemate with your competition. Since your opponent’s not likely to back off any time soon, I suggest you do so; it’s the only route to freedom.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
These grapes are beyond sour. They’re bile-bitter. Admit it; you sorely resent having to give up that piece of forbidden fruit that came so temptingly close to being in your grasp. But come on; it’s nobody’s fault but your own. The sooner you admit that it was your self-imposed limitations that kept you from enjoying the deliciousness that awaited you, the sooner you’ll get your second chance at it. Come on, baby. You know you still want it. Stop convincing yourself that you can’t climb the tree it’s growing in and go get it.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Damn, you have been trying on some really different hats lately. I love how you’re entertaining some personally revolutionary ideas and trying to figure out how to incorporate them into your life. This week, you’ll have a chance to make room for one of your most out-there dreams, your most revolutionary work ethic, or an attitude about love (or maybe just sex) that seemed like a mere fringe fantasy before. I can’t wait to see what happens. I’m hoping you’ll rise to the occasion: Show us that you can not only don the title “Consciousness Rebel,” but wear it like a rock star.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
I thought she was a Leo: Her leopard-print dress; her long, golden mane; the way she imperiously shoved her way through a crowd, toting a somehow glamorous luggage-sized purse and shopping bags while deftly clutching a cigarette between delicately outstretched, ring-laden fingers. All these things pointed to her Sun-ruled nature. I was convinced, in fact, until she rebuffed a stranger’s compliment (“I just wanted to tell you how much I love your fabulous coat.”) with a very cold, “So?” I cite her lameness to remind you what you can and can’t get away with: Go ahead and be the king or queen of your little world; but don’t forget the warmth and generosity (as well as the sweet susceptibility to sincere flattery) that make your rank superiority adorable instead of intolerable.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Not that you should go around lifting manhole covers or sneaking into people’s basements, but a lot of what you’re looking for is underground these days, at least figuratively. Your craving for the intense and the real is at high tide again, and the things that will best satisfy it are all well off the beaten path, especially your beaten path. They exist in places you’d never think to look. Never fear: The universe is erecting some well-placed signs to clue you in to where the best locations to embark on educative and entertaining detours might be. Heed them.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
It’s just a stab in the dark. But, lo and behold, it actually struck something solid. You’ve been thrusting blindly into the unknown, trying out new things, hoping to figure out who or what the next chapter will be mostly about. Your latest jab hit. This week, figure out what this new inclination essentially is. Your goal: By this time next week, you ought to know exactly how the subject of your newest chapter will fit cleanly into your life, or get stuck rereading the chapter you just finished for at least one more month.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Whether it’s working behind-the-scenes on a porno, writing a novel, or constructing a skyscraper, getting a taste of all the work that goes into the things you usually take for granted can only heighten your appreciation of them. This week, indulge your evolving and expanding need to not just do, but make. Besides the obvious benefits of the act of creation, you’ll reap an almost equally important secondary boon: relearning how to acknowledge and understand the great efforts your undervalued companions go to for you. You’ll be a surprised at how far a newly sincere “thank you” gets you.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
I’d love to bury you up to your knees, just to keep you still. Sometimes the best way to catch something is to stop chasing it. Plant yourself. Choose a lovely spot with lots of sunshine and good cellphone reception. Then watch while everything vital practically takes care of itself, important people make thrilled pilgrimages to you, and all you need is provided, on location—wherever you are. As you watch your mountain of desire magically melt down to molehill size from the power of sunlight and the occasional phone call, you’ll wonder why in hell you’ve spent so much of the last few months trying to climb the damn thing.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Don’t be alarmed by your loss of vision. Although the kaleidoscope of fascinating colors and venues you’re used to has dropped out of sight, it’s been replaced by some very directed tunnel vision. Take advantage of this extreme focus. Make a beeline for one of those long-term goals that usually gets a backburner position in favor of the wild distractions of your daily life. You’re bound to get at least halfway to it, maybe further. Be single-minded for once, and don’t worry: When you switch your mental camera from zoom to wide-angle again, the delicious pandemonium of your “normal” life will still be there.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Van Gogh sacrificed an ear for love, right? Of course, instead of severing yours and sending it to your sweetheart as a sign of your devotion, you’ll be surrendering it by cutting off all blood flow with the earpiece of your phone. Of course, those marathon long-distance calls to demonstrate your unflagging ardor wouldn’t be necessary if you just made some actual room in your life for your sweetheart to move into. It may still be too soon for that; only you can know for sure. But until you do, be prepared to give up not only an ear, but probably an arm and a leg, too.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
For well over a thousand years, oracles sat at Delphi and channeled the wisdom of the gods to give advice to rulers, philosophers and ordinary people; deliver orders; and issue prophecies. The ancient Greeks attributed the oracle’s trancelike—often impassioned—state to vapors that rose from the temple floor. Modern science dismissed that explanation until recently, when a team of scientists produced substantial evidence that crisscrossing fault lines beneath the temple probably produced ethylene, a gas that can cause altered mental states. Euphoric substances or no, your oracular powers are peaking. And while presidents and royalty might not care what you have to say while you’re channeling the bad shit, nearly everyone else will.