Aries (March 21-April 19)
Last night’s dream continued my recent subconscious theme of interacting with ancient gods. In it, I lived in the Reformatory for Naughty Mortals. Thor, as a punishment for screwing around with sexy humans, had been assigned to guard us, and was forced to wear a gruesome-looking chastity device. Sound familiar? I deleted my earlier metaphor for you (something about a leashed dog with a bowl of food just out of reach) in favor of this one, because your current power levels are much more godly than canine. In other words, try not to focus on the one thing you can’t have—the rest of the world is at your fingertips.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Although you’re not going to like it, I have an obligation to reveal your latest (thankfully temporary) superpower: the ability to attract what you despise. The people who provoke you the most will be irresistibly drawn to your side. Don’t get aggravated when your most reliable pest-repellant tactics—ranging from biting sarcasm, blatant rudeness, and underhanded friendliness—miss their marks. In fact, the more you want them to go, the more likely they’ll be magnetized to you. There’s one way to circumvent this unfortunate influence: let go of the negative emotions that are its power source.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
While positive reinforcement is certainly one way to encourage desired behavior, be it in pets, children, or spouses, it’s not always the most effective. This well-intentioned technique often misses the mark, based as it is on the oft-mistaken assumption that your “trainee” is eager to please you before himself. You may not like having to determine and maintain boundaries, but, considering your goals, it’s necessary. Try to overcome this idea you’ve been nurturing—that optimistic dream-creation requires unrelenting positivism. Sometimes, the kindest, most affirmative thing you can do is be clear: and that at least occasionally involves saying no.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Shifting between circumstances requires adjustment. I call the process of settling into your new, altered version of reality “landing.” Sometimes, like visiting a different time zone for two days, it’s not worth the bother. But you’ve been avoiding situations that require that kind of internal recalibration for far too long. I sympathize, but since you’re being inexorably pushed closer to making an unavoidable, irreversible leap, I suggest that you get accustomed to the sun rising and setting at totally different times. There are so many paths you could take right now. Choose wisely: the destination that most closely resembles your deepest and most secret fantasies, no matter how “unrealistic,” is the one you should take.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
Let go of the outcome. It’s so easy for you opinionated Lions to see where you want things to go. Because you’re powerful, capable people, it’s also simple to try to manipulate the situation to turn into exactly the scenario you envisioned. There is a time and place to use this potent capability—and also situations that will only be poisoned by it. This week, telling the difference is vital to your happiness, as is being able to do or say what’s true instead of what you think will yield the outcome you want. While there’s no guarantee, this is really the only path to what you desire. Forcing things to go your way will only produce very temporary results. Letting go of the outcome means it could go any which way—but if it goes the way you’d hoped, you’ll know it’s real, and likely to last—which is really what you want, right?
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
This week should have you feeling safer and more content than a cat curled in a patch of sunlight. Enjoy the comfort; however, don’t let that pleasant lassitude take over your life. Sometimes, it’s better to tackle distasteful tasks when you’re happy than when you’re crappy. Although it’s tempting to use your good mood as an excuse (“I don’t want to spoil it”), don’t. That reasoning is easier to overcome than the more valid justifications you’ll come up with when you’re feeling low and overwhelmed. Instead of occupying either extreme, find the balance between soaking up the bliss and expunging your To-Do list.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
There’ll be no vine-swinging, chest-beating, hair-pulling Tarzan hijinks for you this week, but that doesn’t mean you can’t have adventures. Sure, you’ve been a bit hooked on the primitive animal escapades that have been so much fun in recent weeks, but now step up your exploratory ambitions and inject a little class into your escapades: infuse them with more Bond charisma than bootie aroma. I’m surprised a luxury-lover like you hasn’t made the switch before now: While there’s something to be said for screwing in the woods, for you it can’t possibly beat making love on water beds while you wait for room service.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
The human eye contains two kinds of photoreceptors: rods and cones. The vastly more numerous rods are more light-sensitive than the cones, but can’t distinguish colors the way cones can, which is why colors are less discernible at night. If it were possible, I’d love to give you a temporary infusion of extra cones, to cure you of your recent tendency to see things in black and white. Besides all the delightfully subtle shades of gray you’re missing, some vivid splashes of Technicolor could dramatically change your perspective on some key situations. If you intend to keep your reputation as a social genius, reattune yourself to take into account all the intricacies involved, not just the broad strokes.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
You can feel it, can’t you? Spring’s lovely, abundant pleasures loom. You’re almost drooling with anticipation of the romping adventures that surely lie ahead. However, you have at least one more significant task before you can ditch your obligations and get down with the good stuff. I can’t stress this enough: don’t procrastinate. You are masters of avoidance. However, this particular duty will only become more odious over time. Give yourself the gift of being able to enjoy the coming months without some weighty responsibility hanging over your head. Get it out of the way this week; it’ll never be easier to do than right now.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
In order to remind himself, daily, of the importance of trust, my Capricorn friend Chris is tattooing “The universe is here to help you,” on his dick. While you may cringe at his bold move, you should consider doing something similar. It takes strength to unlearn old habits, especially those of distrust and fear. Just making a mental note or slapping a post-it on the fridge probably won’t be enough to shake you free of ancient mental shackles. Your liberation solution may be different than Chris’; still, I urge you to discover exactly what it’s going to take, and do it.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
In my continuing quest to make you inhabit your body instead of living lost inside your thoughts, I encourage you to notice your health. Usually, you either take it for granted or privately complain about what’s not working as it ought to. There’s a middle ground between these two extremes, my dear Aquarius. Well-being is a luxury, notwithstanding the sense of entitlement you have about it. If you’re feeling fine, actually notice and appreciate that this week; if you’re not, make doing whatever you must to glow with valued vigor your top priority.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
No one is as good at simultaneously frustrating and inspiring me as you, Pisces. You’ve mastered the art of confounding me even while I can’t get enough of you. That’s wonderful, and exactly the kind of paradox you’re best at. Your symbol is two tethered fish, swimming in opposite directions. While that’s often interpreted (and manifested) as conflicting internal motivations that result in you going exactly nowhere, it can also be the depiction of the kind of magic that happens when you embrace contradiction, and ride it to the next place on your journey—sometimes carrying bewildered and exhilarated passengers, like me, with you.