Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
I dreamt I wandered through a misty garden of white marble statues carved to resemble the Pantheon of ancient gods. Stumbling at Eros’ cherubic feet, I found myself sobbing about a broken heart. Cupid, suddenly warm and alive, nodded knowingly at my apparently familiar complaint and lifted a giant birdbath, already filled to the brim with other people’s grief, to catch my tears as well. When I awoke, I thought of you, and wanted to remind you of these things: 1. You don’t have a monopoly on pain. 2. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t let yourself experience it fully. 3. Since everyone suffers, that ache can bring you closer to the world around you and the hurting people in it—ironically lessening the sting for all concerned.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Wandering aimlessly is one of your specialties. You’re perfectly happy to drift for months on life’s open ocean in an inner tube with a backpack full of protein bars and bottled water, content to see where the current carries you. However, the moment you acquire a target, you transform into a sleek hydrofoil motorboat and arrive at your destination almost as soon as it’s conceived. Unfortunately, those quick shifts can leave some of your favorite buddies floating cluelessly in your wake. Since the changing seasons are likely to inspire a reckless metamorphosis of motion, you might want to give them an advance warning, so they can have some chance of keeping up.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
As much as you may want to bitchslap those apple-polishing brown-nosers you’re surrounded with lately, I recommend you refrain. I’m hardly suggesting you kowtow to the kowtowers—I’m just pointing out that you’d be surprised at how quickly those toadying assholes can become vengeful, lawsuit-wielding pricks, who are ultimately much more bothersome than they were as ass-kissers. The bottom line: they’re not worth the effort. Take the Taoist approach to your life’s annoyances, and deal with them in an enlightened way: minimize their destructive or negative potential by giving them the least amount of energy possible.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
If you gave everyone who wanted one a piece, you’d have to divide yourself into paper-thin, transparent slices. Since being haunted by a tissue-fragile ghost version of you would be annoying and useless, your buddies won’t stand for it. It’s decision time: Who gets what parts of you, and who goes without? I hate to force you to make tough choices, but failing to do so would mean that only your loudest, grabbiest, and most selfish companions would get a share, leaving the meeker sweethearts out in the cold. Is that really what you want?
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
You could describe the décor in most Crab’s houses as the veritable definition of the word “eclectic.” Mainly composed of the many gifts you’ve received and could never bear to part with, you usually manage to make clutter work for you. But it’s not healthy to be buried under anything, not even kindnesses. I’m not suggesting you throw any of those precious knickknacks away, but could you try consolidating them? Clear out a room, or at the very least a corner, to give yourself some space to think. If you can’t or won’t give it to those blue whale-sized ideas, more than just bric-a-brac is going to come crashing down when they come in anyway.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
People think of horses as tame—most have rarely seen one that’s not domesticated. Although there are only a few places in North America where wild horses still live, I’m glad we haven’t eradicated them entirely. Their equine beauty is only enhanced by wildness and freedom, as is yours. Some of your latest chapters have involved settling down. However, don’t let the idea that you’ve been tamed sink too deeply into the minds of your friends. Do something this week to show that you’re still the same freedom-minded adventurer you’ve always been. Don’t worry; in this case, the threat of being bitten the next time they try to pat you on the back will only make your buddies want to all the more.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Don’t make me—or your buddies—tiptoe around you. Being touchy isn’t flattering on anyone. Besides, life is too short to make a stink about every slight, real or imagined. It’s tiring. Since you’re likely to be a bit on edge every time reality sinks to any level less than heroic, epic, and exciting, you might be better off keeping your irritability about life’s occasional mediocrity to yourself. Just bide your time biting your tongue, if you can, because the only thing that’s going to keep next week from rocking your world is if you say something this week to screw it up.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
Try to forget the louts who’ve done more to age you prematurely than a pack-a-day cigarette habit. The experiences that supposedly took years off your life are much more valuable than you think. In fact, some of the most expensive lessons you learned will actually add years of enjoyment, if not actual time, to your life, as long as you’re willing to exercise them. We all grow older—you have the chance to do so with charming grace. Just remember: Those crow’s feet are not only well-earned, but really sexy and cute when you smile, too.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Screw the high road. Don’t let your usual willingness to be held accountable for your actions and accept responsibility for past mistakes get you nailed for things you didn’t actually do. You don’t have to take the fall for anyone; in fact, you owe it to yourself (and them, ultimately) not to. Relax; you don’t need to be a finger-pointing rat to get out of this one. Just shrug off the mantle of local scapegoat and stand firm with your honest “not guilty” plea—before long your innocence will be proven and your name restored.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
The latest bullshit to come down has thrown you so off balance it may as well have severed all your toes. Staying upright in changing circumstances without those undervalued little appendages is nigh unto impossible, so lay low for now. Fly under the radar towards your next chapter (which promises to be a stellar doozy). You’ll be pleasantly surprised to discover how much work you can get done when the spotlight’s not on you. By next month, you’ll be ready to stand up, receive your full birthright of attention and stardom, and reveal your new power—embodied in your perfect new toes—regeneration.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
You could wear a crown of white flowers, don the most chastely virginal garb you have, or come riding in on a unicorn; still you’d have trouble convincing people of your innocence (ingenuousness, not lack of guilt). Fortunately, having circled the block a few times is no cause for shame. Anyone who’d only be into you on the condition of your naïveté is probably trying to pull one over on you. Don’t hide your guile, Capricorn; it’s much sexier than faux innocence could ever be. Play at the ingénue if you like, as long as you keep tongue firmly in cheek, but don’t settle for anyone who wouldn’t be pleased to discover that a deliciously naughty wolf lurks beneath that sheep’s clothing.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
When we run out of oil in our lifetimes, we won’t plunge into some Mad Maxian anarchical state. We have technology to utilize many more environmentally sound, efficient, and economical alternatives. Unfortunately, some of the powers-that-be would like to postpone our petroleum-free future so they can make more billions now. Similarly, your strong-arm associates are keeping some seriously unpleasant shit in your life longer than necessary. Consider their motives. What benefits are they reaping to justify your misery? The key to jumping ahead to a happier future that’s not as destructive on so many levels: eliminate the profit margin.