Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
The Nazca Lines lie in the Peruvian desert, in the shadow of the Andes Mountains. Although ancient, they weren’t discovered until relatively recently, because the images they form can only be seen from high altitudes. Why the Nazca drew these giant pictures—geometric shapes and animals, like a 150-foot spider and a 440-foot condor—will always remain a mystery. My guess is they had a rather keen grasp of the “big picture” concept, unlike you, lately. Up close, those lines don’t look like much. But from a couple thousand feet up—or a few steps back, in your case—what was created is obvious, even if the “why” of it remains a mystery. It’s not your usual style to hop a flight just so you can look down, but that might be just what you need.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
The injectable drug known as Botox, a diluted form of the toxin that causes botulism, paralyzes the muscles of the face, erasing wrinkles. In certain social circles, it’s now exceedingly rare to spot a woman over the age of 35 with the ability to look angry. Why sacrifice emotional expressiveness for the appearance of youth? And why is zombie-faced beauty preferable to the elegant lines of a gracefully aged person? Is attracting someone to a frozen half-version of you what you really want? What happens when they find out? What are you sacrificing to preserve your illusions? Is the price really worth it? These are things worth thinking about this week.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Although it appears to the outside world that you’ve uncharacteristically put aside your unswerving lust for freedom in favor of significant encumbrance, I know the truth. What’s actually happening is that you’ve learned to see that deeper freedoms are available to those who are willing to sacrifice some of the ones they didn’t feel like partaking in, anyway. For instance, choosing monogamy (to the right person, anyway) could free you in so many ways that you’d never regret losing the chance to date or sleep with other people, and the intimacy you found there could ultimately free you to explore potential you’ve never had the safety to open up to before. What other aspects of your life could benefit from a similar change of perspective, one that allows you to pursue your dearest goals in a totally new way?
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
You’ve only got so much ego currency to spend before you run out, collapsing in a self-pitying heap. Even you notoriously self-contained Bulls, who tend to invest more of your self-worth in what you do than what people think of you, need occasional validation from those you love. At the rate you’ve tolerated mischievous ribbing and (sometimes not so playful) disrespect lately, your self-image is going to have to file for bankruptcy before winter’s through. Don’t go there. Instead, tighten the purse strings of your self-esteem by sticking up for yourself or dishing it out as well as you take it, until the compliments start flowing again.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
No one knows better than you that a straight line forms the shortest distance between two points. You’re notorious for finding shortcut solutions to almost any problem (like your white trash laundry substitute (a spritz of air freshener)). However, as I’m sure you’ve discovered (about the time your date started crinkling her nose and saying, “What’s that smell?”), the shortest path isn’t always the quickest or best. Before you cut any more corners this week, ask yourself: “What’s the rush?” Is being the first to arrive at your destination worth the ripped jeans, the splattered shoes, the besmirched reputation? You might just be better off taking the long way around.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
You’ve accidentally stumbled onto God’s private orchard, seeded from the tree that tempted Eve. What an amazing, luscious, abundant paradise! Damn, this is better than any old Garden of Eden, anyway. Here you have not only juicy red Apples of Knowledge, but sweet Peaches of Public Sex, Cherries of Newly Awakened Lust, Grapes of Wrath-born Passion, and sticky Pineapples of Kinky Martyrdom. But don’t stop there. Show us why taboo-crunching should be left to true artists like you: Instead of settling for a merely delicious forbidden feast of illicit, intoxicating fruits, dip them in chocolate first.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
When a breeze spins a windmill and generates power, it doesn’t do so with any intention. Yet its existence has a potent, tangible effect. You’re like the wind. A lot of the ripples you make in the world happen simply because of who and what you are, Leo. You don’t have to think or try—just be. That’s not to say you shouldn’t live your life with intention and pursue your goals and aspirations. Of course you should! Just don’t underestimate the impact and effect you can have by just showing up. It’s pretty damn powerful.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Your knack for winning people over is uncanny. I’ve seen it, you tease them with that winsome smile, maybe flash a dimple… Oh no wait; that’s Libra. You get people to take your side with compelling, well-reasoned arguments… Hang on. That’s Aquarius. Come to think of it, how exactly are you supposed to get the help you require? Sadly, none of your native skills are going to cut it this week. That doesn’t mean it’s out of your grasp, though. Resign yourself to the fact that making a list or alphabetizing your buddy’s CD collection won’t be enough, and get creative and do what will be.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
You were doing so well. You thought you were going to make it this week. But right near the end, you slipped up. You fell off the wagon. Luckily, you didn’t break anything; and hardly anyone noticed before you were able to run and catch up and climb back on. But you noticed; and the fallout’s going to haunt you for absolutely ages. Except—you lucky fool—it hasn’t happened yet. Assuming I got to you early enough, let my prediction encourage you to hang on to the sides of whatever wagon it is you’re on this week. You’ll get to wherever you’re headed a lot quicker if you do.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
If I were you, I’d bet on Always Finishes Last (despite his 500 to 1 odds), rather than wasting money on the first place favorite. You’re not any more (or less) likely to win, choosing the longshot, but at the moment, your psychic health depends on banking on the exception to the rule. Put your cash on the horse that’s one lost race away from the glue factory. Whether or not such farfetched faith pays out for you in the end is almost irrelevant; the act of investing money, time, or energy in the least likely but most deserving choice will reap rich spiritual rewards, guaranteed to pay out much more than you put in.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
This week, don your dreams. Think back to childhood, when wearing superhero underwear made you feel exactly that mighty. Your fantasy selves haven’t changed much; they still happily pursue careers as cowboys, rock stars, and astronauts. Exercise your secret self this week. Make a pair of spurs into cufflinks, wear rock star sunglasses, or just keep a bit of freeze-dried ice cream in your desk, to remind you to invoke, frequently, the bravado and strength of your invented identity. After taming the Wild West, singing aloud before legions of screaming teenagers, and conquering Mars, whatever “real life” throws at you will be a snap.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
10% of Valentine’s Day merchandise is purchased by people for themselves. That they were so hoodwinked by corporate holidaymakers and sadly embarrassed about their singlehood to buy stuff to save face is tragic. Still, despite their pathetic motivation, the thought isn’t so bad. This week, send yourself the love letter you richly deserve—but do yourself a favor and make it something more meaningful and real than a cheesy heart-shaped card, and do it not to impress others (it can be our little secret, in fact) but simply to deliver the goods you really shouldn’t have to wait any longer for.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)