Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
It’s okay to have your server decide between equally delicious choices for you. However, if you try that during the upcoming conjunction of your dreams and reality, you’ll be horribly disappointed. Your fairy godmother stands poised to shove whatever you want right into your life, but you’ve got to be clear on just what that is. If she hears, “Well that sounds good, but oh, that sounds so good, too!” she’s going to say, “Screw this,” and leave you to your indecision. I’d rather see you get your wish granted, especially when it’s so easy: Make one. Not two, or one and a half, or a subset of five. Make one wish.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
In Nepal they call him yeti; in British Columbia, he’s sasquatch. Legends and sightings from different regions around the world of our supposedly long lost, elusive primate cousin share remarkably consistent traits, as well as a similar lack of hard evidence. Is he just an image in our fertile collective unconscious? Perhaps he exists. I’m sure you hope so, since you’ve come across some giant, hard-to-explain footprints of your own archetypal dream: the indescribable (surprisingly non-hokey) force of true love. Don’t bother trying to prove unequivocally that it exists. Like Bigfoot, putting it in a cage and showing it off would probably kill it. Illusion or not, it’s there for you to enjoy it. Will you really waste time trying to pin it to a board?
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Don’t run from what you know, clutching the shreds of your innocence to your chest like a tattered dress. Knowledge can be scary on its own; compound that with the understandable fear of becoming bitter and cynical beyond all hope of redemption and I can see why you’re sprinting back the way you came. All I can tell you is this simple truth—whatever you know, there’s exponentially more that you don’t, including a myriad of hopeful exceptions to whatever depressing “rule” you’ve learned. Though I can’t give you the specifics, I can tell you this: eligibility for those exceptions is simple, if not easy: live an exceptional life.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Oh, crap. Valentine’s Day approaches again. The dread is building already. Whether you’re facing a day of loveless loneliness or trying to meet unreasonable romantic expectations with your current thang, VD sucks worse than, well, venereal disease. My advice? Rebel. Vow to spend the day alone, no matter who wants to do what with you. End the dirty, corporate-controlled cycle this year, forever. Make it your day to eat a romantic dinner for two by yourself, or stay home and cuddle in front of the TV if you must—with your dog or favorite teddy bear, not a real person who’ll infuse every moment with meaning that simply isn’t there.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
You’d be amazed at how quickly, for the rest of us, the world flips. Suddenly our strengths are our weaknesses and—if we have the presence of mind to try—our weaknesses play as strengths. You don’t notice this so much, because of your innate duality. If one thing doesn’t work, you just try another as a matter of course. Don’t underestimate the universe’s wily nature, though. Even your astounding versatility can be used against you, like this week, when someone is counting on you to be just one thing. Quick! Temporarily hide any tendency towards twinhood. We already know what you can accomplish with the full range of your powers at hand. Now show us how amazing just one of you can be.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
As you left your place, you set the alarm, released the vicious guard dogs, and locked every lock between your living room and the street. Now, a few drinks and good times later, you can’t remember the alarm code or the secret command that calms the snarling Dobermans, and your keys are lost. All pretty embarrassing, considering who you brought home to see your digs (among other things). Luckily, your new buddy will gleefully help you pick the locks, quell the hounds, and explain the situation to suspicious cops. Lesson to learn: Next time, you might not have an ally so devoted to helping you fell your own walls. Put fewer barriers between you and the world or you could end up locking someone out you don’t want out—like yourself.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
You can’t keep a good Leo down. Still the universe has been kicking you in the stomach often enough to come close. Resist rolling into a protective ball and waiting until spring. It doesn’t become you; you’re the goddamn Lion! You’re right, though. Just roaring won’t scare off your assailants. Probably nothing you do is going to make them leave you alone. Still, you don’t have to take it lying down. Tough times? Toughen up. Get rugged. If you start now, I predict not only undentable washboard abs by spring, but enough muscle to roar your loudest—and mean it.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
You’re more impressively adept at avoiding collisions and obstacles than Frogger. I’m amazed at how undaunted you are by any road, no matter how chaotically traffic-filled. But it seems the key to your secret power is constant motion. What happens when you want to stop crossing roads? How do you kill that habitual inertia so you can hang out on this side of the street for a while? Oh, jeez, sorry. I don’t have the answers to those questions. But since they deal with your actual desires, I suspect it’s time to learn a new trick. What happens when you want to stop moving? You’re about to find out.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
A quiet little stream can change its entire landscape. In fact, in some ways it’s more effective than a hurricane or tsunami—when people hear those coming, they board up windows or simply skip town. Your happy, supposedly innocuous rivulet is doing much to erode some key barriers, without anyone noticing (or preventing it). Keep it up and you might achieve something like the breakthrough you’ve been pushing for. Be careful, though. Breaching walls that hold you in (or out) could be highly disruptive—getting back on the course you pursued before might never be an option again.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Relearning innocence is probably one of the toughest things you will ever do. Nevertheless you can’t give up. Consciously coming back to, and choosing to live in, that place of childlike wonder, openness, and trust could just be your greatest triumph this decade. That by itself may be its own reward, but learning to be receptive after so much hurt, despite the risks, will also make you richer (on some level) than Bill Gates. Trust created from knowledge and choice is powerful, certainly more so than that born from naïveté. I can’t help you conquer your cynicism, but I can tell you we’re all gleefully anticipating (and rooting for) the moment you do.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
You’re more amazing than a bevy of veteran circus performers, more brilliant than a whole lab full of physicists, and more gorgeous than a fashion spread’s worth of models. But this isn’t about you. The key to popularity this week (and most weeks, actually) is only partially about how cool you are. The other side of that coin is what you bring out in other people; how they see themselves reflected in your eyes. Don’t count on who you are being enough to keep people interested—what will keep them signed on for the long haul is who you let them be.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Don’t get too used to playing the role of seeker/student, even though it’s been your primary one recently. Despite your admirable humility, your stash of juicy wisdom has attracted many supplicants. As much as they might appear to be disrupting your own education, don’t ignore them or turn them away, just because you’re in learning mode. You don’t have to abandon your devoted quest for knowledge in order to dish out some of that homegrown insight. This week, the best way to learn things you never knew is to teach the things you’ve known forever.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)