Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Occasionally, I suffer from hypermanifestation: I can hardly mention something without it entering my life. I made an allusion to a skunk, and hours later I came face to stink-hole with one. I briefly recalled (aloud) a momentary encounter with someone and suddenly, he appeared. My best response to this condition is to mention things I’d really love to see enter my life, like a hefty cash prize, a television appearance, or a fabulous Hawaiian vacation. Guess what? Hypermanifestation is contagious; you’ve got it. So, for your own sake, keep your mind off nasty stuff this week (unless it’s your recurring threesome fantasy) and talk about only nice things you wouldn’t mind finding, say, in your living room.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Do you know anyone who’s always right, never makes a mistake, and knows everything? Only you, huh? That’s pretty cool! You must be one of the most extraordinary people on the planet, or…deluding yourself. In your secret heart you admit you’re not infallible. But that sometimes seems like your unspoken claim. I only aired your little secret here, in your very own horoscope, so hopefully only those “in the know” will see. But if you don’t start copping to your own screw-ups and admitting you’re wrong once in a while, I’ll be forced to start spilling beans across the board. Own your errors, please.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
It’s not easy being the star, especially once you’re not, like the day after closing night. The curtain’s dropped, you’ve taken your last bows, already begun to forget the lines you slaved over for months. The cast party was hilarious, but now it’s over, and you’re faced with the uncertain future of not knowing exactly what you’re up to for a while. It’s okay; once you get used to not holding the attention of quite so many people, you’ll be glad to rediscover the freedom of anonymity. The irony is, the things you’ll do once no one’s paying attention are much more dramatic and star-worthy than the things you did to get all that attention in the first place.Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
You may hate math. Sometimes, however, it’s just unavoidable. Once you stop resisting it, your ratio of effort to result will increase dramatically, so that if e is effort and r is result, r=3e. Not only that, but your effectiveness, here represented by E, will increase exponentially, so that suddenly, the new you, the one who’ll be more than prepared for the new year, will be wielding at least 3rE cubed. Of course, I don’t actually expect stubborn old you to embrace the newness that will improve your life, even though it’s much easier than my primitive recollections of grade-school algebra. Some people would prefer to do things the ineffective old way rather than try something that might work better. I was just hoping you weren’t one of them.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Even though you’re arguably the sign I find easiest and most enjoyable to be around, you can still frustrate me. Your tendency to be easily distracted sometimes makes you—while appealingly spontaneous and full of surprises—unreliable. I’d hate it if you became predictable, even if it made you completely dependable. However, this week it’s important to recognize the couple occasions where being responsible enough for someone to count on will mean a lot. Recognize those, and come through, and everyone will be more or less happy. Fail and you’ll be picking up the pieces for quite some time.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
You’re familiar with practicing scenarios ahead of time; I’ve caught you rehearsing important conversations more than once. Although you’ve managed to eke out some impressive achievements with this technique, I’ve finally pinpointed the source of what’s holding you back some of the time: you don’t always believe in the imaginary victories you rehearse, probably because your grand vision is a mite too outrageous to be even marginally reasonable. Inject a tiny dose of reality into your visions and they’re much more likely to actually become reality.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
If you were robbing houses, your latest faux pas would be something akin to getting inescapably, embarrassingly stuck in the doggy door, and forced to wait until the residents of your intended heist-target returned and cut you free. There’s no reasonable explanation you can offer for such a karmically incorrect act, so don’t waste those hours while you’re trapped, half-in and half-out, trying to concoct a believable excuse. Instead, be the Pooh Bear who plans on how to get his honey legitimately next time, instead of sneaking it. You’ll probably find there’s plenty of the sweet stuff you crave; if all else fails, just ask for it.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
It’s not that you lack rationality. It’s not as if you don’t have a brilliant mind lurking behind all that self-absorption and egotism. It’s just that in a drunken fistfight between reason and passion, your emotions usually win. This can be a tremendous source of consternation to your more controlled (notice, I won’t say emotionless) friends, especially those Capricorns and Aquarians. They’re not alone—you’re frustrated, too, when you find yourself flailing in a sea of emotions and emoting ridiculous histrionics. Don’t drown. Let those levelheaded people throw you a lifeline this week. Logic and perspective can inflate to a remarkably stable life raft, if you let them.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
Desire creates suffering. You know this; the more you want something, the more it hurts if you don’t get it. Wouldn’t it be great if you could just want nothing? Maybe—perhaps then you’d be an enlightened Zen Buddhist teacher. But denying your desires and numbing yourself to their delicious pain is almost—not living. It’s fine to let rationality be the ultimate arbiter of your life. But if you deny it the tasty spice and unpredictability of emotion, would your existence be a meal even you’d want to keep tasting, in the long run?
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Wearing a bridal gown, a cowboy hat, or an electric guitar around town will not make you a newlywed, a steer-roper, or a rock star. I don’t mean to insult your intelligence by stating the obvious, but you leave me no choice. The big changes you’re proposing won’t be manifested by those superficial alterations to your schedule, look, or attitude. Maybe this is a sign? You know the saying: If it ain’t broke… Whatever. I’m not here to say whether or not you need to change, only: If you’re going to go there, really go there. Commit, damn it.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
Once upon a time, I had a way with plants. My dorm room in college was filled with them—not even counting my roommate’s closet marijuana farm. Now I’m happy keeping my dog and myself fed and watered, let alone some silent vegetation. It’s not that I don’t enjoy plants. I do. But they can’t let me know—at least not loudly enough—when they need care, and I guess I can’t be bothered to devote that much brainpower to remembering on my own. My dog, on the other hand, always lets me know when he’s hungry or wants a walk. Don’t be a wallflower. There are people around who are ready and willing to give you what you need, provided you let them know it, loud and clear.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Don’t be so sensitive. Not everything’s a possible insult or threat. People are usually actually rooting for you, hoping you’ll become as rich and famous as you wish. But not this week. You won’t receive the benefit of the doubt, and you’ll have to do more than merely pass GO to get your two hundred smackers. Turn down your social vulnerability meter; you’ll not only survive weeks like this, you’ll thrive on them. Determine to prove everyone wrong. If it helps at all, remember that the harsher your opposition, the more powerful people actually believe you to be. If they really considered you weak and inconsequential, they wouldn’t waste energy on you at all.