Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
You pride yourself on your ability to speak to anyone. Sags are more likely to have a working knowledge of several languages than any other sign. So why are you having such a hard time getting your point across and being heard, finally? It’s almost as if you’re communicating in an entirely different tongue. We’ll call it Sagittarese. The truth is, Sagittarese is an illusion. People still understand you as well as they ever did. What’s really happening—and I never thought I’d say this—is that your listening skills have somehow, astonishingly, surpassed your storytelling ones. This is a good thing, believe it or not, because lately what you have to hear has a lot more relevance to your life than what you have to say.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
If you’d just been elected head of the nation, your citizens would be proud of you this week, because you unflinchingly went about the business of cleaning up your office, both literally and figuratively. What’s even more laudable is that you did it not to impress or win votes, but merely out of your own sense of justice, sanitation, and efficiency. Or did you? Some of us suspect that there was at least a grain of self-promotion behind your crusades. In order to keep your saintly reputation intact, better ‘fess up about your secret agenda, so you’ll be merely (and quite forgivably) human, not a self-serving fake.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Heaviness doesn’t have to suck. Think of the pleasant weight of a handmade quilt pinning you to clean sheets at the end of a grueling day. Just because your emotions are unusually thick and plentiful doesn’t mean you should contemplate entering your artistic Blue period. All that cloying internal tonnage may contrast unpleasantly with your normal airy lightness-of-being, but there are things that can be done better in this spiritual viscosity, like making love. Instead of spending the week trying not to choke on the glut of feelings you’re experiencing, explore ways to make them work for you.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
You’d never have made it this far without people like me. This isn’t a call for gratitude or acknowledgement. I just want to point out the inefficient, if understandable, nature of your way of life. This two-fish-swimming-in-opposite-directions thing won’t achieve much. Although I’m pleased with how you’re able to see both sides of any story, the constant fluctuation between Pro and Con, Do and Don’t, and Will and Won’t holds you back more often than not. This week, listen to your friends when they tell you what to do without getting too bogged down in your own internal debate.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
It takes a certain type of emotional endurance or ruggedness to happily inhabit a city. Living in the freezing but beautiful, only lightly populated parts of northern Canada would also require a certain amount of spiritual stamina, for example, that most city people would probably have trouble mustering. You, however, have emotional resiliency that’s far above average. I can picture you giddily bouncing between icy Canadian lakeside cabins and elevated but cramped New York apartments. Most people overestimate their internal versatility. You’re in danger of underestimating yours. Don’t—you’re more adaptable than you think.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
I overheard people talking about you in a bar last night. They were laughing at your stubbornness, joking about your thick-headedness, and shaking their heads at your obstinacy. But in every word I heard an overtone of love. If you’d been there, you would have stormed up to defend your own honor before you could ever have heard that affection. Of course, being your friends, they would’ve (secretly) delighted in your righteous ire as being “so you.” Be cooler than that. Hear the fondness in their complaints, and surprise them with your new ability to read between the lines.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Setting your clocks fast only works for a little while. Even if you do it by some odd number like 7 or 13, your brain starts automatically doing the math eventually. The trick is getting a co-conspirator in on the plan. He can randomly set the clocks ahead one day when you are out. Consequently, you’ll magically be on time to all your obligations, since you’ll never know when he did the deed or how much time he gave you. Fooling yourself into leaving early isn’t the only self-deception you may need this week. Since you’re so clever, enlist the aid of some trickster who can help you pull the wool over your own eyes.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
I’ve noticed how social contact often goes in waves; I won’t hear from anyone for a while, then in a span of days, three or more people I haven’t spoken to in months will contact me. If I’m paying attention, I can often point to something that’s happening “up there” to justify this feast or famine of long-distance love. Opening up your astro-fortune cookie this week reveals a message along the lines of: “You will be reunited with a lost love,” or “Lucrative venture with childhood friend lies ahead,” or “Your fiercest nemesis is stalking you.” Prepare yourself for an encounter with an almost-forgotten past.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
Finally, you’ve stopped marking your territory so diligently. Lately, it’s been easier for you to move on and stop pissing on every hydrant or table leg in sight. Butting heads with the local bull? Hop the fence and move on to the next pasture. I’m pleased that you’re learning to go with the flow and not clinging to just one idea of the way things should be. But don’t take this to extremes. There are times when conveniently skipping town works well; other times, it’s better to stand and hold your ground. Making the distinction could make all the difference this week.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
The way you’ve been trying to apply one-size-fits-all philosophies to very complex issues doesn’t really work. Imagine what would happen if you decided one icon was enough for all your imaginary needs: Santa Claus filling in for the Tooth Fairy is a creepy scenario; you don’t want an old man who collects children’s teeth coming to your house, do you? It’s less important to be consistent than it is to do what works. In other words, allow contradictions to coexist inside you; you’re big enough to hold them all, and your life will have richness and grace because of the minor disharmonies it contains that simply wasn’t there in their absence.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
Amen! Hallelujah! Climb up on that soapbox, baby, and tell it like it is! We are ready to receive your glorious wisdom! See how the masses grovel before you, quaking with awe. We quiver anticipating the holy enlightenment you bring! What? Wait! Don’t run the other way! Fear not how well-received your words are this week. Just choose them carefully, because the ears they’ll fall on are anything but deaf. We’re not about to start a new religion with you as avatar, but we will let you get just a taste of that kind of power. Don’t let it carry you away, though—the more seriously you take the responsibility that comes with it, the longer you’ll get to keep it.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
She gets sloppy on red wine. It makes her affectionate, sweet, and subsequently popular, often. Which sucks. In the long run, it’s damaging to her personal evolution. It’s her warmth and willingness to be open about herself that’s attractive, not anything about the alcohol itself. She’d be much happier if she knew that. Of course, it’s hard to have moments of clarity through the Vaseline’d blur of drunkenness. While they may arrive during the following day’s miserable hangover, most people don’t feel like dealing with them then. That’s why I’m here. Why you think people like you is not why they actually like you. Get a handle on the real reason; as soon as you do, your popularity will soar, with or without your merlot.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)