Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Though I have many simple desires, my acquired tastes afford me the most pleasure. I like my chocolate dark and bitter. I enjoy stinky goat cheese, Brussels sprouts, and extra spicy Asian food. Learning to like something occasionally takes a little effort. For instance, a friend taught me to love olives by forcing me to eat just one every time I was over his house until one day I found myself actually craving the things. The flavor you’re faced with is (astonishingly) beyond your current (rather broad) limits. If you can stretch enough to accommodate it, though… Well, I don’t want to ruin it for you. It’d be like telling you the ending of a really great movie. Go find out for yourself.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Someone’s absence can stir up memories of mundane things you’d never think about if they were around; like the way she used to put white sugar in her plain yogurt, or stick cotton balls between her toes while she painted her nails. Similarly, someone’s frequent presence can keep you from thinking about the things you love about them, instead getting tangled in the web of tiny things that annoy you; the way he snores, or reads on the toilet. This week, get away from the loved ones who are driving you nuts, and move back in with the ones you miss—even if you can only do so in your memory.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
The places you’ve been going lately (either physically or metaphorically) are not as nice as the ones you come from. But that’s no reason to badmouth them and be a goddamn pain-in-the-ass the whole time. I mean, some of us have to live here. Eventually, you’ll go back to your island paradise where you can live off fresh fruit you pick off the trees and turn brown as dirt, but for now—consider those who brought you here, and why. Here’s got a lot going for it, if you’d just bother to notice. “When in Rome” and all that. Be where you are, finally.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
So you’re attention-starved and your perspective is utterly subjective. You also have very many lovely qualities that are abundantly obvious when you let them show. People naturally focus on your more appealing traits unless you go out of your way to eclipse them with your insufferable ones. Don’t do that. First step: quit knee-jerk reacting. In other words: Your ex’s new thing is not automatically awful, and anyone who doesn’t worship you is not necessarily obnoxious. Inject an ounce of objectivity and a teaspoonful of patience into your popularity soufflé and it’ll stop collapsing in the middle, finally.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
I’ve often joked that you only have two gears: On and Off. You either run maniacally at top speed, accomplishing more than seems humanly possible, or you fall asleep on your feet. Where’s the mellow downtime? The problem with such extremes is that you burn out, eventually. Despite being gifted with a prodigious amount of getting-things-done energy, you’ll find as you age that you spend more time in the Off position. Install a dimmer switch, or middle position. The next time I ask how you are, I hope the answer’s different from, “I’m insanely busy,” or “I’m exhausted.”
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Every year in various places (like southern France and parts of Spain, among others), bulls run in the streets. Daredevils rush the madly stampeding beasts and risk getting gored to retrieve tokens from a bull’s back or ears, or spear him. Although you tend to think of cows as peaceful, cud-chewing, non-threatening animals, seeing a black ton of horned muscle rushing at you may convince you otherwise. Of course, you’ve secretly known all that strength lurked beneath your docile surface. But it’s kind of a surprise to be reminded of it, after all this time. Since you’ll need some horns and might this week to get what you want done, brush off your temper and put it on, like a flashy red cape.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Stop flitting around, you damn pixie! Come here and sit down, Tinkerbell. We’ve got to talk. This distracted fluttering from moment to moment may be your M.O., but success as a human being sometimes requires more from you than just following the beat. This week, concentrate on giving just one important thing, be it relationship, project, or adventure, your complete and undivided attention. That means both Twins. It’s going to be hard to buck your habit of rushing, moth-like, towards the brightest light in view. Super-glue yourself to your chair if need be. Whatever it takes to keep you focused; it’s getting to that point where some are wondering whether you can. Prove your detractors wrong and give the rest of us some justification for our faith.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
You spend so much time and energy insulating yourself from the world, trying to shield your poor tenderness from its harsh edges. But then, just when you think you’ve packed enough fluffy pillows into your clothes and cotton in your ears, you feel horribly isolated and disconnected. Where’s the happy middle ground? If only you could completely buffer yourself from life’s insanity, but still have the people you love push through your cushy shielding! Luckily for you, we’re willing—you’ve just got to let us know, unequivocally, that you want us to. Is that so much to ask?
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
Sometimes you feel like a superstar, sometimes more like a loosely bunched collection of bad habits. The truth, naturally, is somewhere between those two extremes. Unfortunately, so many strangers see solely one side or the other, either placing you on a pedestal so high you’re scared to step down from it, or sneering so forcefully in your direction you can’t see past the glare off their teeth. Look, you’re a great person, assholism and saintliness and all. Don’t be afraid to take a swan dive off the pedestal into the arms of your worshipful admirers. They’ll catch you, and even be relieved you’re human after all. And as for the condescending bastards—slap the crap out of them. They’d love to be proven right about you. Give them what they want, and tend to those who believe in you.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
The joys of being scolded by a Virgo are numerous. We’ve had to discover these joys because there are simply so many things you disapprove of. First, there’s the pleasure of seeing you flustered: You’re just so cute when you’re angry. Secondly, there’s the laughability of your gripes. Naturally, we usually keep this to ourselves, but you should know that your complaints seem sometimes a bit…outrageously ridiculous…to the rest of us. Holding yourself to such exacting and picayune standards is one thing, expecting a sloppy Leo or capricious Libra to conform to them is just foolhardy. Don’t bother. Make your lists (I doubt you could stop yourself); check them twice if you must—then throw them out.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
All this thinking before acting makes your brain hurt. The roots of your hair are scorched from so much forethought. But you must admit that taking the time to plan ahead, even a little, goes a long way towards making your adventures more fruitful. So why, why, would you be tempted this week to return to your old, foolish ways of look-less leaping? Is it the hardship you miss? The suffering? Fine. I understand—what’s an adventure without adversity and distress? But that’s no excuse to regress to your silly past methodology. Instead, up your ambitions—undertake harder adventures. That way, you’ll still encounter that craved danger, without handicapping yourself.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
It’s the way things work sometimes; you don’t need your umbrella when you bring it—the day you forget it is when the downpour soaks you. It’s the same force that causes the bus to come the moment you light a cigarette or creates the worst traffic snarls when you’re in the greatest hurry. Since this week will be full of depressingly predictable inevitabilities like these, chill. There’s nothing you can do about the blocked roads, the weather, or any of the other difficulties you’ll face, so why stress about it?